Christmas present row... need to vent

[whatthedeckthehalls]

My DH and I have had a really difficult few years. We have no children (part of the difficulty)

This year, as I do every year since we have been together I have run myself ragged sorting presents for everybody we know including his family as well as planned and catered for Christmas dinner at our house with my family.

I have learned to accept he's not the best at using his initiative to pick presents for me so when asked I'll give him a list of what I'd like and try and make it very easy.

A few weeks ago, a gift arrived that I hadn't chosen but it's a brand I liked. DH showed me as he wanted to be sure I'd like it.

It was a PJ set but the top and bottom didn't match so I said I'd prefer it if I could have different bottoms to match the top. He agreed, we went onto the brand website together and chose another pair of bottoms and he said it was all in hand and he would go and order the new ones and send the old ones back.

Fast forward to today, I've just opened my present.... and the original top and bottoms that don't match are there. I do know that this in itself is not a big deal... but I'm just so upset. DH tried to say this was what I'd asked for but it's clear he had messed up! I just feel so upset that I have planned his presents and his families to a T and yet mine has been a clear after thought and he hadn't even looked at what he was wrapping.

I do know I am probably being unreasonable but I need to rant. DH has now stormed out the house and I have to sort everything out for dinner now... just want to go back to bed!

I think he had tried to get you a surprise and you are being pretty ungrateful. You identified at the start of the thread that your struggle to conceive is the problem, cut each other some slack and remember why you are together, presumably because you are in love. Hope you can get past this to have a nice day xx

So he forgot going on the website, he forgot choosing new bottoms, he forgot saying he'd exchange them?

Does he forget a lot of things?

So he just didnt bother returning the ones you didnt like?

I think he is being a bit daft trying to make out that you wanted those PJs when you actually showed him on the website what you wanted. The fact that he did not change them, and is now trying to make out that it wasn't his fault would annoy me. If he wasn't going to listen to you why did he show you them in advance? Can you exchange them yourself?

YANBU but at the same time I would not let this spoil Christmas, sounds like you are having a tough time and need to be kind to each other.

Surely a normal chap would say "oh no I wrapped up the ones I was going to return". Not accuse you of lying about the discussion you had already about then? That would make anyone mad, being lied to about something that happened just a few weeks ago!

I think he did exchange them but ended up buying the same pair twice!

It's not the pyjamas as such just the lack of effort and thought. I've done absolutely everything.

Yes the pressure of TTC/IVF/miscarriage and stillbirth hasn't helped with this, but whilst I try and make Christmas special it just feels like he just wants to go through it with blinkers. I'd have been happier if he just said he'd put the money towards us going to the cinema! Anything that required some thought....

Yeah, he's being shit.

Stop facilitating his laziness by doing everything. He’s a man, not a child, why are you running yourself ragged? Buy your own presents, and tell him to buy his own, or send him internet links. Tell his family this year that next year he will be sorting out their presents, and as he is not used to this, they need to give him ideas. He’s doing this because he is being enabled. He will still leave it to you when you have children unless you stop this pattern of behaviour now. Why make life so difficult for yourself?

I agree that the pyjamas are probably not the real issue here. Your relationship/ who does most of the "wifework"/ your struggle to conceive are the real sources of stress.

Not everyone is good at presents. (I'm not especially good at them!) DH & I, along with a great many other people, have Amazon wishlists. We buy from there, or 3rd parties. I also keep a Pinterest board of ideas & can quickly add them if DH or anyone mentions anything.

You don't sound ungrateful. Just stressed & focusing on a little problem that's much easier to identify than the ones that are really the issue.

This isn't about pyjamas........it's about the shit year you've had.

We once had an awful year and dp bought me a bag. Id asked for a shoulder bag, with long straps. He got me a shopper bag thing. With short straps. I remember opening it and launching into a tirade of how crap he was which isn't like me at all. But it wasn't about the gift, it was all the shit things that had happened bubbling up. And that one final thing pushing me to the edge.

So sorry you’ve had a tough year, hope 2020 is better for you.

I think it’s pretty odd that he still gave them to you after that convo, what was the point in checking with you? But I don’t think it’s worth falling out majorly over. Try to enjoy the day together still.

My husband and I tend to give each other a list of specific things that we like that the other can choose from, that way it’s still sort of a surprise but alleviates the stress and hassle for both of us. And we each buy for our own families, and choose DDs gifts together. I think you should be really clear with him next year about what you will do and agree upfront how the workload will be split. Don’t martyr yourself.

