Sometimes I hate my kids

[worldsworstmama]

I named changed for this because I'm soooo ashamed. I'm sitting here crying my heart out. I've just shouted at my 3 year old, she threw my phone in a rage when I asked her to get ready for bed. I really really shouted at her. I was so angry that I grabbed her arm.
I'm such a bad mom.

I've spent the past 1.5 hours trying to get the 1 year old to sleep. 3 year old has been a psycho all day long. Tantrums, screaming, crying. In fact she's been psycho for weeks: she's been ill non stop for the best part of 3 weeks, clingy, cranky, not sleeping. On average I'm up with the kids 3/4 times a night. I'm working 3 part time jobs from home. Trying to get work done with sick kids is next to impossible.

I'm raising 3 children on my own and I can't do it. They spend regular time with my ex. But he will often taken extended holidays. He's had 13 weeks of holidays this year. He will often prioritise drink over the kids and bail on the days he is meant to have them. So it means I'm way behind in work and sleep and I just can't do it anymore. I'm literally ready to hand over full custody of the kids to their dad as I can't raise them on my own. My mom has an illness and we don't get on so I don't ask her for help. My father helps when he can. But both parents work full time. I can't afford to put them in full time care as part job times pay pittance.

I can't do it. Am I a terrible mother? Should I give custody away?

@Mummy0ftwo12 I'm going to keep saying that to myself

It's hard at that age. I had two a year apart (didn't have the older one though admittedly which I'm sure brings other challenges) Pretty relentless and given you're also trying to work from home, that means it's somewhat impossible.

You need to put the 3 yr old in nursery for the time you're entitled to. Also, make use of the child free time you do get - actually, being separated does give you more breaks ironically. I'm actually married but do everything in the week and get no respite at weekends at all as DH goes off and does his hobbies for a 'break ' from work (that's clearly all my issues though! But if your kids actually go to their ex's, focus on that, you DO get child free time)

In a few years time, all 3 kids will be at school and this will be a distant memory.

You're doing a great job.

You sound far from mental and your user name is wrong. You sound utterly knackered.
Can you shop online? If childcare is expensive then what about a cleaner? He’s clearly not stepping up so you need another way to take pressure off you.
Being a parent can be a fucking hard job. Give yourself a break OP. You deserve and support.

If you were a bad mum you would be on here saying ‘I’ve just done something hideous that I’m going to jail forever’. You are not that Mum! You are so worn out that you are not thinking straight. You are working many jobs and when kids are poorly there is not much else you can do, but to look after them and it sounds like that’s exactly what you’ve been doing.
Please don’t beat yourself up. We’ve all hated our kids at some point (and those that say they haven’t are most probably lying!). I can’t promise things are going to be alright in the morning, but soon they will be. You sound such a lovely lady because you are doing everything you can to help them, I really hope you get some sleep soon. Big hugs!

Why are people telling a woman with her own business, well on the way to financial independence, to give it all up and claim benefits? According to most of MN, young women on benefits are the scourge of the earth, so why on earth would you not be encouraging someone who has fledgling success to be capitalising on that?! Not to mention the fact that if someone is already struggling, giving up their outside interests to spend even more time stuck with their kids is just counterproductive.

@worldsworstmama you should change your username because you really aren’t. You’ve reached out for advice, bad mothers don’t bother doing that. You know you are struggling, bad mothers don’t care. Do you have a children’s centre or a Homestart where you are? Speak to your Health Visitor and tell her how you are feeling.

You sound like superwoman actually.

Can you get him to do more? You need more time and help from him.

Also, about the part time job where they already rely upon you. That’s a shame for them but not your problem to solve. You and your family have to come first.

Hang in there, you are doing an amazing job. I was a single parent with one child who didn't sleep and one job and I was completely broken with exhaustion. Now he is 18 it is a distant memory and I promise it will pass. Just keep taking it one day at a time and know you are doing enough.

for you OP. You sound like a wonderful mum but an exhausted one, and who wouldn’t be with everything you’ve got going on?

Sometimes I feel like this about my two year old and I’m not a single mum. With all the colds this winter and Christmas overwhelming him, he has been a nightmare and I had to take myself to the bathroom and just cry with rage the other day, I felt like I was in prison. This is me with one child, not raising him alone. You are bloody heroic.

I once got to this stage after my divorce, it all fell apart had 4 kids but didn't work. I reached out for help and got a support worker through the health visitor. I did some early yrs and teen yrs parenting courses and slowly but surely it all got better. I'm doing well now. Just ask for help! Bad mums don't worry about whether they are good mums or not.

my mum went through her own rough patches.yelled.im sure grabbed my arm.but you know what through it all there was something that mattered at the end of the day.it was the love she gave.the love i felt through every bone of me.and i new.i new she was the best she could be.
never once have i thought badly of her.
and shes my everything now.and alway will be.she is my best friend and the best mum.
i dont know whether i tell hr that enough.
so i will tell you.and you clearly love them.otherwsie you wouldnt be in agony over being a good mum or possibly hurting them.you wouldnt be weighing yourself down with more guilt.
but guilt will only add one more issue to the ones your going through,and its always one of the worse burdens on the shoulders.
you i think are really amazing and like your trying damn hard.

