Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shabby Behaviour

39 replies

LexMitior · 25/12/2019 19:34

I have just finished Christmas Day with a surprise guest, specifically my father’s girlfriend. Each year we go and have Christmas at my fathers house. He is 80 and we take turns to do the cooking and cleaning up. I’ve known his girlfriend for five years - nice woman and mostly very hospitable. She has three children of her own.

Each year is the same for her. None of them want to host her. Not one. And she is desperate to see her grandchildren and clearly wants to be invited. She claims to have been, and then at the last minute, these invites never materialise and she says how important they are and how she doesn’t want to burden them. She comes to my father’s for Christmas. Of course we make her feel welcome but now I really wonder whether her family really cannot be bothered and simply rely on us to host. And whether her excuses of how marvellous they are must mask a bit of real pain at their behaviour.

AIBU to think they treat their mother badly?

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/12/2019 19:38

I don't know, there must be a back story we don't know because I'd never not invite my parents over for Christmas (and I'd always mean it). Perhaps she's not been the Mother she's painted herself to be, perhaps she did awful things when her DC were small, perhaps they're asshats and just don't like her, but it's an odd thing when all three of your adult DC don't want you on Christmas Day.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 25/12/2019 20:03

It may be that DF's friends family have not treated her kindly and she stopped giving money or providing babysitting. It could be that their DM being alone either by death or divorce and her DCs are refusing to take any interest in or responsibility for their mother.

It is not always the mother or parent that is in the wrong.

Original poster
LexMitior · 25/12/2019 20:35

No. It’s so odd. She says how wonderful they are. Yet they really don’t seem to act like they like her very much. It’s year after year - and we host because obviously bad to leave her on her own. But of course we are all thinking why?

Tbh it’s rather put a dampener on my own Christmas and I am a bit fed up.

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 25/12/2019 20:43

i'd go with the back story, my dm always tells people she and i are close, i'm not due to stately home issues as a child, which she has ignored and covered over i.e never happened although it was glaringly obvious.

Ohyesiam · 25/12/2019 20:48

My mother is quite tricky, to the extent that my sister has no contact with her.
She’s was asked once by a health care professional if she was close to her daughters, and replied “ oh yes, they adore me”.
She is very good at being “ lovely” when she is with people she doesn’t know that well .

How has it put a damper on your Christmas Day?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 25/12/2019 20:50

Well if it's 'every year', it's hardly a 'surprise', is it?

Leaving aside her children for the moment, you seem very grudging to have her. And yet it's completely normal for your dad and his girlfriend to want to spend Christmas together.

Original poster
LexMitior · 25/12/2019 20:51

Well it seems to have really upset my dad! He doesn’t seem very happy with having to do this year after year.

OP posts:
Kanga83 · 25/12/2019 20:52

I would put money on a backstory that she hasn't been all that great. My MIL excels at this. Hasn't seen my kids in nearly three years despite us making the trip to their town twice and them having an excuse as to why they couldn't meet, yet always from what I hear gushing in her church group about xyz grandchild, what they're up too, how proud, bla blah bollocks and it's fake. It may not be them treating her badly but vice versa and they've had enough. It might not be in your case, but it's a possibility.

Supersimkin2 · 25/12/2019 20:55

None of her kids want to see her at Xmas? Hmm. It's worth an ask, I'd say. Might not be an innocent explanation.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 25/12/2019 21:00

Out of curiosity, does she have sons or daughters?

halocompanach · 25/12/2019 21:03

Maybe she wants to be with your father instead of her children, maybe they don't get on with him so only invite her and she doesn't (understandably) accept that. It could be any number of reasons.
If you are going to his house and she is there then YABU to object as it's his house and his choice who is there.

Lulualla · 25/12/2019 21:07

Wait, is your dad upset because she is there with you and he doesnt want her there? Or is he upset because he feels angry at how they are treating her, but he is happy to have her for xmas?

KurriKurri · 25/12/2019 21:09

Does your Dad not like having his GF at his for Christmas? I can;t see why he is upset. To me it would seem odder that he didn;t want her than her kids didn't. It is his house, and is GF is there for Christmas. Do you love with your Dad or are you guests too? Or do you do all the cooking etc at his house? (genuinely confused aboutt he set up)
Maybe her family think she would rather be with her BF at Christmas. N one actually knows I guess what she says to them - she says they invite her, then always something crops up at thelast minute. Maybe they always invite her but she wants to spend the day with your Dad so implies she hasn't got an invitation.
It all sounds a bit strange, but maybe I've just failed to understand your OP and your family set up.

