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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my mum..

33 replies

FloppyBiffAndChip · 25/12/2019 10:28

Grrrr..... She's so miserable.

So every year we alternate - with my mum one year (usually at my house) and the in laws the next.

Mum is more than welcome at the in laws anytime but hates them so that cant happen.

We r at the in laws this year, and I was worried mum'd feel a bit lonely and left out (her own doing, but anyway I love her and care so...) So I arranged for my mum and my siblings (who are at respective in laws this year) to get together on the weekend (we get back from in laws Friday night and it's a plane away, so couldn't do sooner) for a christmas lunch. I'm cooking and hosting, so nothing for my mum to do. She just needs to relax and enjoy and we r happy to get her whatever she wants etc ...

Anyway, I texted her happy Christmas this morning and I've just phoned her to wish her a happy Christmas and she sounded so bloody miserable and said 'im probably not coming on Saturday, I'll just drop your presents and go'. I tried to reassure her saying how much we all wanted her there and it wouldn't be the same without her etc... But she so sounded so angry. She always is angry, no reason, she's probably invented something in her head that I've done ... Anyway, I wished her happy Christmas and hope to see her Saturday.

She ALWAYS tries to ruin good times and I'm sick of it. She cried on my wedding day for fucks sake, making it all about her. I bend over backwards for her and she is always so hostile in return

Anyway...rant over. Thanks for that!

Grrrrr

OP posts:
MitziK · 25/12/2019 10:40

She's probably feeling sorry for herself being alone at Christmas whilst you have a lovely time at the ILs'.

She'll get over it.

Singlenotsingle · 25/12/2019 10:41

How's her MH?

Tetran · 25/12/2019 10:43

She's probably lonely, I definitely don't think that you should do anything differently or that she should be entitiled to feel that way, but can you empathise as to why she might?

Milquetoaster · 25/12/2019 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 25/12/2019 10:46

If this was a man doing this, we'd say he was using emotional blackmail to control you. It's not more acceptable just because it's your mum.

New years resolution for you: stop rising to it. Well, don't stay any longer than you want to, mum. / Sorry to hear that, mum, maybe you'll feel more like it another time. / Oh that's a shame. / I'll leave you to it then.

Youve done your best to do nice things for her. In my experience you can only be kind to those who let you. She's not letting you, but that's not your fault.

RhinoskinhaveI · 25/12/2019 10:49

Making it all about her... Sounds like she has some narcissistic traits?
It might be a good idea to implement firm boundaries 😉

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/12/2019 10:50

You’re doing all you can to support and include her so Hmm to posters who head tilt about your ability to empathise.

She sounds very difficult. Vent here all you need. You don’t have to soak up her anger or be twisted into guilty shapes. Her mood is her choice.

Original poster
FloppyBiffAndChip · 25/12/2019 10:54

Thanks everyone.

Yes I empathise, but I am also frustrated and upset. My siblings and I tried to split things a while ago, so one set would be with her one year while the others were at in laws, and vice versa, so she'd always have family around at Christmas but she didn't like it. She said she wanted all or nothing and demanded that if one was away at in laws, other siblings should be too, and then we should all be with her the following year. So that's what we do now.

I phone her all the time. Took her to a Christmas event recently, yet she just is never happy. She never ever phones me, it's always me phoning her. When she was in hospital recently I took lots of time off to be with her. Yet in her head we do nothing for her and poor her is neglected(?Confused)

I am fed up of always being made to feel like shit when I'm not with her pandering to her!

If I hated my in laws and went to her crying saying I hate them and only want to be with her she would love it. She is jealous of me ever having fun without her. She is never happy for me. Never.

OP posts:
gavisconismyfriend · 25/12/2019 11:12

Oh OP, I hear you. It’s so painful and unnecessary isn’t it. My mum is exactly the same, if it isn’t all about her then she feels hard done by and sulks. Try not to engage, be bright and breezy - “we’d love to see you, but it’s entirely up to you...” - and then leave her to it. The other thing I do now is play “bingo” scoring off all the predictable comments as she trots them out. I’ve already got two lines this morning, one more “once you get old you’re invisible” or “I really don’t eat much anymore” and I’ll have a full house! Full house =a prize to me, so about to crack open the G&T. It takes the sting out of things a bit!!!

