Sometimes I hate my kids

[worldsworstmama]

I named changed for this because I'm soooo ashamed. I'm sitting here crying my heart out. I've just shouted at my 3 year old, she threw my phone in a rage when I asked her to get ready for bed. I really really shouted at her. I was so angry that I grabbed her arm.
I'm such a bad mom.

I've spent the past 1.5 hours trying to get the 1 year old to sleep. 3 year old has been a psycho all day long. Tantrums, screaming, crying. In fact she's been psycho for weeks: she's been ill non stop for the best part of 3 weeks, clingy, cranky, not sleeping. On average I'm up with the kids 3/4 times a night. I'm working 3 part time jobs from home. Trying to get work done with sick kids is next to impossible.

I'm raising 3 children on my own and I can't do it. They spend regular time with my ex. But he will often taken extended holidays. He's had 13 weeks of holidays this year. He will often prioritise drink over the kids and bail on the days he is meant to have them. So it means I'm way behind in work and sleep and I just can't do it anymore. I'm literally ready to hand over full custody of the kids to their dad as I can't raise them on my own. My mom has an illness and we don't get on so I don't ask her for help. My father helps when he can. But both parents work full time. I can't afford to put them in full time care as part job times pay pittance.

I can't do it. Am I a terrible mother? Should I give custody away?

No, you are not a terrible mother, just an exhausted one.

Important thing now is to ensure everyone is safe, lock yourself in the bathroom/garden and stay there for a while. You need to calm down a bit before you can continue to deal with the situation.

How old is your other kid?

@IdiotInDisguise I've gone into the bedroom and finally got the smallest to sleep. My eldest is 11 so old enough to help but not old enough to take too much on. I don't want to put pressure on them.

I can't do this anymore. I'm so unhappy. It's so relentless.

I just wanted to write and say that every mother feels like this sometimes. My 3 year old is a complete maniac.. and I feel sometimes like he ruins everything and exhausts me to the point that I'm a bad mother to both of my DC.

No advice just company!

Sounds tough. Can you speak it through with someone professional who knows you and the children? can the health visitor help? A bit of help will go a long way.
It sounds like you need a break but you'll prob regret giving up custody. I don't know the circumstances but you sound like a good mother to me - Mothering can be really tough at times and we do lose patience, it's normal. But if you are really concerned you need to speak to someone from real life.

Oh you poor thing. It sounds incredibly hard. I remember long days with just 2 of mine. It is relentless doing it alone.

Hope you get some decent sleep tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

Why are you working so much? Can you not cut down and claim universal credit? It is there for people like you!!

3 year olds will push you to your very limit: managing that along with everything else you have on your plate is enough to break anyone. You are not a bad mother.

Will the 3 year old be eligible for 30hrs free childcare? Or the 15hrs at least?

This part won't last forever. You sound exhausted not surprising as anyone would be esp when you have a sick dc and lack of sleep. You're not a bad mother. Once you can get a couple of good night's sleep everything will seem brighter. Don't beat yourself up.

You are a tired mum, not a bad one. You obviously care. You need a break. Can you get one, somehow?

@user1471462428 I set up my own business and didn't expect it to take off, so under a lot of pressure to get jobs done for people on a tight schedule. Only problem is the kids have been so sick the schedule is gone out the door.

I took on another job as I thought it would be a break from the kids and good to focus on new skills and keep my brain working and I don't want to fall back career wise. But this is proving too much. I don't feel like I can quit this job either as boss seems overly reliant on me already And I've only been in the job a few months.

Also I'm so glad for all the nice words I was here thinking I should even call social services as maybe I'm fucking the kids up by shouting at them. I actually thought about smacking 3 year old which I don't ever want to do.

Maybe speaking to a health nurse is a good idea. I hadn't thought of that.

No need to give extra work to your eldest, was just wondering if you had a younger child.

Most important thing is for you to get some sleep. The 11 year old will be fine, the younger is now asleep. The three year old needs tackling next.

She is old enough to understand she needs to help by going to bed. Talk to her calmly, for some reason they respond better when you ask for some empathy. Let her sleep with you if needed, on the condition she doesn’t wake you up (I know, but if you ask for 10 you get 6 and 6 is more than 0).

Op, you are not alone, many of us have felt the urge to leave our beloved DC at their dad’s doorstep and run away. Tonight you need to rest, the strategies and work to sort the issues can be thought of tomorrow.

With regards to finishing work... IME, this can’t be done while dealing with the kids. It is very important to get the young ones in a routine so you can work while they are sleep (I used to work all night and sleep when mine was at school, which doesn’t help with the very young or in the holidays but there is hope)

Are you getting all the help you can? Universal credit or other forms of support? If you are working for more than 16 hrs a week you can get an extra supplement to pay for childcare. Working for 16 hrs a week also include finding new clients, as long as you devote more than 16 hrs a week to building and managing your business you can get help.

