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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu... to say nothing and silently dislike them

46 replies

inmyshoos · 23/12/2019 23:06

Been with partner just over a year.
He has 4 dc but 2 are young adults. Recently been introducing our dc, spending some time together.
One of his adult dc recently had a birthday, we made a beautiful cake, he bought expensive champagne and put a generous amount of money in a card and she was too busy to come over to see him and get her gifts. Arranged a few times over a few days but didnt make any of the times. Eventually the cake spoiled and he dropped the other bits off for her to pick up at her leisure. I felt incredibly sad for my partner who was clearly gutted.

His youngest dd is 12, i have dd 11 and 13.
I have tried really hard with her, understand its difficult for the dc. But she is so rude and cocky. My dd was with her in her room with her friends and when her friend asked if she thinks one of her presents under the tree is airpods she said well it fucking better be. Same night she was trying to make my dd11 message someone to ask her something completely inappropriate (sexual thing my dd wouldn't have known and im pretty open with them) and got all stroppy with her when she refused telling her the girl is a bitch and she doesn't know my dd anyway.. haven't told partner any of this. He would be gutted and he already struggles with Christmas and being away from his dc. She told her dad to fuck off and get out her room on the same weekend.

Im finding it so hard to like her. The other dd ive never actually met, she seems to have no interest in her dad. It's really sad to see. Even my Dds say how attentive and caring dp is as a father and remark that his dd is so rude to him.

Aibu just staying silent or is it the only way forward.....is it even possible to have a relationship with someone if you dont like their dc...

OP posts:

mediumbrownmug · 23/12/2019 23:15

Blending families can be hard, but this is really between the DC and their father, insofar as their relationship dynamics. I wouldn’t permit swearing at/in front of DD11, for obvious reasons. I’m sorry, OP, and hope you have a lovely Christmas.

TheClausSeason · 23/12/2019 23:21

I dunno, OP. Children's behaviour doesn't happen in a vacuum. There may well be a backstory you are unaware of, given that all DC of a variety of ages appear to dislike their father.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 23/12/2019 23:21

Thanks for responding medium I'm less concerned about the swearing and more about the subtle bullying behaviour towards dd11. The chat was completely inappropriate and i know dp would not be happy about it. But it's not my place to tell him how i think he should parent.
He doesn't seem able to discipline her. Threatened to take her phone, she sat on it and that's when she told him to fuck off.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2019 23:23

It's a tricky situation trying to blend families.

Could there be a bit of different perceptions going on? For example your DC perceive DP as being attentive and caring, but what his kids see is dad paying more care and attention to his new partner's children than them.

There's no easy abswer I'm afraid.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 23/12/2019 23:26

claus absolutely there will be a bigger picture which i have no access to. All i know is what i see now and what ive been told. Dp is extremely gentle and never or rarely says no to his dc, without doubt there is a lack of respect.

OP posts:

Original poster

inmyshoos · 23/12/2019 23:30

Lola there is perhaps some jealousy around dp spending time with myself and my dds bit this was partly why we thought we would start to get them together, so dp doesnt have this other life on the days when his dc are with their mum. He doesn't shower my dds with attention, he is kind and respectful but doesn't over try if that makes sense. He is just himself and polite around them.

OP posts:

TheClausSeason · 23/12/2019 23:32

Dp is extremely gentle and never or rarely says no to his dc, without doubt there is a lack of respect.

Well, respect has to be earned and expected. However, at their ages that ship has probably sailed, so I think just take them as you find them, make sure your kid doesn't get hurt as a result of their antics and leave them to it, largely. Maybe he's always been wonderful and they have just decided they don't need him, maybe he was abusive in the past and the older ones have gone low-contact as a result. As you say, you don't know, so I wouldn't judge them for it.

For example, my grandfather was horrendously physically, verbally and emotionally abusive when my mum was growing up. Absolutely nice as pie when I knew him, as he'd mellowed with age and knew that his kids could now choose not to see him, so he couldn't get away with being horrendous. I never knew him to raise his voice or anything.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2019 23:35

You need to tell him about the bullying. You can’t trust your children together without supervision if his is behaving like this. Wouldn’t you want to know if it was your daughter?! I’m concerned you don’t feel you want to because he wouldn’t be happy about it. Tough shit. He’s a parent no matter how sad he might be and he doesn’t even have the chance to tackle it if he’s not aware. If he is aware and not dealing with it he’s neglectful and you need to protect your child.

Accepting being told to fuck off and choosing not to give consequences - it’s a choice - is awful and your relationship has no future if your parenting (his patent lack of) is so out of sync.

It’s a tough one, meet your partner’s children too soon and you risk bonding with them then breaking up and upsetting the kids, leave it till you’re pretty committed and you risk finding out their parenting style is terrible at which point your attraction to them can shrivel and die.

NoWeAreNotNearlyThereYet · 23/12/2019 23:48

This seems very familiar Op, have you posted about this before?

IceCreamFace · 24/12/2019 00:03

That does sound difficult OP. I do think you need to pass on info that you would want as a parent. I think the frustrating part of being a step parent is you have to suffer through the teen tantrums, get woken up at 1am when they missed the last bus, clean up the dirty footprints they trod through the house etc but you don't really get a say in how they're raised. Often you didn't get the early cute years where you actually grow attached either.

