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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish they wouldn't get DD a present?

53 replies

Namechangedfornow7 · 25/12/2019 16:29

DD is 13. Her half siblings are 6 and 7. They are her dad's but not mine.

She sees her dad EW and every other xmas. Every year, her stepmum's parents and aunt always get her a present. She doesn't really know them, they don't really know her, they only see each other at family gatherings. She isn't ungrateful, she knows it's very generous of them but she feels uncomfortable as they aren't really her family and she feels like they feel they have to. She thinks they are worried she will be offended if her siblings have presents and she doesn't, she wouldn't be, they're their family not hers.

She's been texting me as she's at her dad's this Christmas and she mentioned it. She's told me about it before. She's grateful, and said thank you, but it makes her really uncomfortable, especially because the rest of her dad's family keep reminding her that it's so generous of them as they aren't her family, and that they didn't have to, etc. She feels as if she's being made to feel guilty that they get her a present and DD (and I on her behalf) almost wish they wouldn't get her anything.

OP posts:

churchandstate · 25/12/2019 16:30

YABU. They are being kind and she (and you) are being ungracious. Sorry.

countrygirl99 · 25/12/2019 16:31

Would you prefer they treated her as an outsider?

kimlo · 25/12/2019 16:33

the presents aren't the problem, it's other people making a big thing of how grateful she should be. Theres being kind and theres being kind to make a show of it.

sunshineandshowers21 · 25/12/2019 16:33

i think it’s nice that they’ve included her. most of our family have bought presents for my sister’s stepdaughter and i hope her mum doesn’t feel this way about us!

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 25/12/2019 16:34

the rest of her dad's family keep reminding her that it's so generous of them as they aren't her family

Then they are wankers.

This is the problem, not your DD or the step-grandparents. Of course she isn't being "ungracious" FFS.

Celebelly · 25/12/2019 16:34

If you know they get her a gift every year, why don't you or her father get something small for them too on her behalf?

Waveysnail · 25/12/2019 16:38

I would do exactly the same in step mums parents situation. Have you thought your ex would get stroppy with his paretners if they didnt treat his first child the same as his subsequent children?

You need to remind your dd that it's kind they brought her a gift and stop moaning

ChickLitLover · 25/12/2019 16:38

but it makes her really uncomfortable, especially because the rest of her dad's family keep reminding her that it's so generous of them as they aren't her family, and that they didn't have to, etc

That’s a really horrible thing for the rest of the family to keep saying. The stepmums parents and aunt sound kind and want her to feel included, the problem lies with the others. Can her dad have a word with them ?

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 25/12/2019 16:40

The other family members need to STFU.

ExMIL buys for my DD who’s not her DGC and she buys for my DSD, she’s in no way obligated but does it because she’s a bloody lovely woman.

HJWT · 25/12/2019 16:41

But they are her family... they are her STEP family! Her dad need to tell his family to butt out

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 25/12/2019 16:41

Are some people deliberately ignoring how the other family members keep saying that the grandparents don't need to buy a gift as they aren't family?

Celebelly · 25/12/2019 16:43

Well the other family members are idiots, but presumably that's nothing to do with the actual gift-givers? So it's two separate issues.

Somebodystired · 25/12/2019 16:43

Yeah it's the rest of the family making a big deal out of it that's the problem.

My parents and siblings have always bought for my DSS, and now buy for him and my DS. It's completely normal behaviour.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 25/12/2019 16:46

So it's two separate issues.

No it isn't. They are a big part of why the DD feels uncomfortable about it.

ohwheniknow · 25/12/2019 16:47

the rest of her dad's family keep reminding her that it's so generous of them as they aren't her family, and that they didn't have to, etc.

It's not the op or her child being "ungracious" .

Doing stuff because you want other people to throw you a parade isn't kind either.

BlouseAndSkirt · 25/12/2019 16:47

The present isn’t the problem.

This is: her dad's family keep reminding her that it's so generous of them as they aren't her family, and that they didn't have to, etc

Sounds like they are trying but being clumsy and heavy handed. Unless actually truly horrible.

13 year olds are v v sensitive to this kind of thing. Tell her that as they are not her blood family it matters less how they treat her.

And that blended families are tricky and sometimes people don’t know how to be for the best, so don’t take it personally.

Has she discussed this with her Dad.

Sleepysundown · 25/12/2019 16:49

I thought YWBU up until the bit they make a point of it. Now YANBU. That’s making the difference more stark!

ohwheniknow · 25/12/2019 16:49

Are some people deliberately ignoring how the other family members keep saying that the grandparents don't need to buy a gift as they aren't family?

Some people get a kick out of being nasty and making others feel small. More opportunities to do so if they twist or ignore facts.

HeyMac · 25/12/2019 16:52

It's the rest of the family insisting she should be grateful that need to fuck off.

It's kind that they buy her something and I think they should buy her something. It welcomes her to their family, know that they want her presence and think enough of her to buy her a gift. Lovely people.

HeyMac · 25/12/2019 16:53

... and as someone who has been in that situation as a child- she'll appreciate it as an adult.

WeArnottamused · 25/12/2019 16:53

the rest of her dad's family keep reminding her that it's so generous of them as they aren't her family, and that they didn't have to, etc.

That’s the issue, my in laws have always included my DS, treated him equally & never mentioned to either him or myself that he isn’t “really family”

Dixiechickonhols · 25/12/2019 16:56

It’s nice they include her. The pointing out how grateful she should be by others is rude. Could she take them a token gift such as a handmade card or plant some hyacinth bulbs and decorate the pots.

RandomMess · 25/12/2019 17:00

It is lovely they are including here, awful they are making a thing of it 🙈 at 13 now and spending next Christmas with you can she hurt stipulate Christmas with you from now on and tell her Dad it's fine if virtual strangers don't want to give her a gift from now on?

Italiangreyhound · 25/12/2019 17:12

IMHP this is the bit that is wrong "...it makes her really uncomfortable, especially because the rest of her dad's family keep reminding her that it's so generous of them as they aren't her family, and that they didn't have to, etc.."

the fact they buy her presents seems fine to me, and she is part of their family because they are her dad's family. So the bit that is wrong is the idea she is not part of the family.

In your shoes I'd be tempted to encourage her to just feel grateful she gets presents, but to feel she is part of their family. As adults her and her half-siblings will decide how much they feel like siblings and what their relationship is and that might outlast the relationship wih grandparents etc.

Does your dd take gifts, could she take token gifts for her half siblings?

user1493413286 · 25/12/2019 17:14

This is interesting as I’m a stepmum and I’ve purposefully made sure my family give DSD presents as otherwise it is mean and would make her feel different but you’ve made me wonder. The part about how they remind her that they don’t need to get the present is rude though.

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