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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for a handhold because I'm sick and scared?

36 replies

Sickandscared · 26/12/2019 00:33

I have been diagnosed with a cancer that is curable. I need a minimum of six months chemo and had my first round yesterday. I felt sick last night but ok today. Apparently I shouldn't feel effects for a few days.

I had an unrelated cancer six years ago. I made a full recovery.

I have had unbearable symptoms for nearly a year of all over (inside and out) extreme itching. Doctors repeatedly told me there was nothing wrong with me and proffered antihistamines despite me saying they wouldn't work. Eventually after I persevered and persevered a scan showed numerous masses on my body. The cancer is now advanced and recovery rates have dropped.

I just need a handhold. I'm so afraid. I have a sixteen month old baby and a partner who is great. I am early 40s. He is currently out of work, trying hard to fix this but no success so far.

I feel so anxious. I'm still itchy but hope it passes with the chemo. I don't want my hair to fall out (it will) and look in the mirror and not recognise myself, I don't want to go into menopause, I don't want to have six months minimum or feeling sick, I don't want to have complications, develop secondary cancer or not respond to the treatment and die. I don't want most of all to recover and then be back in next year (this was a somewhat common story i keep being told).

I know now wanting it to be happening isn't helpful because it is but I'm so upset right now.

OP posts:

TyneTeas · 26/12/2019 00:37

So sorry you have so much to deal with

Pepperama · 26/12/2019 00:40

Massive hugs, that sounds so so difficult a situation to be in. Are you on the cancer support thread in the General Help section? Just suggesting it as lots of people on there in a similar situation and seem great at supporting each other through rough times - several with small kids, and many with uncertain prognosis and lots of waiting for bloods/scans/treatments/side effects to wane etc.

Hope you feel the virtual handhold! Hope you manage to catch some sleep tonight

Starksforthewin · 26/12/2019 00:43

I’m so sorry to read this and your feelings are completely normal and natural. Anyone would be scared and upset and angry at those doctors who didn’t listen to you.
You’ve been through this before, you know what’s ahead. Sometimes that can be harder. Focus on the ‘curable’.
You have love in your life, so plenty to fight for. You will always find someone here on Mumsnet for talking and handholding.
When the dark thoughts come, watch something daft on tv just to get through the minutes.

Summercamping · 26/12/2019 00:45

That is terribly frightening. What an ordeal for you. Loads of support and sympathy here, you're not on your own x

Original poster

Sickandscared · 26/12/2019 00:50

Thanks for the messages. In some ways it's worse that I've battled before because that was a low grade cancer and it still took me so long to look and feel normal again.

I really feel so blue.

I am thankful for the love in my life and my beautiful daughter. The thought of leaving them is killing me.

OP posts:

Washingnerd · 26/12/2019 01:21

So sorry to hear what you are going through its truly heartbreaking and so unfair. I have no real advice to offer but I wish you all the luck in the world

DragonUdders · 26/12/2019 01:24

So sorry.

ouch321 · 26/12/2019 01:29

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 26/12/2019 01:31

So sorry to hear what you're going through Keep fighting keep positive (easier said than done I know) x

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2019 01:34

I'm so sorry this sounds so hard. Do you have support?

cakeandchampagne · 26/12/2019 01:39

I sincerely hope this gets sorted and you get to enjoy your baby as she grows up.

Josette77 · 26/12/2019 01:41

I am so sorry you are getting going through this. Praying you heal quickly and enjoy many many years with your daughter and husband.

OnceUponAFairyTime · 26/12/2019 01:52

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 26/12/2019 02:21

Couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry that you are facing such an ordeal.

No advice apart from check out the Cancer threads on here if you haven't already done so. Sending you lots of love and strength and best wishes that you have many more Christmas s with your little girl and family. It seems so unfair.

