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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are all kids obsessed with screens?

46 replies

Thelowquietsea · 25/12/2019 22:10

I have a 9 year old boy who drives me mad for the family ipad or his old Wii (which he just got this birthday, he's not had any devices).

We're controlled about how much time he gets on it (he also watches TV) but however much he gets, he wants more.

He's constantly asking for it. Today, at friends, he must have asked a dozen times.

I find it so depressing. Generally speaking, are most kids like this?

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 25/12/2019 22:15

Pretty much; imo screens are addictive by nature, like soap operas are for some adults. They are familiar enough to be comfortable, novel enough to be exciting, and offer the illusion of choice and control.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/12/2019 22:18

Itbdepends on the dc I think. I've definitely seen friend's dc be like this. I'm lucky with my two (8 and 6yo), they have screens (tablets, phones and an xbox) but only seem inclined to use them a bit (they use them everyday, but rarely for longer than 20 mins). We've never had to limit them. This is pure luck and nothing to be with anything we have done.

metalkprettyoneday · 25/12/2019 22:19

My 9 yr old can get like that sometimes. Earlier in the year I was a bit lazy and just said yes when she asked after school . Then the more she used it , the more she wanted it. She was in such a bad mood afterwards too at dinner etc and it caused all these arguments . After one huge tantrum we decided to go tech free on weekdays , and I made more effort to do things with her and after a while the whining stopped . She’s now so addicted to reading books that she’ll read all the time and I have to tell her to put books down so we can get ready to go out. I think they just get really into things at this age , but that you can kind of guide towards certain things.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 25/12/2019 22:21

I'm so thankful mine aren't (yet! Hopefully not famous last words)!
We live in Australia though and have a bit of a different culture here so perhaps if we were still in the UK they'd be more reliant on screens. My eldest two (both 14) don't even have phones yet. All my kids have to have iPads for school, so I think that's taken some of the fun out of it for them?

Not sure. But I do agree with PP. Screens do have a tendency to be addictive. Especially when there's not much else to do. When I think back to my childhood, I did watch TV quite a lot (way more than my own kids do, our TV is literally never on here). We used to be able to entertain ourselves with our games and toys, but I think if I had the option of a screen back then which was accessible to do much, I likely would have picked that over my toys.

Mammylamb · 25/12/2019 22:22

Not just kids. Many, many adults appear to be addicted to them too

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 25/12/2019 22:23

Yes they are.

Figgygal · 25/12/2019 22:25

Yes
Our ds had a tablet only when he turned 7 and a year on I do feel bad all his friends have a Nintendo switch and he doesn't but his behaviour around screen obsessions drives us batty so we are the mean parents

We3kingsoforientareandabump · 25/12/2019 22:26

I think it's a personality thing. My eldest would be sat in front of a screen 24/7 if he was allowed. He's not eat,not sleep (obv I don't let him do this)

Ds2 will have a game or 2 and then claim he's bored and ask to go outside.

elmosducks · 25/12/2019 22:43

I have four kids, and only one (aged 10) is screen obsessed. He has ASD and we manage it very carefully.

We are very careful about screen usage.

GruciusMalfoy · 25/12/2019 22:47

My eldest is obsessed, he has ASD and has never really played with toys, but sometimes has to be surgically removed from a screen. My younger child isn't bothered at all by them, she has a tablet, but it goes for months without being played with, and she would rather play than watch TV.

Fredy45 · 25/12/2019 22:54

Dds are 10 and aren't. They got Lego and a Switch today - spent all day doing the Lego. V excited by the switch but not to the exclusion of other things.

Tablet is only at weekends for an hour or two, laptop only for schoolwork.They do watch a lot of tv though.

DD2 much prefers it to her sister. Dd1 more inclined to read or play or colour.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 25/12/2019 22:55

Mine aren’t. We don’t restrict screen time really (they have to come off them half an hour before bed, and they can’t take them upstairs.) Some days they’re on their screens loads, other days not at all. The 9 year old hasn’t looked at her tablet since Sunday.

neversleepagain · 25/12/2019 22:59

So far mine haven't shown much interest, they're 7 so still young. They both have Kindles but very rarely use them, less than 4 times a month and can go months without touching them. They watch TV but not excessively, I think have the same aged sibling has helped.

