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Original poster

Christmas present row... need to vent

51 replies

whatthedeckthehalls · 25/12/2019 09:23

My DH and I have had a really difficult few years. We have no children (part of the difficulty)

This year, as I do every year since we have been together I have run myself ragged sorting presents for everybody we know including his family as well as planned and catered for Christmas dinner at our house with my family.

I have learned to accept he's not the best at using his initiative to pick presents for me so when asked I'll give him a list of what I'd like and try and make it very easy.

A few weeks ago, a gift arrived that I hadn't chosen but it's a brand I liked. DH showed me as he wanted to be sure I'd like it.

It was a PJ set but the top and bottom didn't match so I said I'd prefer it if I could have different bottoms to match the top. He agreed, we went onto the brand website together and chose another pair of bottoms and he said it was all in hand and he would go and order the new ones and send the old ones back.

Fast forward to today, I've just opened my present.... and the original top and bottoms that don't match are there. I do know that this in itself is not a big deal... but I'm just so upset. DH tried to say this was what I'd asked for but it's clear he had messed up! I just feel so upset that I have planned his presents and his families to a T and yet mine has been a clear after thought and he hadn't even looked at what he was wrapping.

I do know I am probably being unreasonable but I need to rant. DH has now stormed out the house and I have to sort everything out for dinner now... just want to go back to bed!

OP posts:
WeGoHigher · 25/12/2019 10:26

Oh no they're not ...

Look behind you! There's a panto stereotype!

WeGoHigher · 25/12/2019 10:27

That was to timberoo ! Not you OP.

vdbfamily · 25/12/2019 10:44

part of the issue here is this image were all have in our heads of the perfect Christmas. If you're DH is anything like mine he has absolutely no interest in all the gift giving, he just likes a good get together with good food. He gets a bit annoyed with the expectations the kids have and the entitlement. He would be absolutely fine with no presents at all and although he did manage to get me a couple this year with no prompting, that is unusual. It sounds like you are both hurting and he thought he had done well and then let you down which is frustrating for both of you. I think you need to just be kind to each other and try and enjoy a family day. Hoping he will help you with food prep etc. x

chocorabbit · 25/12/2019 10:54

I would message him to say that regardless of the argument you are not the house servant to have to prepare dinner for your guests. And he can order or take them out.

And as most pp have already said, DO NOT bother with future birthday, Xmas etc presents for his family. Now he think you are unreasonable, let him get ridiculed by his relatives to see will then 5, 10, 15 people will all be unreasonable? Let him know that.

Newmummy64 · 25/12/2019 10:58

Sorry to be this person but it's Christmas, doesn't really matter about presents. Perhaps he just lets you get on with organising things because he thinks he'd be a hindrance more than a help.
Also, It seems to me that he finds buying presents hard (like the majority of men) and even gets you to give him a list so he can get it right.
I think he tried his best, got a brand he knew you liked. He even showed you beforehand! Makes me think he was super worried in case he got it wrong.
You could have just said thank you and went and exchanged yourself.
Try and have a merry Christmas

PremierNaps · 25/12/2019 11:03

Stop being such a bloody matyr! I do everything in the house, I don't know where to start. Ask your DH to help! Party food if it wasn't on the list to be fair I wouldn't have got it either. We've all made mistakes. If he has gotten you nice things before then surely a one off isn't all that bad. If he has form for shit gift giving then fair enough.

Didiusfalco · 25/12/2019 11:07

I’m so sorry. It’s not the pyjamas, it’s all the other shit you’re dealing with. Me and dh are stressed about a different (less serious) issue to you and we ended up screaming at each other about something utterly trivial the other day. Sometimes a small thing is just the final straw Flowers

Tistheseason17 · 25/12/2019 11:13

If he's not thinking of you and helping you now and is generally like this - what is he going to be like when you do have children??

Is this really the man for you for the rest of your life??? Don't you want better for your whole life?

Original poster
whatthedeckthehalls · 25/12/2019 11:18

Thanks everyone

We have had a big chat, he had a bit of a breakdown and admitted that he's been really struggling lately and he just switched off. It's a horrible time of year for both of us as we lost our son this time last year. We are both struggling but deal with things differently. He said he just wrapped the new bottoms that arrived on autopilot and didn't even check that they were the right ones.

We had a hug and a cry and have said in the new year we will look into some couples therapy, he's such a kind man but just has a "switch off" mode which isn't always helpful... although I'm slightly jealous because I can never switch off!

OP posts:
90schic · 25/12/2019 11:26

Another thread about an adult (another female) who isn’t happy with their presents ... isn’t Christmas supposed to be about family and Christmas spirit not bloody gifts Confused

AliasGrape · 25/12/2019 11:42

@90schic maybe read the thread before sneering at the OP, clearly this wasn’t really about the gift.