Stop doing presents for his family - if they get nothing from him then its his problem. Stop enabling him to be a lazy disorganized man child.

If your family always come to yours why not think about changing this next year?

Op he sounds like a childish brat. Hope he gets you something nice to make up for this stupid blunder

You’ve had a shitty year and this is just the culmination of it. Draw a line now and refuse to do it any more.

Trust me, the world will not stop turning if you reduce your Christmas efforts by half next year. I had to drastically cut back on how much I’ve done this year, for my mental health. Do you know the only thing anyone noticed out of the probably 30 things I’ve not done that I usually do? That I haven’t made Christmas shaped dog biscuits 🤣.

I hope 2020 is a better year for you .

Making Christmas special?

Who asked you to do that? Nobody?

Stop it then.

Anyway, sod the presents. Adult presents are mostly bollox anyway. We're not bothering.

Open some wine, stick on a silly movie and chill out.

Stop buying presents for his family. I used to do it for DH, then realised it isn’t my job. Means his family tend to get crap presents (bottle of booze rather than something thoughtful) but I refuse to feel guilty if he can’t be bothered!

I don’t understand why he would get angry and storm out. Why not just say aaargh I can’t believe I stuffed it up, after all that, I’m sorry!

Stop doing presents for his family - if they get nothing from him then its his problem. Stop enabling him to be a lazy disorganized man child.

Exactly! I don't understand why women still enable this shit.

This isn't just about the pyjamas is it OP? What else has he done? Because this really isn't a big deal I've got to admit. No one's day is ruined, the world will carry on turning whether your pyjama bottoms match the top or not. You're stressed out, you've done a lot and you don't need to. Try to enjoy today, there is no prize for being a martyr with regards to planning the presents and Christmas dinner - next year don't do so much.

Thank you everybody
You're very right, I particularly go out of my way for his family because otherwise they'd end up with a last minute gift card from the supermarket or something equally thoughtless but that's just going to have to be the way.

The pyjamas thing truly doesn't bother me in terms of the actual issue, but it was the fact he showed me them weeks ago, we agreed he would swap the bottoms and then he's mindlessly received the new ones (that are the exact same) wrapped them up and not even thought. I've really gone to effort with his presents even getting one thing personalised but I shan't bother again.

Have the family arriving in 3 hours and don't know where to start with the house/dinner!! Do dominoes deliver on Xmas??!

Thanks everybody for your kind words, hope that you enjoy your day x

This year, as I do every year since we have been together I have run myself ragged sorting presents for everybody we know including his family as well as planned and catered for Christmas dinner at our house with my family

Are you choosing to do this or is he making you? If you don’t want to run yourself ragged over xmas then don’t.

I don’t think the gift is that big a deal. It’s not great but it’s the type of mistake other people could make.

I’m sorry you are having fertility difficulties (understatement). It must make everything so difficult.

@CaMePlaitPas he hasn't done anything, it's more what he doesn't do...

Example: we need some party food for Boxing Day. I worked until 5pm yesterday. He goes to the supermarket on Monday with the list of things I put together to get.

In fairness, I didn't specify the party food was needed on the list but he did know.

He comes home and says "oh the supermarket had some great party food..."

Me"great, what did you get?"

Him "nothing, it wasn't on the list"

Me "shops won't be open after Christmas Eve so didn't you think it might be a good idea to pick the bits up we needed"

"A few weeks ago, a gift arrived that I hadn't chosen but it's a brand I liked. DH showed me as he wanted to be sure I'd like it."

Are you usually really picky and controlling about presents, so you've got into a situation were he's scared of getting it wrong?

I agree that it isn't about the present, but other issues.

You've overdone Christmas to the point that it hasn't been enjoyable. Which is something that you need to think about next year.

"but whilst I try and make Christmas special it just feels like he just wants to go through it with blinkers"

That's what you really need to talk about.

Men are thick as shit.

@Ponoka7 I don't think I'm controlling, in fact I'd love a surprise but I never get them!

The PJs I like are from a brand he got me some from (as a surprise) a few years ago... I said I'd love another set again this year in a different colour.

I don't know why he showed me them as I didn't even know he'd got them, but when he did I said I'd prefer the top and bottom to match...