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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving kids home alone

68 replies

eggnogged · 24/12/2019 09:52

Probably ABU. Have lost perspective... Is it ok to leave DCs - 10 & 12 (both under the weather with colds) for 1.5/2 hours to go to the gym? It's DH who's left them. I'm at work (a long way from home). He won't be contactable. They will probably stare at their screens I know. I know... I just don't like it. But I think that's probably because things have been difficult recently. He's disengaged and gets mad with them for little things. I know that other people will probably see things differently. It would just be helpful to know what people in less dysfunctional families do...

OP posts:

sameasiteverwasantiques · 24/12/2019 10:14

If they get on and are responsible then I most likely would.

Tattooedmama · 24/12/2019 10:20

It depends on the child and how mature they are, if they can be responsible not to answer the door to strangers, how to contact someone in an emergency and of course if the siblings get along.
I leave my 12 year old but hes very responsible and mature, knows how to cook and has his mobile phone if he needs me

Original poster

eggnogged · 24/12/2019 10:44

Thanks for not flaming me as an overprotective mother! (Which I think I can be...)

You're right @SweetMarmalade - the wider issues are colouring how I'm feeling, which is why I came on here.

The DCs are sensible but do fight sometimes, so it could kick off. DH didn't discuss his plan with me so I couldn't make any suggestions about contacts etc. I very much doubt he talked them through what to do if there was an emergency - and he's not contactable because he'll have put his phone in his locker.

I'd be more comfortable if it was just the 12 year old - she is on her own at home for an hour or so sometimes. But I would always make sure I'm contactable.

I think it's the fact he isn't, that he hasn't made any arrangements for someone else to be contactable - and the fact they're together which means a) they could fight and b) the 12 yo is "responsible" for the 10 yo. He didn't discuss it with me and would have told them what was happening rather than asked if they were OK with it.

OP posts:

Yellowcar2 · 24/12/2019 10:47

Normally I'd say at that age is fine. But I think it's a bit mean to leave them if they are unwell for something like the gym.

user1471517900 · 24/12/2019 10:49

Do they have blueprints of various traps they can lay in case of bungling burglars?

RedskyAtnight · 24/12/2019 10:52

Maybe this is a good opportunity to think about how the DC can build up more independence and to discuss with them some "what if" scenarios.

If the 10 year old is in Year 6, he'll soon be at secondary school and it is very common for secondary school children to be alone at home after school and in holidays.

RedskyAtnight · 24/12/2019 10:53

I'm guessing DH might want to get to the gym today because it shuts early today and is then shut/has reduced hours over Christmas?

CactusAndCacti · 24/12/2019 10:55

Yes I would.

DropZoneOne · 24/12/2019 10:58

I think that's fine. DD is 11 and left alone for up to two hours after school. And when she was 10, we'd leave her for an hour or so to run errands. She was pretty much glued to a screen, the only calls i would get would be to ask for food!

If you're worried, call home every 30 minutes to check they are ok and haven't eaten all the christmas chocolate

Wildorchidz · 24/12/2019 10:59

He's disengaged and gets mad with them for little things.

They are probably happier without him.
Can you discuss his issues with him?

AdriannaP · 24/12/2019 11:00

Of course that’s fine! Seriously how will your kids grow up to be responsible if you can’t leave them alone for 2 hours with 12!!

adaline · 24/12/2019 11:00

I don't see a problem.

PineappleDanish · 24/12/2019 11:04

Assuming there is no particular reason why they can't be left because of special needs or illness, children of those ages will be fine by themselves for 90 minutes.

goodwinter · 24/12/2019 11:14

Why has he put his phone in his locker? I don't see any issue with leaving kids alone at that age, but he needs to have his phone on him just in case!

1300cakes · 24/12/2019 11:22

I would think they'd be fine. They probably won't even look up from screens the whole time to realise he's gone.

WaterSheep · 24/12/2019 11:35

You say he didn't discuss his plan with you, how did you learn he has gone to the gym and left them home alone?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 24/12/2019 11:37

I'd guess they'd be ok but the not being contactable part I wouldn't like.

DS1 is 14 and stays home whenever he needs to. Generally I don't worry about him but this week we've taken DS2 out and left DS1 home as he's not well, but asked the neighbours (who we're good friends with) to stick their head in and check on him. We do the same for them when their DC are off; it's always a little different when they're unwell.

BlueJava · 24/12/2019 11:39

I think it's fine - I appreciate that these days everyone feels they have to be contactble, but before mobile phones we never used to be this way. A couple of hours is not an issue in my view.

ConfCall · 24/12/2019 11:41

It’s perfectly fine.

What is not fine, is being uncontactable. That’s irresponsible. He should have left them with the landline number of the gym if he really couldn’t bear to keep his phone on him.

Your post implies that his attitude in general is poor, though. That definitely needs addressing.

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 24/12/2019 11:42

Well he doesn't need to put his bloody phone in his locker, does he?
I would leave them separately but not together, if they were mine, as WWIII would likely break out.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 24/12/2019 11:43

I think fine, as long as sensible plans are made - kids knowing when you'll be back, who to call, how to get out in an emergency, your own rules on answering the door/phone/cooking/making hots drinks.

Perhaps controversially, I think it's more neglectful not to start to leave 10yos for short periods (building up from just a few minutes), so they can start to get use to a bit of independence before it's forced upon them in Yr7.

MegBusset · 24/12/2019 11:49

I think fine to leave them, mine are the same age and have been left for a couple of hours at a time while I go shopping, or whatever. But yes they need to know what to do in case of emergency - neighbour to call on, etc, not to open door/ answer phone, which parent to contact.

I'm sure they'll be fine today, presumably they can call your mobile? But next time would get DH to keep his phone with him in the gym - unless he's swimming I don't see why he wouldn't have it.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/12/2019 11:51

I fully hope to be able to leave mine for a couple of hours by 10&12. However if they haven't been prepared for it, it's a bit unwise. Preteens and teenagers can be prone to doing silly things, so need to know how to get themselves out of trouble if they get into trouble. Having a list of emergency contacts is one of those mechanisms.

If they are happy to be left work on making sure they are safe to be left.

Natsku · 24/12/2019 11:56

If they're comfortable being left home alone then it's fine but it's really something that should have been agreed on together by both of you beforehand if it's the first time they've been left alone.

bathsh3ba · 24/12/2019 12:00

I leave my 10 and 12yo for a max of 2 hours but only if I'm in the village and contactable. I would leave the 12yo up to 3 hours and be a car journey away but not the 10yo.

So I think it hinges on if a responsible adult is contactable and could return quickly.

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