QueenOfTheHighCs · 25/12/2019 23:00

Not at all! My 8 and 9 years olds don't have any tablets/phones and only have tv for 20-30 mins every evening. They read, play games, draw etc and we've always encouraged this. As pp said above, it's a matter of directing that, although I guess once they're used to screens it might be more difficult to wean them off.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/12/2019 23:04

Mine aren't at all. 2 dds, 9&11. We're lucky enough that we can afford for them to do lots of extra curricular activities outside of school; so many a day goes past without them looking at a screen. Don't have Wii's or xboxes etc. We have a tv which they have no restrictions on watching but don't really. 9 year old just plays dolls in her spare time, and 11 yo dances with music on her Alexa.

minipie · 25/12/2019 23:05

My 7yo acts fairly obsessed but hardly ever allowed one. We have a no screens before lunch rule and even after lunch it’s a rationed amount, mostly TV not phone/ipad as I think it’s less addictive. The more she has the phone/ipad the worse she is when I take it away.

If I gave her a tablet she’d be on it 24/7 I suspect. She’s not NT, and has very poor impulse control, I don’t know if that makes a difference. DD2 who is NT is also very drawn to screens though.

likeafishneedsabike · 25/12/2019 23:06

I find that a very clear cut amount helps. So they know it will be 30 mins after school, and an hour on weekend mornings. It never changes so nobody asks. I do agree that it depends on personality as one is very into switch and one not remotely bothered with games.

Timmythatyou · 25/12/2019 23:09

They’re addictive by design. Just set rules around it - he cannot have it certain days or times and not at other times. And if he bangs in about it he loses time on screens/games. Works well for us.
We also make sure he has sports/hobbies to do, keep him active and we play games with our D.C. everything from Dobble to Risk, Scrabble, chess, Sorry, Cluedo etc etc
We always take a pack of cards or a small game or pen and paper out too for the pub or meals out.

HoHoHoik · 25/12/2019 23:10

I don't restrict access much, they aren't allowed screens before school because it slows them down too much and they aren't allowed them in the hour before bedtime or at mealtimes except when we're on holiday but other than that they have free access. They self-regulate fairly well, some days they will spend ages on it and other days they won't bother with them at all. Eldest uses them the most, he's autistic and uses a screen to shut the world out. Youngest DS does too, also autistic, but not as frequently. I don't limit their TV either.

chillandrelax · 25/12/2019 23:10

Mine love screens. The oldest two got phones and have declared this the best Christmas ever!

debbs77 · 25/12/2019 23:11

Nope not at all. Children between 6 and 15.

They read. Adore reading books and playing. The older ones have Kindles and use them occasionally but are restricted.

I wonder why parents buy all this stuff and then complain that they use it. Just don't buy it! Or set rules

FthisS · 25/12/2019 23:15

My almost 13yr old is into train spotting, model railways and doctor who. My 9yr old daughter either reads or draws and my 7yr old is into wwe. They do have tablets and consoles but honestly are not bothered.

TheReef · 25/12/2019 23:18

Yes, my 12 yr old got a phone when she started secondary school. We limit the amount of time she can be on it via an app, 2.5 hrs Monday to Friday and 4hrs on a weekend. She constantly asks for more. I think she's sit on it all day given half a chance. We confiscated it for a week a few weeks ago and she turned into a lovely, chatty, interactive kid without it. We now make her put it in charge in the kitchen from 6pm every day now

BertieBotts · 25/12/2019 23:19

They are addictive. I think you need to be careful with it. We have to limit DS1 very very carefully or he will be on it literally 24/7. For us that means time limits including electronic guards against it (which are more a reminder than an absolute wall), harsh penalties if he's caught trying to sneak around them, and we try and keep on top of it verbally as well and model healthy usage ourselves (we don't always manage).

I know it's a lot of effort, but I think it's worth vetting each and every thing they do on there - particularly if you have a child who's susceptible to it.

