To expect narcissistic family who you have cut off, to not turn up just because it's Christmas?

[christmascats]

I've name changed as I don't want all my old stories to add up and someone recognise me. I need to rant about this because my RL mates don't need this at Christmas and I need it out of my head!

After many years of horribleness, I went NC with my parents and sister at the start of this year. Every story I've ever posted, MN have told me to go NC, as well as in RL. I knew it was what was needed but just took me ages to get over it. Anyway.

Last night, 8pm. DC and I watching TV. All dark and chilled. There was hammering on my door and we ignored it. Wasn’t expecting anyone. Didn’t recognise the car outside. After aggges of hammering they drove off.

Then DM text DD and said your presents are outside so we looked out and they weren’t so DS said he’d go and look outside. DM jumped out from behind my car and tried to run into my house! Actually trying the handle and screaming as I was trying to lock it.

Then she starts screaming through the letterbox and waving her arms through it shouting about needing to see the DC at Christmas, I can't stop her blah blah. I ended up screaming that I was calling the police and she left.

Then she leaves DD a voicemail saying tried to deliver your presents but your mum says you aren't allowed any but you are, so come around and get then whenever you like.

I mean, what kind of Jeremy Kyle shit is this?!

There's no way I would open my door either to some crazy batshit person.
She's off her rocker and you need to get some extra security.
Ring door bell as pps suggested is a good idea.

I didn't know it was her at my door at first. It was just a stranger in the dark, in a car I've never seen before. So even with a doorbell, I wouldn't have answered. It's just how I am.

This level of aggression means that a word with a solicitor might be a good idea - getting a letter to them stating that you do not want contact of any kind and if they try to make contact, the police will be informed.

(Someone will undoubtedly be along to bleat 'But they're faaaaaaamly' in a minute, but just ignore.You have every right to cut contact with tiresome people.)

Christ

Block your mothers number from your dds phone. Gosh, I can see why you’re nc.

Wow - how shocking and scary.

I'm NC with my Mum and sister and I would also be terrified if they showed up and did this. NC is the last resort and no one does it without careful consideration.
Your DM's behaviour shows you made the right decision.

The only thing you did wrong is not call the police

Very well handled. They sound as mad as a box of frogs.

Why would you not answer the door when someone is hammering on it, just because you weren't expecting anyone? That alone makes you sound a bit odd.

Utter cobblers. I wouldn't answer the door at night were I not expecting anyone either. That's just plain safety-consciousness and common sense.

As for this scenario, hammering incessantly on the door when it's clear no one is answering is odd enough on its own. Using trickery to gain forced entry when it's been made crystal clear you are not welcome is off-the-scale odd into batshit crazy (and intimidating and threatening) territory. Not to mention criminal behaviour.

Someone's odd-meter needs resetting, I think ...

Too damn bad you couldn't unleash a Doberman on her

Allideas Go to bed dear and maybe Santa will bring you common sense for Christmas

YADNBU, OP. All power to you.

And for those wondering why the OP wouldn't answer the door ... I'd suggest that growing up in a family like that makes you all the more wary about being encroached/barged in on.

OP.

Christmascats, that's a horrible experience. No wonder you spent the rest of what should have been a happy, quiet evening feeling tense and anxious. I thought my mother and sister took the prize but even they haven't yet resorted to that level of crazy behaviour.

You did just fine. I would have done exactly the same. Thank God your DC came to the same conclusion as you and made the decision to go NC too but, yes, it would be a good idea to discuss with them about ways to strengthen those necessary boundaries.

When I read your post - apart from feeling utter sympathy for you - my first thought was "extinction burst". It's a known response from families like yours and mine. I'm sorry to tell you this, but it's best to be prepared so you can deal with it. I went through it a little while ago and the upside is that things do calm down afterwards.

I am sending you all my hopes and best wishes for a peaceful Christmas. 💐

I'd like to know the back story before I'll say whether or not YABU.

I can't imagine a back story that would make barging into someone's house and screaming through the letterbox at them a reasonable thing to do.

Explain to DCs that if GM wanted them to have presents she would have left them on the doorstep without a fuss, not trying to manipulate them with visits.

Her friend is batshit too, who hammers on a door expecting any sane person to answer.

I think you handled it as best you could. What else could you have done? Do you feel you need to talk to your DC about what happened or is it all settled in their heads as 'Gran's crazy' or whatever? And why on earth would ANYBODY open the door to hammering unless the person also announced themselves.

Is there any way you and your DC could do a 'reboot' and plan a second night of movies and Xmas food (maybe Boxing Day evening) to 'banish' the memory.

I'm sorry that happened. Families can be true heaven or the very shit.

BTW, I suggest you get a Ring Doorbell or a Ring Camera for the front door. They're wonderful. The one we have (US) is battery powered (so no wiring) and was extremely easy to install and set up. They aren't cheap but they are so worth it!

A backstory that's far too long, but where every story posted is met with Mumsnet saying unanimously to go NC says it all really. As does last night.

Wow. Typical narc behaviour trying to get to you through your dc. Really disgusting
Thank god my NC DM is is always too drunk to pull anything like this . I’d deffo try and get get some sort of restraining order

@AllideasAndNoAction sadly it’s common for entire families to be like this. Often people with personality disorders end up married to each other because no one will have them or because they find the similarity attractive. Obviously children learn a lot of their behaviours from their parents.

"Why would you not answer the door when someone is hammering on it, just because you weren't expecting anyone? That alone makes you sound a bit odd."
Not if you are alone in your house with your children. I wouldnt answer immediately in those circumstances either. I would go upstairs and try and see who it was first .

We recently installed a ring, specifically because we were anticipating a kickoff from my narc mother. So i get not answering the door.

Worth considering if you have a garden/drive - you can set it to pick up motion so it would have alerted you to her as she went behind the car most likely.

And it's perfectly possible to have multiple shithead relatives, I'm NC with sibling and mother because her nuttiness has a genetic component

Well actually yes you can stop her seeing you dc, you are there mother and you decide who is in there life. Granny rights don’t exist 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d block her number on your children’s phones or change the numbers if I had too.

Quite frankly the women sounds unhinged. Don’t let it ruin your Christmas

Why would you not answer the door when someone is hammering on it, just because you weren't expecting anyone? That alone makes you sound a bit odd Umm no not odd. I mean where I live my neighbours are fields away, once it’s dark I don’t answer my door unless someone has texted to say they are coming over. And I certainly wouldn’t answer anyone “hammering” on my door, most people knock and wait don’t they

I look out my window I never open the door without checking always have done 🤷‍♀️

This is really weird and desperate behaviour. The only thing that occurs is whether when you went NC OP, did you inform them of it, or just do it, so they may not be aware of your intentions to not meet again? If the latter they probably thought Christmas was the one time they might see you and your family, so maybe its a matter of unclear communication about NC?

And yes, tell your DC that it's perfectly acceptable to block Gran's number on their phones. Ditto any flying monkeys.