DCICarolJordan · 26/12/2019 02:30

Oh, OP. Hugs and flowers and a huge handhold to you.
I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma (guessing this may be your diagnosis with the itching symptom?) in February when my baby was 8 months old and the feeling of fear was indescribable, even though I was reassured by my specialist I was eminently treatable. I remember thinking the feeling of fear and dread in my stomach would never leave. I remember one of the nurses telling me I wouldn’t feel that way forever and thinking she had no clue - but she was completely right. I had six months of chemo and once I’d started, I just needed to get on with it. The good news is that my specialist was right and by Christmas I am cancer free and I have enough hair my crop looks intentional and not sickly.
You’ve been through this before so I’m sure you already know that the mental side of the battle is so important. Focusing on my little one for me through so many tough days - I just had to do it for him! (He also enjoyed rubbing my bald head and laughing).
Best of wishes to you, and I hope you respond quickly to treatment 💐

eaglejulesk · 26/12/2019 03:05

So sorry to hear this. Best wishes for your treatment, and grab hold of any help and support offered to you. Hugs.

mrssmudge123 · 26/12/2019 04:16

Hi OP, sending you a massive hug. 💐I’m 2 years and 3 months into remission from Non-Hodgkins and Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I’m so sorry this is something you’re having to deal with, life can be so unfair to those who don’t deserve it at all. It’s absolutely ok to need a hand hold.
It’s a time of unease, when you’ll feel worse due to the treatment, let alone the mental weariness. I felt an incredibly huge sense of dread at leaving all my family if the worst should happen. It has eased now, but only just as it’s taken a long period of adjustment to ‘life after.’ The fact I’m carrying my first child is helping, after they told me my stem cell transplant would make me infertile. Just wanted to add this because even when things seem bleak, they don't always turn out as predicted and the treatments out there are always improving.

This period of your life won’t last forever, you’ll see the light at then end of this tunnel and soon enough you’ll begin to feel yourself again. Until then be gentle with yourself. You may find your little one will give you the extra mental strength you need ❤️ You just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

tinselbaubletinselbauble · 26/12/2019 04:20

Hugs to you

MayDayFightsBack · 26/12/2019 04:41

Huge hugs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2019 05:02

I have had the same with major surgery following years of being largely bedridden due to chronic illness and not knowing the cause (this was possibly the cause but I’ve been ill for so long I’m not recovered or anything). 7 months later, I needed another large surgery and this has taken its toll massively on my physical and mental health. The op was much harder this time around and I’m nowhere near recovered 11 months on.

All I can say is taking it one day at a time and bite sizing your life helps. It is soul destroying to go through the exact same process again. I know. My best words of advice is to discuss this with your dp and try to get him to understand it will be far harder for you time around. Take any therapy, which is offered.

The good news for you is that you do have a chance to recover completely- even if it is possibly remission rather than cure. I do hope very much it is the latter for you. Thinking of my dd and my being there for her helped a lot - I was so ill and wishing and ready for death before the first op. I imagine you have these sort of mixed emotions too - along with the anger that your symptoms were ignored for so long. I was told I was depressed for example.

Mummaofmytribe · 26/12/2019 05:08

Sending warmest wishes to you. Handhold in a tight grip.

BustedDreams · 26/12/2019 05:22

Minxmumma · 26/12/2019 05:27

Sorry you are facing this. Be kind to yourself and take each day at a time.

You won't be sick constantly from chemo, each cycle has it's ups and downs. If you are struggling with the side effects then talk to your oncology team, they have lots of options to help you.

I've been where you are, just recovering from my third dance with the dreaded C word. I'm 44 with a 3year old dd.

It doesn't define you, it changes you in lots.of little ways. It's a scary time but you have to push yourself through, use whatever resources you need to break down your treatment into mentally manageable chunks.

Sending hugs, a handheld and shoulder to lean on. If you want to chat please message.

There is also a great thread in general health for people with cancer, lots of love, support and advice to be found

Yeahnah2020 · 26/12/2019 05:58

I’m so sorry you are going through this xx What cancer have you had before? Experiencing cancer once let alone twice is just so unfair

MimiCaeger · 26/12/2019 06:04

Sending you so much love

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