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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Present giving

37 replies

Sunny3621 · 25/12/2019 19:10

Myself and my hubby spent time and quite a bit of money on my bro in law and sis in law and our nephews Xmas presents. I was quite shocked to discover that they got my son absolutely nothing which I am very annoyed at. They didn’t get anything for myself or my hubby either but what upsets me more is the fact that we’ve went out and individually picked out all four presents for them and they can’t buy my son a lousy thing! This isn’t the first time they’ve done something like this, on my son birthday a few years ago - my nephew had his b/day party (as his b/day is the day before) and invited us along. My hubby and son went and gave my nephew a present, wished my son a happy birthday and didn’t reciprocate, not even a card!!! It’s not like they’ve money as they have plenty. My point is though it’s the principle. I suppose I’m looking for advice on what to do, what would you do? Hurt me is one thing, but not my son! Please advise?

OP posts:
Peony99 · 25/12/2019 19:15

Don't give them presents next year.

UtuNorantiPralatongsThirdEye · 25/12/2019 19:18

Never buy them a gift again. Job done.

bridgetreilly · 25/12/2019 19:24

Either you carry on giving presents because you like to be generous, or you stop because there's no reciprocation. You can do either, but do it without expecting anything in return. That's clearly their choice. It doesn't need a huge drama either way.

Original poster
Sunny3621 · 25/12/2019 19:27

My hubby keeps insisting we do it, saying he’s being the bigger person.

OP posts:
Jenpop234 · 25/12/2019 19:28

Take the hint. They don't want to buy you presents. Nobody has to buy you presents, it's not mandatory. Next year either don't buy presents or don't shine when you don't get any back

BackforGood · 25/12/2019 19:44

Just ask the question, next October.

"Just wondering what you want to do about presents, as there was that confusion last year where you thought we weren't doing them, and we got all 4 of you gifts. Don't mind either way but don't want to get in to that embarrassing situation again where one of us got presents and the other didn't. What do you want to do this year?"

DukeChatsworth · 25/12/2019 19:49

If your DH keeps insisting then he’s a mug not a bigger person. Stop buying for the CF’s!

overnightangel · 25/12/2019 19:52

They probably dislike your continual overuse of the word “hubby” and are punishing you accordingly

Cornishmum00 · 25/12/2019 19:58

If they did same on his birthday why are you shocked they've done it again? No more presents for bil and sil and only for dn if you are happy to give but not receive

percheron67 · 25/12/2019 20:55

overnightangel. My thoughts exactly! (not to mention "Myself").

NorthernLightsInWinter · 25/12/2019 21:02

Just stop! If your DH won't see reason entirely, agree on a small token gift for each child.

Topseyt · 25/12/2019 21:22

I would just completely stop buying them any gifts at all, for any occasion. Problem solved.

ThebishopofBanterbury · 25/12/2019 23:12

Stop buying them things they are obviously dropping a hint. My cousin did that to me, every year I bought his kids gifts, and they sent smaller and smaller gifts for mine until last year they didn't get anything and I did. This year I haven't bothered and am really pleased as two less people on my Christmas list!

madeyemoodysmum · 25/12/2019 23:32

Sunny I'm in exactly your position. Really pisses me off.

sproutsgalore · 25/12/2019 23:38

Do you buy the presents, or does your dh - I'm assuming it is his brother, sil and nephew?

Gingerkittykat · 25/12/2019 23:40

Bayliss and Harding gift sets from now on for the adults, a small but thoughtful gift for the child.

Cornishclio · 25/12/2019 23:43

Maybe they want to stop the present buying. Just stop giving them presents if you are going to get annoyed if it is not reciprocated. It is not being the bigger man to force them into a position where they have to buy you stuff just because you buy for them. That is not what present buying should be about. We don't buy for all extended family but this was agreed between us.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/12/2019 00:07

Just ask the question, next October.

"Just wondering what you want to do about presents, as there was that confusion last year where you thought we weren't doing them, and we got all 4 of you gifts. Don't mind either way but don't want to get in to that embarrassing situation again where one of us got presents and the other didn't. What do you want to do this year?"

I really wouldn't do this as it could make it extremely awkward indeed. As far as they were concerned (assuming they didn't enquire as to or otherwise clearly expect their presents from you), the confusion was all on your part. They've made it perfectly clear that they don't do presents but you've never picked up on that very clear message that they've been repeatedly giving you.

They're not wrong for not wanting to exchange presents; just as you aren't wrong for wanting to. It's just different ways of doing things. The only way there's anything amiss is where one side clearly expects to receive presents from the other but has no intention of giving them.

Accept that they aren't a present-exchanging family and strike them off your list - in the same way as you may have friendly Muslim or Jewish neighbours you get on very well with, but you don't exchange Christmas cards with, if they don't 'do' Christmas. If your DH hesitates to do so, tell him that you're actually making things more awkward for them by persisting. Everybody wins!

tinytoast · 26/12/2019 00:15

If this isnt the first time they've done something like this then you're an even bigger fool.

Don't buy for them again. It isnt rocket science.

tinytoast · 26/12/2019 00:18

And it's also not the principle. Nobody is obliged to buy you presents. It sounds like they've made it very clear that they dont want to buy for you. Stop missing the signs.

BackforGood · 26/12/2019 00:28

Not really @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll.

It is pretty normal in society to buy for siblings and nieces and nephews.

It just makes sense to have a conversation about it if they want to withdraw from what is 'conventional'.
Why would you not have a conversation about it ?
Over the last 25 years, we've had different agreements with siblings and their dc and who gets what, partly from when finances were really tight, to when things got a bit better, to when the dc have all become adults. Things have changed, but there's never been any bad feeling as we talk about what we are going to do.
We don't even do the same with all our siblings and our siblings' families - but again, no issue as that is what has been agreed. There is no 'assuming' and then no 'fuming' at others not having read your minds.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/12/2019 00:49

It is pretty normal in society to buy for siblings and nieces and nephews.

It just makes sense to have a conversation about it if they want to withdraw from what is 'conventional'.
Why would you not have a conversation about it ?

I fully agree with you that their preference very much goes against what is normal. However, it really sounds like they have already chosen to withdraw from/not to start doing it.

OP could raise it with them as a 'Why don't you do it?' rather than pretending there was any confusion when there clearly wasn't. I still think it would be very awkward, though - and totally unnecessary.

Plenty of folk live what may be seen as 'unconventional' lives in many respects, but asking them why they do so will often come across as direct criticism of them and their life choices.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/12/2019 01:10

My hubby keeps insisting we do it, saying he’s being the bigger person.

Then you have two options:

A) Keep trying to tell him that there’s ‘being the bigger person’ and there’s being taken for a mug; therefore it’s time to stop buying presents.

B) Grit your teeth and accept he’ll keep buying for them. Make it clear that you won’t be spending time sourcing or wrapping gifts.

I’m afraid Option C where they see the error of their ways is highly unlikely.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/12/2019 01:13

They probably dislike your continual overuse of the word “hubby” and are punishing you accordingly

Do you enjoy coming across as a total wanker?

Designerenvy · 26/12/2019 01:21

I have this. I decided a time back that I would still buy for the kids ( nice tokens ) for birthdays and Christmas . I don't expect anything in return so it doesn't bother me ( anymoreWink, but it did very much at one stage ) .

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