Sending hugs op you sound exhausted and stressed!! Try to remember that they won't be this age forever, the phase of them being tiny and dependent on you will come to an end.
In the meantime you need to sit down and really take stock of your life and what you can change to make it ore bearable.
More nursery days? An extra part time person to help with the business? Giving the 11 year old set chores each week? Get a cleaner? Sleep training?

What is getting you down most and what can you do to tackle it? Things won't magically change overnight but I think sometimes accepting that you deserve to feel happier and starting to make changes, however small, can make you feel as if there's light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck

do you have a nice gp.or are there nice nurses at your local surgery.could you get an apt and ask for some support.they might be able to at least point you in the right direction.or the very least listen to you for a bit.

@gingersausage thanks so much. Yes a health visitor is definitely a must. I am currently receiving some benefits and not yet earning enough to impact those benefits but if things keep going, the way they are, i hope to be off benefits fully it's by 2021/22. I am minutely aware that being on benefits and being a single parent puts us in a different socioeconomic bracket, coupled with a higher rates of health related issues.

I really enjoy working and want to be successful and for the kids and my family to be proud of me. I just need to maybe be more aware of my limitations.

@GlitteryGracie I thought about getting a cleaner and the. wondered was that indulgent but it actually would take a huge amount of pressure off me. I'm guessing you know how much dirty clothes two toddlers have.

OP you are not a bad mum! (If you were a bad mum you wouldn’t care.) I found age 3 so so so hard, but primary school age and up so much easier. It really sounds like you’re taking on too much work, especially without adequate childcare, so if at all financially possible I’d try to cut back in the new year. Make sure your ex is paying enough maintenance (and make sure it’s based on how many days he actually has them, not how many he’s meant to have them).
I also found that staying at home all day made the day monstrously long at that age, so I tried to get out morning and afternoon; even if just (eg) to the park in the morning for a quick play, and an errand to the shop in the afternoon.

Ugh spoke too soon. 3 year old is up with an ear ache and has woken 1 year old.

She refused to see a doctor as we went right before Christmas and take medicine

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer ex is self employed so has screwed the system to make it appear he is losing money.

I have often said, at the end of my tether “Look - you have two choices; it’s either get ready for bed have a nice story and a snuggle OR we can shout, be cross and upset with each other and go to bed with no story.” - it works for us x Sometimes times are hard, a real struggle - you are still great. Merry Christmas x

@Toseland I wish reason worked! I'm
normally the queen of reason. Always looking at the solution nor the problem. But with this kid, Nadda. It's epic epic meltdowns. Which I leave her to enjoy, I can normally tell when she's worn herself out and approach her with caution and she'll ask for a cuddle and be more amicable. Buts it's not always the case if I'm driving or trying to work etc maybe reason might work when she is 4:

I'm actually glad now I posted. I was so scared everyone would tell me I'm an awful mom but everyone's been so kind and understanding and given me really great tips which
I hadn't thought off.

@GlitteryGracie I thought about getting a cleaner and the. wondered was that indulgent but it actually would take a huge amount of pressure off me. I'm guessing you know how much dirty clothes two toddlers have

Not indulgent in the slightest, I love mine. Can't really afford it but I prioritise it and see it as a self care thing. Go for it!

I just wanted to echo so many pp's and say what a bloody good job you are doing. I am not ashamed to admit that I don't think that I could do what you do every day, and I have a 14 yr old DS who has severe learning difficulties.

As his full time carer I know only too well how hard and lonely it can be, I can't even imagine how strong you must be to do 3 jobs too!

We are all human OP, the perfect mother doesn't exist. Show me a woman who hasn't felt like you do tonight at some point and I will show you a liar.

Tomorrow is another day, you have totally got this and Happy Christmas to YOU.

Thanks @LEELULUMPKIN that sounds so hard. I guess everyone has their own difficulties. I just need to get better at managing mine.

Ex had cancelled taking the kids today. Because it's Boxing Day and he wants to go on the piss. So I'm down another days work.

You sound knackered.

You are not a bad mum I can promise you that.

You want to know what a bad mum is?
My partner's sister.

My partner is at his mum's and found out his sister's 3 year old went missing 2 days ago. They didn't phone the police and found the child 4 hours later at McDonald's. He had crossed 3 extremely busy roads, and walked a mile and a half alone before he was found.
He also discovered she sends him to the shop for milk and bread etc. The shop is over a main road.

@HerRoyalFattyness omg that's absolutely crazy. Is she on drugs?

Ex has just informed me he's taking a 6 day holiday.

Yes. She's on drugs. She's been to prison for drug related offences.
Yet she still has all 5 of her children.
It's disgusting. SS are already involved.