AIBU?
Do I ask DP if I can change present?
ChazP · 25/12/2019 13:06
New poster but need advice! DP has bought me lovely new headphones. Very happy - what I asked for. Lovely present. But I’m really not keen on the colour. He gets really sensitive about buying gifts - if you’re not really enthusiastic he gets down on himself and beats himself up about “always getting it wrong” (he doesn’t - usually his gifts are fab). These are expensive and I’ll wear them a lot so I’d really like them to be just right, but don’t want to hurt his feelings. Do I ask him if I can change the colour or just keep quiet??
Thanks and Merry Christmas x
BeanTownNancy · 25/12/2019 13:13
It's going to depend entirely on your partner.
I personally hate wasting money and would 100% rather my husband told me if something wasn't quite right than not use it. I have told him as much.
My husband himself is more sensitive and would be gutted he had got it wrong so I probably wouldn't tell him and would just make myself love the gesture and love the colour because he chose it.
coconuttelegraph · 25/12/2019 13:37
Without knowing him I don't think anyone here can give you the right advice, personally I wouldn't mind if I'd given a gift that was exchanged for a different colour but that's no help to you obviously and neither will other posters personal preferences.
Rachelfromfriends1 · 25/12/2019 13:47
I would. The colour certainly does matter.
If they’re expensive, you’d expect aesthetics to make up a large portion of that price tag anyway, eg Beats Pro. You may as well get exactly what you want in terms of colour instead of making do and being unsatisfied.
They’re headphones, not earphones, so to a certain degree you’ll have an outfit mismatch eg if they’re garish or not neutral. Especially as you intend to wear the frequently.
Ellisandra · 25/12/2019 13:48
They’re what you asked for, so it’s not like he’s come up with this amazing spot on hard to find surprise gift that you’re just going to complain about. (not that a colour swap is a complaint anyway).
I absolutely would say “I love love love these! Perfect, thank you so much. Would you mind if I swapped them for the same in blue though, as I really like that colour?”
I would say this 5% because I want blue, and who wouldn’t want me to have what I prefer? (I would never care if someone asked me - would be pleased to know they were getting what they liked)
But 95% I’d say it because the way to deal with him being a dick, is to confront it. This is ridiculous behaviour. You’re too scared to ask for a simple thing because he’s going to totally over react 
What’s more important to him? You being happy, or him preserving his sense of self worth over being Mr Perfect Present.
This goes two ways - he has issues, or he’s a dick.
- issues: maybe you can work through that. Raise that you want to change them, reassure him that they’re lovely - but if he over reacts, gently tell him he needs to address his issues
- dick: better to confront it, see him for the dick he is, and get rid before the manipulation and over reaction seeps into other areas of your relationship
ChazP · 25/12/2019 15:09
Thank you all for your responses. I’ve decided to sleep on it - I don’t need to get them out of the packaging today and I don’t want to risk upsetting the balance on Christmas Day. I might give him the lie-in tomorrow and raise it after he’s had a good night’s sleep, if I do still want to swap them. Hope you all enjoy your Christmases. Thank you again x
Ellisandra · 25/12/2019 15:52
I totally understand why you don’t want to give him the opportunity to be a dick today.
But please, have a think about whether it is really right that you don’t even dare to ask him to change the colour of your present, without letting him have “the lie-in” (do you have children and it’s your turn you’re giving up?). That’s very wrong.
bridgetreilly · 25/12/2019 17:09
I mostly think that if someone's given you a present, that's the present. The right and polite thing to do is be grateful for it and thank them. And especially when, as in this case, he has actually got you something you really like.
It's not about him being a dick or treading on eggshells or whatever. It's not actually about his feelings at all. It's because that's the right thing to do with a present.
Rachelfromfriends1 · 25/12/2019 17:12
I also find the fact that you have to tread on eggshells around him quite sad too. It should be such a minor conversation in a healthy relationship. Neither my partner or my exes would bat an eyelid at this, you’re not disregarding the gift itself, it’s just that a different colour may suit you more. It’s a personal choice. He sounds too uptight if this would actually upset him and cause a scene.
Heismyopendoor · 25/12/2019 17:13
Tbh I would just keep them. He done well getting what you needed/wanted and it seems a bit petty to make him feel a bit crap over the colour. If you know he’s sensitive to this kind of thing it doesn’t seem worth upsetting him. Does he have self esteem issues?
ChazP · 25/12/2019 17:18
Thank you so much for your replies and your concern. I could start a number of threads about various aspects of our relationship! There are a number of “niggles” and the timing of discussing them is always pretty important. For the most part he is a good man - a loving partner and good dad. Some days less so. In theory we share out the lie-ins. In practice, I take more of the early starts because when he’s tired we’re more likely to have a stressy day. It just means I’m more likely to crash out on the sofa at 9pm!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.