Do I ask DP if I can change present?

[ChazP]

New poster but need advice! DP has bought me lovely new headphones. Very happy - what I asked for. Lovely present. But I’m really not keen on the colour. He gets really sensitive about buying gifts - if you’re not really enthusiastic he gets down on himself and beats himself up about “always getting it wrong” (he doesn’t - usually his gifts are fab). These are expensive and I’ll wear them a lot so I’d really like them to be just right, but don’t want to hurt his feelings. Do I ask him if I can change the colour or just keep quiet??
Thanks and Merry Christmas x

In theory we share out the lie-ins. In practice, I take more of the early starts because when he’s tired we’re more likely to have a stressy day.

That sounds like a coded way of saying that unless his needs are prioritised he takes it out on everyone else...

Sorry - realised more replies had come in. He can be a bit uptight and although confident in most situations, does have an element of insecurity. He wouldn’t get tearful or angry but if it upset him that I’d raised it it would add an atmosphere to the day, which otherwise has been really lovely.

And I am conscious that raising the issue might seem hypercritical, or that he might see it like that. Like I say, I think I’ll sleep on it and see where we are tomorrow.

Thank you all x

@Heismyopendoor how has he done well though? OP says she got what she asked for. That works perfectly well for many couples so I’m not knocking that he didn’t “do well” himself. But I think it puts a different spin on how polite it is to ask to change the colour. It’s not like he has put loads of effort into a surprise perfect gift and she’s nitpicking one tiny thing because she’s abusive.

This should be a non conversation.

Even the people on this thread who think it’s rude, surely think that the giver’s reaction should be limited to being annoyed at the rudeness, and hopefully communicating in a good way that it made them feel

Surely even those that think OP shouldn’t say anything, don’t think it’s acceptable for her to be treading on eggshells over this?

If her boyfriend can’t accept her speaking up without turning it into an All About Him drama, then he should seek therapy.

The OP should not have to put up with being a performing seal with suitable enthusiasm, not to be at the receiving end of one of his moods. That’s shit.

Just saw your update.
So not only does he use his moods to control how enthusiastic you are over presents, he uses his moods to make you have less lie ins.

@Ellisandra explained it better than I could!

I understand that it may be in bad taste to want to change the colour of a gift, but if the recipient does request this, it shouldn’t cause a scene surely. The giver, of course, may be mildly annoyed but it should be a minor conversation and not lead into a day long mood on his behalf.

another woman walking on eggshells

ellis he’s done well in that she got what she wanted. I’ve read lots of threads here over the years of posters literally giving a list to their DHs and they still manage to fuck it up.

To me I would accept the gift from my husband graciously. As I said, it doesn’t seem worth it to me to say you don’t like the colour and cause upset or sadness.

But if he is often like this and op is walking on eggshells, then I think she has more problems than the headphones not being her colour preference. OP, what else makes him act like that and cause a funky atmosphere?

As I said, it doesn’t seem worth it to me to say you don’t like the colour and cause upset or sadness.

But should not liking the colour cause upset and sadness? It shouldn’t for a reasonable partner in my opinion.

It’s sad you feel unable to make such a small point without fear of repercussions, that really isn’t normal or healthy. If it was my DH I’d say ‘oh I love them they’re perfect, but I’d actually love them in X colour instead, any chance they can be changed, no worries if not’ and he’d say yes sure, or argh I lose the receipt, and we’d move on. Your level of concern here is excessive and indicates he’s often unreasonable. The fact you’re then making sure he has extra sleep tomorrow before having a normal conversation with him.... this really isn’t a way to live

@Heismyopendoor we would approach the colour change differently - but I think we’d both be coming at it from the perspective of a healthy relationship. And fuck knows I was in one that wasn’t, so I don’t say that in a smug way at all.

I would disagree that getting what you are told your girlfriend wants is doing well though! It’s just doing. It doesn’t become well, just because there so very poor actions to compare it to!

I guess I’m just different. I was brought up very strict to be grateful for what you got and accept gifts graciously. Not saying anyone who disagrees with my post wasn’t, but I just wouldn’t think to bring it up.

If my DH said my gift I got him was good, it was a bike, but he didn’t like the colour and he wanted to exchange it I’d probably think it’s a bit petty. I know it’s what he wanted, the spec he wanted with all the bits we would like and he wants to exchange it? I wouldn’t want my DH to think he’d messed up over a colour. The OP’s DH may have put a lot of thought into the colour choice, even though he was asked for the headphones. I know my DH would think like ‘well I’ll get her black as she wears lots of blacks, greys, etc so she must like that’ where as I may think I’d like a contrasting colour so they pop. That would probably hurt his feelings then. I wouldn’t want to do that to an otherwise great gift.

But, as I’ve said, in the bigger picture if op is walking on eggshells and scared to bring things up or say things because of fear of the aftermath then that’s not ok.

Definitely don’t change them, just enjoy the colour he’s chosen and not hurting his feelings as otherwise they’re perfect.