Original poster
LexMitior · 25/12/2019 21:11

No my dad likes to do Christmas but this always happens each year at the last minute! And he doesn’t seem happy about it. Obviously they’ve been together for a while so it’s not for me to say you can’t invite who you want! But he seems pressured into this every year.

She has two sons, one girl. They all seem nice enough too - successful people. But they seem very dismissive of her.

OP posts:
Original poster
LexMitior · 25/12/2019 21:16

We split the cooking - so I cook Christmas Day, my sister does Christmas Eve, and then we all do Boxing Day.

Obviously whatever my Dad wants is fine - but each year he seems very angsty. She does have high standards and I think there is some pressure there. It’s only Christmas when this happens?

Maybe just social pressure? She really wants to be with her family each year and each year it falls apart. One year I helped decorate her house for her on Christmas Eve - while she waited for her children to come. They turned up, had a drink and left.

OP posts:
LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 25/12/2019 21:16

why is your Dad upset...??

My mother gets plenty of invites for Christmas, but always has an excuse...
neighbour...sees her too often
aunt...she's too mean with food
other aunt... god knows why she won't go there
childhood friend...too rigid and predictable
my sibling....doesn't like his new wife much

and then just waits for me to offer an invite as she knows I wouldn't see her "on her own at Christmas"

...anyway this year I didn't and made it abundantly clear (in JUNE) that we (me and dh) were going to have a nice quiet couple christmas as all the children had made plans
She invited the god knows why AUnt up so afaik they are having the time of their lives
We ended up with all the children as their plans fell through or got changed but never mind! And I am pretty sure we'll go pick DM up and bring her here for Hogmanay.

KurriKurri · 25/12/2019 21:22

Ah - I see (sorry I was slow to grasp - I've had a glass of wine !) It sounds as if your Dad is maybe angsty because he would enjoy having a Christmas with just his immediate family - you and your sister, and you have your own way that you enjoy doing things with the cooking etc.
Maybe having his GF changes the dynamic and she wnats to do things differently. (was your dad on his own for many years before he got togther with this lady?)
It does sound rather sad that her family don't seem to want to spend time with her at Christmas, especially that she decorated her house then they only poped in. Sounds like she lives in hope but is always disappointed by them. Does she get to see much of her GC at other times? It does sound a bit as if her family don;t want to bother with her and because they know your family won;t leave her laone at Christmas, they don't feel guilty about not inviting her. That's a shame Sad

StinkyXmasCheese · 25/12/2019 21:25

He's not happy having his partner at Xmas? Your dad sounds nice...

VanyaHargreeves · 25/12/2019 21:25

The thing is

I know of a family with 6 siblings and no one hosts the Mum anymore

This is entirely her own doing

You never know what's gone on in someone else's family

Sushiroller · 25/12/2019 21:33

You never know what's gone on in someone else's family

This in spades.

AwakeAmbs · 25/12/2019 21:33

She probably treated them badly..and is covering it up..

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/12/2019 22:43

No my dad likes to do Christmas but this always happens each year at the last minute!

But if it always happens, why can’t you plan for it? Surely it’s no longer a surprise after the first few years? I know sometimes when people get to a certain age they get very set in the mindset of ‘This is what I was told was happening; therefore this is what’s happening’. However, you also know this happens every year - you could raise it with your dad early on.

I’ve no idea why her own children don’t want her there, but for you all to keep pretending this is a big surprise seems pointless. Unless she wants a fuss and this is how she gets it?

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 25/12/2019 22:49

Missing the point, but if your dad can't actually be happy to have his partner around for Christmas then what is the point in being with her? I can't understand why he woukd get angsty about the woman he supposedly loves being with him over Christmas.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 25/12/2019 22:50

Well for a start you've said she's got high standards. That can manifest in picky behaviour. She might be more inclined to behave that way with her own children rather than you.

He might well have asked her not to come third yet and it might have caused tension.

BahBloodyHumbug · 25/12/2019 23:13

You're only getting one side of the story.

Swipe left for the next trending thread