Plenty of games and websites and apps and even TV programmes are specifically engineered to keep delivering little "hits" of dopamine - one of the chemicals that makes us feel happy and motivated. The reason they do this is eyeballs on ads - the longer they keep you looking at it, and the more they keep you coming back, the more money they make. The younger the child/teen, the more susceptible they are to this. Things like ADHD, anxiety and ASD can also make a person more susceptible, as well as more temporary issues like boredom, overstimulation, stress, feeling left out/ignored/unhappy, lack of attention etc. And bear in mind they develop this stuff to be aimed at an adult (with a mature system for dealing with distraction), neurotypical, mentally healthy and so on - so a child already being young is at a disadvantage and then having any other of those factors, even more so. You wouldn't let them use alcohol, nicotine etc - even though you don't have a problem with your adult friends doing these things. Although it's more tricky than that, because tech is so ubiquitous and they do need to learn to navigate it somewhat. Being aware that it's an issue, and how and why is the first important thing to get your head around.

I do think if you have a child who seems especially pulled in by it, have a look at what they're doing. If it's youtube - which channels? Are they waiting for the latest episode by this or that person, or are they just clicking randomly on the next thing? Are they watching something of substance? I don't necessarily mean it has to be worthy or educational. Everyone will also have their own views on things like content, language etc. But there is stuff on youtube which is the equivalent of clickbait - literally, buzzfeed/bored panda lists fed into a computer, read out by a robot voice and displaying the accompanying picture and those kinds of channels churn out hundreds of videos per day. If they're watching that kind of stuff, they're just being used as ad fodder and they may as well do something better with their time. Also, I'd recommend changing settings on youtube, netflix and so on to cancel autoplay - so they actively have to decide to click on the next thing.

Games - there are games which are interesting and challenging, something you can play with a friend or just plain mindless fun. But there are also games which are set up so that nothing really happens and you're not really doing anything, but you're constantly either levelling up or teetering on the edge of some kind of paid content - again - clickbait in game form. If the game is sending constant notifications, that's usually a red flag. You can block notifications, which I'd recommend doing for most apps anyway, but this might not solve the problem. Have a look at how the game mechanics work and see if there's a good way of timing sessions on it. For example, you can say I'll play three matches of FIFA. But some games are set up so that whichever point you try to put it down, it feels like you're just about to get something so you think oh I'll just finish this one thing - and then something else is about to complete, so I'll just wait for that - etc and it keeps you on there, eyeballs on ads.

Nine is probably too young for social media, but the same kinds of things apply - with several other issues which have been covered many times by others so I'll skip that here, but the same kind of conversations can be had, and just to keep the dialogue open so that it's normal. Otherwise an invisible wall is drawn where they feel like apps, social media, internet stuff is "their world" and it's too huge and complicated to even start explaining it to you and you're "old" and "out of touch" - I do reckon if you start the conversation at this kind of age there's more hope of keeping up.

And also just talk to them about the dangers of this kind of thing. Talk about how the games, apps, media they use make them feel. If they feel it's a fun thing that they can pick up or put down, fine. If they are constantly in thrall to something thinking when can I play X again/when will my mana/coins/time have refilled, that might be a sign that it's taking advantage of them. If they get the feeling after watching a youtube video "I can't wait for the next episode" vs just wanting/needing to mindlessly click onto the next thing to prolong the sort of hypnosis feeling - you see what I mean? It might also be useful to get them to categorise media into different types. Something they want to use and allocate time towards (also, even steer them into more productive uses of tech - such as digital art, digital photography and editing, film or music editing, stop-motion animation, coding/programming, language learning, courses on Khan academy, educational documentaries, tools they can use to learn or connect with people), vs something they use to kill time e.g. when they have to wait for a long time and are bored. I'd only ever do the latter when I actually have "dead time" e.g. long train journey, hospital waiting room, etc. (Which, to be fair, does a 9yo often have? Not really). The other use of the "time killer" apps for me is when I don't want to think about something stressful - again, worth thinking if you want a 9yo using this as that kind of coping strategy or whether you can help them develop better ones.

Separating tech activities out helps with having restricted screen time, and knowing that their use of time-killing type apps are eating into their time to do actual fun/useful stuff on the screen, but you might have to help them to ringfence their screen time to achieve this, since their self-control probably isn't developed enough for them to do it by themselves.

MintyMabel · 25/12/2019 23:19

As much as adults are.