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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DH parents are buying BIL a house!

30 replies

lisad123 · 25/08/2007 22:04

Me and Dh have been married 6 years now and due our second dd in a few weeks. DH parents moved 6 months after we got togther to Wales. His brother kept getting inot trouble here so he moved up there too. He met a girl a few years back and moved in with her baout 30mins from his parents. Me and DH settled here.

BIL is very bad at managing money and has gone from onejob to the next, and even told his boss to stick his job 3 months before there dd was born. They are forever having there phone count off, not paying electric ect. BIL GF has recently had another child. So they have 2 children of their own and 1 from her previous relationship. The have LA housing but its a small 2 bed flat but the council suck there and they arent likely to be moved anytime soon.

Phone call to DH parents tonight ended up with FIL telling DH he is selling his house for 500K and moving closer to town as he is really struggling with driving (they live in middle of no where) and the rest of the money is buying BIL a house for his family.

We borrowed £900 when we first moved and we tried to pay it back but was told not to worry but after a row with FIL they asked for it back. They never send anything for DD, tell us we have to phone them as they are pensioners and cant afford to call us and if we dont ring often enough we get texts that arent nice.

Do I just sound like a green eyes monster? I just feel like we have worked our arses off to get where we are with no help from inlaws but his bro buggers it up every time and gets things handed to him. I would want him to prove he could be sensiable before I put that amount of money his way, as if he falls behind on bills they will end up having to bail him out again, as always.

Thanks if you got to the end of this.

lisa

OP posts:
dorisofdevon · 25/08/2007 22:13

Sounds like you've got the better end of the deal, don't think I would want to be in that kind of debt to them, given that they've already asked for £900 back after a falling out!!!!

That said I can see why you're annoyed both brothers should be treated equally!!!

expatinscotland · 25/08/2007 22:14

YABU.

It's their money to do as they please with.

If they want to piss it up a wall, well, it's their's to do so.

Original poster
lisad123 · 25/08/2007 22:15

should properly add that DH's dad isnt his real father, we only found out a few years back, they never told him. According to DH his bro was always the fav growing up, even got charged les rent when they both lived at home

OP posts:
yelnats · 25/08/2007 22:16

I would be feeling exactly the same as you - yanbu. what is your dh saying about it?

LucyJones · 25/08/2007 22:18

I can see why you feel but I agree with Expat.
My parents are similar in that they help out one sibling far ore than the others....
They say it is because she has always needed more help.
Whilst the rest of us don't agree etc it is their money and at the end of the day we don't want to cause a major family row.
Money can cause serious fallings out and it really isn't worth it

Heated · 25/08/2007 22:18

Yep, it's their money and your BIL is going to help relieve them of a fair chunk of it. You don't want to be beholden to ppl like that anyway. Be proud of the way you make your own way in the world.

GodzillasBumcheek · 25/08/2007 22:20

I carefully looked at the phrasing of your question (that is important!), and no, you are not being unreasonable to be upset about this. You do sound like a green-eyed monster, but not without reason.

Original poster
lisad123 · 25/08/2007 22:21

DH was a bit miffed as they always say they cant afford to call us, but as he said we might be paying it back for years to a morgage company but his got the best deal as he has me and DDs.
His bro wont have to pay the money back by the way.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 25/08/2007 22:21

dont sweat it - so what no house but at least u are your own person hey without a catch u know

pointydog · 25/08/2007 22:23

AGree with expat. It's their money - you just have to accept they can do what they want with it.

sweetkitty · 25/08/2007 22:26

We have the same sort of situation in that SIL gets a lot of money from MIL and we don't. MIL has bought her a few cars, helped her buy a house and I know she pays for loads for her as she is crap with money, she is trying to teach her to budget she's 38 and a single mum.

It doesn't bother DP as he says it's a pride thing he's a grown man and doesn't want his Mums money he would feel bad taking it.

I can see your point though and I don't think you are beng unreasonable.

pooka · 25/08/2007 22:27

But while it is their money to do what they like with, I would be exactly the same.

I know how you feel.

unknownrebelbang · 25/08/2007 22:28

YANBU in being upset.

Having said that, yep it's their money to do with what they will, and you sound better off without it tbh.

SpeccieSeccie · 25/08/2007 22:30

The thing is, you are in the same position before the phone call as after it. They weren't giving you or offering you any money and that hasn't changed. This doesn't really affect you so I would do you best not to be too bothered by it. Although, in your shoes I do know that this would bother me. Just try to resist the total irritation and unfairness making you angry and affecting you!

Also, BIL sounds like a loser. Presumably you wouldn't swap lives. I doubt having a house bought for him will change either of those things.

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 25/08/2007 22:33

before i go to bed, i understand you are upset, but remember how muich grief his family has caused you, how much upset and rows. you dont want their money, you can stand on your own two feet and be proud of who you are and what you have acheived between yourself and dh, without their help.

and you wouldnt want to live up that way anyway its far nicer here.

Original poster
lisad123 · 25/08/2007 22:34

Would not want to swap with BIL at all, couldnt bear to be living that close to FIL!
I know its their money, they can do what they want, but would be nice if they thought of DD once in a while, not fussed about us. His parents are all about the money and presents, know that as his comment to DH was "your brother is so kind and thoughtful, he always buys presents for us, even though he cant afford them" think i would rather feed my family first.

OP posts:
Original poster
lisad123 · 25/08/2007 22:36

thanks sis. yes they have casued a lot of upset, i know. I couldnt leave you anyway, DD would never forgive me if she didnt see her cousins

OP posts:
LadyVictoriaOfCake · 25/08/2007 22:38

exactly, we are more fun anyway. who cares about houses.

your dh broher, well, i dont know if i have ever actually met him, but he needs to stand on his own two feet a bit, you both already know how to do that. look around at everything you have done, everything you have and just remember, its because of you and your dh hard work.

Original poster
lisad123 · 25/08/2007 22:43

Thanks hun, you did meet him once, at the wedding 6 years ago, other than that he only visited once when Tanisha was first born.

OP posts:
LadyVictoriaOfCake · 25/08/2007 22:43

i cant even remember what he looks like

Original poster
lisad123 · 25/08/2007 22:44

nothing like my yummy hubby

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 25/08/2007 23:02

that's it hold your head up high and think about what you have and how you have got it yourself without anyone's handouts

mm22bys · 26/08/2007 08:29

YANBU to feel the way you do.

It's often the people who do nothing for themselves who are helped out the most, but you can take pride in being able to provide for yourself.

DH's parents had planned on giving all four of their children a house each to help them all out - it didn't work out that way, but even now, they do try to treat all their children (and grandchildren) equally (regardless of need).

Your BIL sounds like a tosser, just be grateful that you and your DH have escaped being like that!

Pixiefish · 26/08/2007 09:19

Could it be though that dh will inherit their house? So BIL is ghetting his 'share' early perhaps- justa thought. Or if BIL isn't working it could be that they'll be charging him rent and getting the state to pay thus making it an investmetn for them

cookiesandcream · 26/08/2007 09:30

It's nothing to do with you it's up to them what they do so I wouldn't give it another thought.

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