OP I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time. Please try to relax as much as you can today. It’s not your job to make everything special for everyone else at your own expense xxx

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 25/12/2019 11:56

It's not the pyjamas as such just the lack of effort and thought.

THIS is the crux of the matter - this would have upset me, too.

The fact that you can tell someone in detail what you want and even more importantly what you don't want. It is upsetting - you are grieving because you are having difficulties conceiving a child. It may not be uppermost in your thoughts, but it is an underlying pain to your whole life. Then he does this and doesn't even say "I'm so sorry - I cocked up. I'll sort it after Christmas, but tries to pretend that it was what you asked for.

Yes - it's upsetting. You are entitled to be upset. I think most of us would - even all of those who are saying they wouldn't and you are being a miserable ole sod!

There was very nearly carnage in this house today, as I was up at 6.30.veggie-ing, table-setting etc and then took the dogs for a two-hour walk so they wouldn't be a total PITA when we were trying to have out dinner. before I left the house (at 7.30) I asked DH to switch the boiler on so there was hot water when I got in and I could have a lovely long soak in the bath.

He didn't, The lazy bastard apparently forgot - tough he admits he went to the toilet and got up, but then went straight back to bed. My lovely soak became a shower as there was no hot water. It boiled (sorry, it's Xmas) - it mulled my piss - and that isn't a quarter as bad as whit your DH has done, and it took me a lot of deep breaths and two sherries (fuck the sun being over the yardarm) before I could speak civilly to him.

Ask him to change your 'jamas after Christmas - put it behind you - but YANBU for being upset.

I would be upset. Most of s, I think would be upset. But remember that you in particular are very raw because of your circumstances. Let it go, if you possibly can, and enjoy Christmas.

Flowers
DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 25/12/2019 12:00

I'm sorry - I've just read that you lost your son - I can't even begin to imagine your grief. My heart aches for you both. It is beyond dreadful.

No the wonder neither of you knows whether you are coming or going.

Look after each other - and share your pain if you can - don't hug it too yourself and try to work through it - it won't work.

I will hold you both in my prayers - you may not believe in God, I know, but I do, and I will hold you in my heart.

KurriKurri · 25/12/2019 13:41

This must be a dreadfully hard time of year for you both, I'm so glad you have had a chat and a cry together. Be kind to yourselves and enjoy the rest of your day x.

Dontdisturbmenow · 25/12/2019 14:03

However sad it made you, it enabled that discussion, closeness, and agreement to seek therapy, so all in all, maybe it turned out to be the best present he could have got you.

I wish you all the best for the coming year and that next Xmas will be a much better one.

Yetanotherwinter · 25/12/2019 14:20

@Timberoo bitter much? What a ridiculous sweeping statement.

Tistheseason17 · 25/12/2019 17:23

Just seen your update.
This makes total sense.
Sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking 💐

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 25/12/2019 17:32

Sending hugs.

DragonUdders · 25/12/2019 17:55

Am I the only one thinking he didn't actually change the bottoms?

smemorata · 25/12/2019 18:02

I get you OP. My dh asked what I wanted for Christmas shes ago and I told him - was relieved as he is awful at getting presents. Of course he didn't get anything I asked for. He got something from a shop "I was talking about " - yeah to tell him how I don't like anything in it anymore!!

smemorata · 25/12/2019 18:04

Just caught up properly. I'm so sorry.

Steenac72 · 25/12/2019 18:24

Three Christmas ago my DH bought me a selection of gifts from the pound shop including a packet of batteries after I’d carefully picked and wrapped his gifts. I was very upset and told him that it showed a complete lack of respect for me to put on so little effort - if he couldn’t think of anything to get them to go to boots or a jewellers. The past two years he’s gotten me brilliant presents. He knows now how much it means to me to get a thoughtful gift. We are also going through ivf and last Christmas was my DH first after losing his second parent. It’s no excuse. If anything this year we’ve made more effort with gifts for each other as we are having a hard time.

EKGEMS · 25/12/2019 18:39

Ponoka "Are you usually this controlling?" Are you usually this bitchy?

thecatsarecrazy · 25/12/2019 19:08

My DH asked what I wanted for Christmas. The only thing I wanted was a new nightdress. I have about 5 black ones and my others are getting tatty. He handed me one this morning. Black wrong size and clearly marked long. It literally touches the floor on my me. I couldn't help but feel pissed off. I did everything towards Christmas and the only thing I would have liked he put no thought into. I said why did you buy that? It's not even my size?

Havaina · 25/12/2019 19:16

You're very right, I particularly go out of my way for his family because otherwise they'd end up with a last minute gift card from the supermarket or something equally thoughtless but that's just going to have to be the way.

Yes, it has to be that way, let him deal with it. If DH asks me for my opinion on something he wants to buy for his mum or sis i'll happily give it, but it's up to him to do the thinking, buying, spwrapping.

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