Savingshoes · 25/12/2019 11:12

I probably wouldn't entertain her attempts emotional blackmail tbh.
If she says she's not coming Saturday I would just say "oh okay, thanks for letting me know. If you change your mind keep me posted. Anyway got to go, children are calling"
She's made a decision to not do something and I would just respect that rather than anything else.

Original poster
FloppyBiffAndChip · 25/12/2019 11:22

Thanks :) gavisconismyfriend - both those are on my mind list if phrases! You've made me chuckle so I think I'll try and play the bingo game to help my head lighten the dark cloud inside!! Thank you Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
FloppyBiffAndChip · 25/12/2019 11:22

Mum's not mind!!

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 25/12/2019 11:23

I thought all mums cried on wedding days. It's an emotional time.

Original poster
FloppyBiffAndChip · 25/12/2019 11:30

Mere - if she'd cried for that reason I'd be super happy! She was crying because apparently mil was threatening her and she was feeling bullied (she thinks everyone bullies and threatens her - They don't. It's all in her head. She's only met mil twice - once on wedding day, once 6 months before). She cried on both occasions because she was feeling threatened and she had to make it all about her. She moved house because she didn't like and felt threatened by the neighbours. She hates the previous neighbours. She's left jobs because she's feeling threatened and bullied and has 'nasty' colleagues (in EVERY job). The only people she likes are her children (and as you can see from this thread, if she wasn't related to me I wouldn't be her friend). She hates all people.

I knew there would be something she'd cry about on the wedding day, so I didn't let it bother me - but most parents would just suck it up for their kids right? Even if mil had threatened her (which she didn't), it might have been kind of her to just not say anything for that one day so her daughter could just enjoy her special day ...

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 25/12/2019 11:50

She cray cray and the cray cray will just get more as time goes on
You should escape while you still can

RedskyAtnight · 25/12/2019 11:58

My mother is exactly the same. No matter how much you do for her, she starts on with the emotional blackmail. Not so much these days as I've started not to react to it and just reply in a matter of fact way that she really doesn't like.

She's got what she wanted out of you, she wanted to make you feel guilty by saying she wouldn't come on Saturday and you've risen to the bait and overdone the how much you want her to come. If she does similar again, just say "oh that's a shame, we were looking forward to seeing you" and then change the subject.

AllergicToAMop · 25/12/2019 11:59

She is doing it to get a reaction and that she gets. Call her bluff. Next time she says "I am not coming" say "Aw. That's a shame. But if that's what you want it's fine"

gavisconismyfriend · 25/12/2019 12:08

I wonder if our mum’s are related?! The “I’m a victim” line is very familiar... So glad the bingo idea helped, let me know how you score! On a more serious note, if you’re not already familiar with it, you might find the Drama Triangle helpful. It has really helped me to understand the role my mum has chosen for herself (victim) and the roles that she pushes other people into (bully, rescuer). Sorry you’re having a rough time OP - here’s a virtual hug of solidarity and someWine to help you through the day

gavisconismyfriend · 25/12/2019 12:08

Oops - random apostrophe mums not mum’s! I blame the bingo gin!

MollyButton · 25/12/2019 12:24

I suggest when you have time you find the "Stately Homes" thread in the Relationships.

Put her out of your head now and enjoy yourself. It's not you it's her.

Original poster
FloppyBiffAndChip · 25/12/2019 16:25

Thank you everyone Wine

OP posts:
Mummyshark2019 · 25/12/2019 18:18

Leave her on her jack Jones. She will buckle up eventually.

londongirl86 · 25/12/2019 18:35

It's hard to please everyone. You just can not do it. Especially when you have partner's and kids. Both sides matter. I've stayed home this year and invited the in laws over. My parents have gotten over it ok. They don't mind. I get she's lonely but she can't expect you to not invest on your partner's family too. X

misspiggy19 · 25/12/2019 18:45

If this was a man doing this, we'd say he was using emotional blackmail to control you. It's not more acceptable just because it's your mum.

^This. You need to put a stop to her manipulative ways.

Craftycorvid · 25/12/2019 18:53

Blimey, OP, are we secretly half-sisters? My DM does similar. I love her dearly but she tries my patience. Doesn’t ‘do’ xmas but will complain about having ‘seen no one’ over the holiday (she would be welcome to come stay with us). Everything you said rang bells, other than I’ve no siblings. Wine You are not alone!

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