To not want my kids pictures being used without permission?

[Eslteacher06]

My husband doesn't like most of his family. There's a history of disagreements with them and DP just didn't want to know. When we got married, I made a real effort with them, especially one who had a kid the same time as me (A). But it just backfired in my face.

Fast forward, and we had a disagreement with Avabout their lack of consideration. It ended in them making up a lot of stuff to the nan, but worst of all, taking my kids presents back at Christmas, something I will never forgive them for. Ok, fall out with me, but don't take it out on the kids.

This was 3 years ago and we haven't seen them since, plus they are blocked on social media. I get a message from my SIL saying she hopes I don't mind, but she's passed on a picture of my kids from my FB page, which is set to private, to A so they can make a calendar picture for her nan. Nice sentiment, but I mind, a lot. And I told her this. Mainly because I don't even know which picture was chosen, and my feelings were not considered. These are my kids afterall. She said she would "sort it" but she made me feel like I was unreasonable to not want to do it.

Then imagine my surprise this morning when I find out the picture is still in the calendar as the nan tells me this. SIL happens to turn up and I said "DPs nan has just told me that picture I did not want in the calendar is in there". She just storms off and doesn't speak to me for the rest of the time. I'm now upset with the way she handled it, and again, just brushed my feelings aside.

First of all, AIBU, but also WWYD now?

How did she get the picture if your account is private? Just don’t post any pictures on social media if even a calendar for a family member is not acceptable to you

I actually think it’s nice she has thought to include your children in the calendar even with the fall out

Your SIL should have asked your permission before acting.

The present is for Nan so leaving your children out would be nastier.

She definitely shouldn't have done that but the calendar is made now...it would be ridiculous to insist it's chucked out

SIL should've asked permission but I don't actually see what harm has been done tbh.

I'd not post pics of my children on FB anyway, private or not.

Why do you mind? The fallout was between the adults. The kids are still part of the family.

You’re being naive if you think your “private” settings will prevent your pictures being shared. Once they’re on Facebook anything could happen. YABU.

You need to really listen to the reasons why your h doesn't like most of his family. I think it's pretty weird that you went against the person who knows them best and "made an effort". I bet he knew that things would end like this. (Can you tell I have a ducked up family too?)

Restrict his side of the family from seeing pics of the kids. Even if A is blocked, she can get screenshots off anybody else who
is a social media friend of yours or just browse while logged in as another family member. You were naive to think that A wasn't seeing your content.

I think that you should have been asked before the calendar was produced (you might have an even better pic) but A would have been damned if she didn't include your kids in the calendar so in her shoes it's better to piss off you for adding them than the rest of the family by excluding them.

I think that you need to consider restricting everyone on that side of the family's access to your pics or not post them at all.

No I agree about my pictures. I'm going to be careful from now on. When I say private, I mean only friends can see. A shame cause I post for my family to see.

If A had let me know through SIL or MIL beforehand, then I'd have been ok as I am picking the photo. It's another example of having to put up and shut up and I've had enough.

I don't want them seeing pictures of my kids cause they are quick to judge or find fault. Silly I know, but I've had one of them walk past me and call me fat with no provocation. I'm not fat either. But this is what I'd be dealing with.

Of course, I'm not going to ask for it to be ripped up now, I never implied that. But I certainly don't want this to happen again. I don't trust my SIL now and it's made me think differently about her. She's not even related by blood to her!

Dont put pictures on fb if you dont want people printing them off

@doritosdip You're right about trusting DP instincts. He hadn't seen them in years and I assumed they had changed/grown up. But no. He did say I told you so lol. I just prefer judging a person's character myself rather than relying on others opinions. Plus I had grown up thinking that if you marry, you take on DP family too. Pay. Nope!

”When I say private, I mean only friends can see. A shame cause I post for my family to see.“

There are no guarantees that anything you post will be private no matter your settings. Think about the bigger picture and your children’s privacy and stop posting their image online.

@spatchcock I have said I'm going to be more careful from now on.

What I am asking really is how to deal with SIL.

I can't change what's happened but right now, I feel like distancing myself from my SIL, as she clearly couldn't give a crap about me going by this (she knew we didn't speak to A) but not sure if that's the right thing to do.

TBH I think you’ve put your SIL in a very difficult position. It’s fine for you to be NC with the family, but she isn’t, and it’s not fair to expect her to take your side here. You’re friends with her, she’s still in touch with the family, what should she have done? Said “oh sorry, you can’t have a picture because X isn’t speaking to you”?

I don’t get this whole idea of needing to ask permission to use pictures. If you’re happy to post your pictures online then they’re no longer private. Do you ask your children’s permission to share their pictures online?

I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of a reaction.

What I am asking really is how to deal with SIL. you don’t. If you’re still in contact with her then going NC over her being in contact with people you’re NC with will make you look the petty one.

Being NC with people is your decision and yours alone. You have no right to insist others go along with that.

I can't get fussed about this since you're posting your kids photos on social media without their permission anyway.

And if you're going to say they're ok with it, unless they're at least 12 or 13, they won't know the possible future implications of this sort of thing.

I think it's more to do with your dislike of the woman than being bothered about your kid's photos.

If you post things online, you have to accept that they might be shared. Sounds like you're still bitter and looking for a fight

I think you need to think very carefully. A and SiL chose to recognise your children's position in the family, despite the falling out. If you aren't careful, you'll fall out with SiL as well and then the kids will have even fewer family.

You can set your privacy settings per album. I upload all photos of my children to those albums only and restrict access to those albums. I had a friend who used to share random pictures of my kids on her profile so I set it up.

@alternativeperspective His family can do what they like when it comes to contact with eachother. I'm not going no contact because SIL speaks to A? Id be doing it because I CBA with people who don't consider me, esp
when it relates to my children. How have I put my SIL in a tricky situation? If anything, she's put me in one. All she had to do was say "ok let me speak to eslteacher". Instead she opened my profile, searched through my pictures and decided the best picture to give to A and gave it her, and only THEN thinking....hang on, maybe I should check with eslteacher as I know they are NC.

TBH when someone says they’re NC with a lot of other people, I often wonder what the other side to the story is.