Shabby Behaviour

[LexMitior]

I have just finished Christmas Day with a surprise guest, specifically my father’s girlfriend. Each year we go and have Christmas at my fathers house. He is 80 and we take turns to do the cooking and cleaning up. I’ve known his girlfriend for five years - nice woman and mostly very hospitable. She has three children of her own.

Each year is the same for her. None of them want to host her. Not one. And she is desperate to see her grandchildren and clearly wants to be invited. She claims to have been, and then at the last minute, these invites never materialise and she says how important they are and how she doesn’t want to burden them. She comes to my father’s for Christmas. Of course we make her feel welcome but now I really wonder whether her family really cannot be bothered and simply rely on us to host. And whether her excuses of how marvellous they are must mask a bit of real pain at their behaviour.

AIBU to think they treat their mother badly?

My dad is a widow and yes he did spend a lot of time on his own before. And she has a very particular way of doing things. They rub along well and it’s only Christmas he seems very stressed. I think because it always comes at the last minute. And it’s literally either 24 hours or even hours before when she says can she come.

She sees her grandchildren very rarely. This year, her son has a new baby. She is not invited. I can’t imagine how this works because nice as my dad is, a new baby would be amazing and probably more interesting to a group of adults.

She goes on endlessly about her family. And they never turn up to her events, or if they do, it’s for the shortest possible period.

I used to just think they were busy but honestly it looks like it’s completely deliberate.

Though you seem baffled by it OP...

She goes on endlessly about her family. And they never turn up to her events, or if they do, it’s for the shortest possible period.

There is clearly a interesting novel to be written between the lines of these two sentences

Has she ever talked about her previous relationship with her kids dad. That might have a lot to do with how they treat her now, the possibilities of why this is.. are endless

Have you ever discussed much with the lady about her past specifically about her children and her previous husband. Do you know if she is a divorcee or a widow. She could even still be married. This might explain her children being distant with her and her not being visited or invited.
There has to be a huge heap of information you dont know or perhaps you are not saying here

You say that 'she has very high standards'. I suspect this is the crux of it.

I wouldn't want DM or MIL round for Christmas if they couldn't relax and enjoy the way we do it. I'd be irritated by nit picking or criticisms. Some people seem to think that they can criticise their children's choices in a way that they wouldn't dream of criticising friends or others.

Maybe their standards aren't as high as hers and she's let them know in the past so is no longer invited.

My mother was very abusive to me and my brother as children and as adults manipulative and nasty, I have refused to have her the last five years and will continue to do so, my bro hosted her two years ago and she caused a scene so large his mil won’t see me now, I assume she believes what my mum says on one level.

My mother will tell anyone she meets about us and her wonderful grandchildren, I meet her once a year. I sure she makes stuff up as she never asks about them and only texts me to tell me all about her life.

Hmm. I would look at DM behavior.

My Dad is a bit like this (he did come yesterday though). He is very controlling and as teens/young adults we all had to toe the line because he controlled the money (and we are weak people for whom going NC at Uni /house buying time wasn't an issue).

Before I had my eyes open to this I borrowed some money to buy my first flat. (For background my parents could easily afford to have given me 5k). This meant that Every time I went to his house I had to go into his study for at least an hour to discuss my "debt" (payment was arranged over 5years and I was on schedule), my spending and household budget. I eventually did a pile of locum work and paid it off early as I couldn't stand the intrusive comments and snide remarks about my stuff.

He then did the same to my brother.

I was financially free for a long time and then fell in love with an amazing property in my dream location. I needed to borrow 20k to cover stamp duty pending my grandfather's estate being wound up. My siblings tried to help but we couldn't quite get the money together. In retrospect I should have got a bank loan/ extended the mortgage but the numbers just felt a bit big.

Now every time I see him he asks me how I feel about not living in dream location & how property prices there are doing. I never let on how much this upsets me (don't rise to it!) but it does.

On Monday I organized a lovely night out for Christmas. He initially said he would my come due to the walking involved. So I booked a mobility scooter. Then he wasn't prepared to come out at night...

Meanwhile he invited us on Saturday 21st to "arrange a date for him to cook dinner over Christmas". My sister and I are only in home town for a limited period. My brothers wife has her own family commitments so we said that with this notice we couldn't get a date without letting other people down.

So to retaliate on Monday my dad announced he had "plans" and wouldn't even join us for dinner after the outdoor event. My sister is staying with him. His plan was a Chinese takeaway on his own.

I find it tragic that he would rather play a power game than come and spend time with us. On the upside we had a lovely time and my aunt came instead and loved the experience and not worrying about the walking due to the mobility scooter (we had initially felt that managing her & Dad was too complicated). If we do it next year we will ask her first!

I suspect his neighbors think I'm dreadful about not including him is stuff but by God I try and I feel that he is actually emotionally abusing me.

This strikes a chord with me, as my DM is quite similar. She has 'high standards' for our DDs' behaviour and is always nit picking and telling them off. Sometimes she'll stick her oar in when DH or I are handling it.

My DDs (10 and 7) are adopted and DH and I have repeated to her many times that she needs to lower her expectations, especially where DD1 is concerned, as she has SEN and attachment issues. My DM gives lip service to accepting this, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. A couple of times she's even ostentatiously given DD2 a treat but said DD1 won't have it because of her behaviour.

Her visits always end up becoming an ordeal to be endured. Our way of coping is having her with us for short visits.

My DM is totally gushing about all her DGC (it's a similar story with my DSis's DC). But she's alienating them; my DDs now pull a face when told that my DM will be taking the out for a treat, with a kind of 'Do I have to?' air. She will end up with them not wanting to see her once they're old enough to refuse.

There's also a complicated backstory in that DM didn't realise that DSis and I were going through SA at the hands of our F, and she was unavailable to us emotionally. We don't hold against her something she didn't know about, but it leaves a sour taste in the mouth when she jumps in to take over the parenting, as she wasn't at all a good mum to us when we were growing up.

So yes, there is without a doubt a backstory here.

Yes to add to this. She is divorced. Her children are split between fathers. So one son and daughter have one father, the youngest son another father. She’s reasonably well off and well to do. And she is full of stories about her life which are all amazing. First husband was a diplomat who disappeared (apparently) and she and the children never heard from him again. Second was a businessman who did similar.

I think also she may have had a problem with alcohol in the past - which would definitely have affected her children. She stopped drinking last year, for unspecified reasons. All very secretive but perhaps I’d guess she’s had serious problems with it which they don’t want any part of.

I wouldn't cast judgement one way or the other without knowing what's going on. Why did it put a dampener on your Christmas though? If it happens every year I'd just cater for an extra guest just the same as you would if the girlfriend had no family.

And she is full of stories about her life which are all amazing. First husband was a diplomat who disappeared (apparently) and she and the children never heard from him again. Second was a businessman who did similar.

Sounds as if there might be something right there that is affecting the relationship. People don't often just disappear, to have it happen with both of your partners is unfortunate to say the least. Maybe the lady has secrets - or her children know things about her that you don't (not necessarily terrible things but just stuff that would affect thier relationship) Families are complicated.

I suspect there’s a lot more to this, in terms of history between this woman and her children, but I wouldn’t get involved. It may well be that her children have gone low/no contact for a good reason but that she can’t/won’t accept it and thinks she’s done nothing wrong.

If she ends up coming for Christmas each year, maybe manage the situation by assuming she will be there?

Crikey. So she probably has a drink problem, drove two husbands away, is really picky and has a relationship with her family that only exists in her head.

Then why is it "shabby behaviour" of them when there are clearly difficulties in her relationships. ?

It sounds like a clear case of reap and sow