@IdiotInDisguise thanks for your kind words. I do need to tackle the 3 year old. Ironic thing is, when her dad is away she is as good and will go to bed on time like clockwork. When he is back it causes major separation anxiety and other behaviour issues. Which result in her being clung to me and I'm unable to get anything done. Or else she will whine and moan non stop to get attention which isn't always possible when there's other kids to deal with.

She is absolutely dotted upon by her dad.

Oh God, I remember these days 😓 I didn’t have any help either and it took all I had just to get through the day. I counted the months down until the youngest started school; she didn’t sleep well but had so much energy and is very wilful. I often felt like walking away. I’d fantasise about a fairy godmum turning up and taking her for an hour!

You’re not a bad mum - you’re exhausted. Is there any way you can drop one of the three jobs, until they’re all in full time school? Are you receiving maintenance and all the benefits you are entitled to, such as Working Tax?

As for the 3 year old, she sounds like mine. If she doesn’t get a long walk and enough fresh air she’ll be climbing the walls. And her behaviour was horrendous after no sleep. Start the day by wrapping her up warm and taking her out for fresh air and outside play. A long walk. She’ll be much calmer for you so you can get on with your work. Is she at home whilst you work?

It will get better, but for now you need support. I self referred to a family support group who came and listened to me, taught us how to play, I went on parenting groups. You could ask about play groups so you can have a couple of hours?

Oh OP

You're doing really well. Your issue is your ex letting you down

It's the worst the worst time of year for bugs as well, sometimes its relentless.

No advice, just to say that working plus sharing childcare with my husband (who does more than 50 50) pretty much kills me, so no wonder you're worn out

Realistically its going to be shit for a while but I think k suddenly when your youngest is older you're going to have a load more time to yourself that's going to make things much easier

And you probably don’t hear this enough either but “you’re doing amazing” ❤️

Are you in the UK?

If so, do you or can you claim:

• benefits such as Universal Credit?

Or

• help with childcare costs/free nursery hours?

You are a tired mum. Not a bad mum.

I'm sorry OP seems like you are having a tough time and it must be very difficult for you.

We all have moments particular with very small children where it can feel like they are doing everything to piss you off.

Are there any local volunteers that could help babysit the kids to give you even an hour off. I know it sounds mad but literally the smallest bit of regular me time and down time from parenting makes a huge difference. I can't remember what they are called but this charity sends volunteers to your home and helps with housework or childcare for short periods to give very tired parents some relief

If it's any help, my 3 year old made me miserable and now she is sweet and lovely as a 3.5 year old. It will get easier. Hang in there, you are doing the best you can, acknowledge that. And do see if there any similar charities near you.

@PearlandRubies194 you just set me off crying again! Thank you. No I never hear it.

you are doing so much. No one would be able to three part time jobs and look after three kids without feeling utterly exhausted. I can t understand how you do that. I would also drop some of the jobs until they are in school. And take universal credit. And have the easiest most stress free life you can. But it is amazing that your business has taken off.

AS others have said, you are just exhausted. Cut yourself some slack, your DC will not remember you shouting at her. Resolve not to do it again as it causes you so much distress and heartache, we've all been there, count to ten or just move away.

Take it easy tomorrow, lower your standards, kids tv or movie for the kids on cushions on the floor. Take the sofa yourself and chill out if possible, minimal cooking.
Working from home with DC around is so hard, you are running on empty, poor sleep is tortuous.

remember the mumsnet mantra - 'this to shall pass'

And that “good enough is good enough”

I do get out and walk everyday, as much for my sanity as theirs. We all enjoy nature play and learning through nature.

I main issue is time, I get 10 hours off mid week when my ex has the kids. 4 hours on a Monday and 4 on a Wednesday. And I literally like a crazy woman, I Hoover and wash floors. Do food shops, try and do any appointments within those times and the work also. So by the time the kids are back I'm wrecked and then they're psycho cause dad has loaded them up with sugar and given them everything they want as he's the worlds best dad and trying to get them to calm and relax. Most nights I go to sleep with them as I'm just exhausted.

I think one of the jobs need to go. I've signed up to go back to university and now I'm thinking it's a bad idea.

I used run a very successful business. My ex left me while I was pregnant for an OW. So I had to give up work (I'm trying to be vague as it's outing) there was a lot of financial abuse in our relationship.

There's a massive part of me wants me to be successful again so the can be proud of me and I can buy them nice things like their dad. I'm sick of always saying no I can't afford it. I don't live in the UK. But I do live in a country whereby childcare is probably the most expensive in the world.

I would love to do a parenting course and learn new skills so I'm doing my best for the kids that's a great idea.

I'm so glad other people have thought this I actually was thinking I was mental (ex says I am)