There'sno getting around the fact that it's really hard.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 24/12/2019 00:07

Not posted about the dc in detail no but posted about his 12 yo dd pulling the plug on plans we had made. She always calls the shots.

His parenting is much more gentle than mine. I think partly because he is now apart from them and feels he doesnt want to risk upsetting them and spoiling their relationship. Dp tells me he was constantly undermined by exw and also that the dds behave like she does and so have no respect for him.

Its not just him being not happy about it anne it's more than that. It will send his mh into a downward spiral and tbh id like to get through Christmas without that. He will spend Christmas day mostly alone at home just so his dc can call in whenever they want and despite his claims he is ok with this as long as the kids are happy i know its hard for him.

OP posts:

mediumbrownmug · 24/12/2019 00:09

Bullying can’t be allowed. You are your DD’s mother, long before you were anything at all to your DP. I’d be speaking to him and letting him know what was going on. The conversation, as you say, was inappropriate, and your DD’s feelings matter. Of course you should be sensitive to his and his DC’s dynamic, but in the end it is their dynamic and not yours as you’ve been together for just over a year.

Charlottejbt · 24/12/2019 00:15

The swearing and bullying is completely unacceptable. I wouldn't have these people anywhere near my DCs, however attractive their dad was. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

katy1213 · 24/12/2019 00:49

No, I wouldn't his daughter associating with mine or disrupting their home. She will not be a good influence. Leave him to sort out his own problems and don't bring them into your home.

WildChristmas · 24/12/2019 01:01

I think your main thing is to protect your own kids and set the tone in your house and not let the atmosphere be spoiled. Maybe forget whether you like her or not, she’s a child and you are the adult - you are responsible for making sure the home is healthy and happy. Anyone who messes with that, gets pulled up.

I’d make sure her Dad knows though about the text messages. His feelings, your feelings, they don’t matter tbh it’s the kids wellbeing. If you come at everything from this angle you might lost some of thr angst and gain more solid grounding in being a parental figure, step or your own child.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 24/12/2019 01:49

I don't see this relationship going anywhere (as in living together or marriage). He's not going to change. His DDs are not going to change. Would you really want to put your DDs in a situation of living with them? And even when they're all adults, it's never going to be pleasant for them to be around his DDs. And do you really want to get financially mixed up with a man who can't say 'no' to his children? Even with separate finances, it's likely to put a strain on joint expenses unless one or both of you are independently wealthy!

If you'd be happy with keeping the children out of the relationship (as in seeing each other when his DDs aren't around) then fine, keep seeing him. But if you want something more, then cut bait and fish in a new pond.

ZenNudist · 24/12/2019 02:30

Ditch him. This situation is toxic for your dc. And its not great for his.

I think hes reaping what he sowed with his own dc. No wonder his adult dd is telling her dad what shd thinks of him by staying away. It's likely he's been a crappy parent to her and now hes cozying up to your dds trying for a do over.

Teenage behaviour is awful in a non blended family. You need to be with someone who takes a disciplined line with his dc, like you do with yours. This has got hard work written all over it. You wont be able to make up for a situation that's not your fault and it will sadly make it worse for everyone thats not you and your dp. If you are a selfish person crack on, otherwise give up now for your dds sake.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2019 02:45

He raised them and he's mismanaging the situation now. Don't blame the children. If you can't get on with someone's children then the relationship isn't for you.

finn1020 · 24/12/2019 03:00

His kids wouldn’t have suddenly changed their behaviour towards him in the time you’ve known him. Their behaviour is based on how he’s treated then throughout their lives. If they have no respect for him it would not be because the ex has warped them against him.

At best he may not have been much involved in their lives in a day to day basis but now finds it much easier to be an occasional dad to them and yours. His kids at also be wondering why he’s different with your kids than he was with them. Pretty common really.

absopugginglutely · 24/12/2019 03:20

I don’t like my DH’s DD but as long as I can be civil and not unkind then it’s fine.
It does kind of spoil the weekend when she’s at ours though but I love DH enough to put up with it.
If I were to have my time again I would Never have got together with someone who had a child.

user137473 · 24/12/2019 03:25

Its too much of a coincidence that older DD didn't come round for her gifts and 12 year old has no respect for him. If he is blaming their behaviour on his exes personality, that is a major red flag. I'm sorry but I expect he is not showing you his true colours.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2019 03:29

It does kind of spoil the weekend when she’s at ours though but I love DH enough to put up with it.

I cannot fathom how anyone lives their life like this. I hope the DD in question is 20 not 12.

Bluerussian · 24/12/2019 04:23

It is a difficult and rather sad situation but quite honestly, inmyshoos, there's nothing you can do except be pleasant if and when you do see husband's children and be supportive of him. The relationship could change for the better over the years. Let's hope for that, in the meantime just get on with your lives - and do try to enjoy what life brings you.

Tryalittletenderness · 24/12/2019 04:38

I wouldn’t expose my children to that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/12/2019 05:32

I have said YABU to stay silent. But could equally have voted YANBU to it not being possible to have a relationship with a man with children you don’t like.

It is your responsibility to protect your kids first and foremost and that may involve disciplining his 12 yo.

Your dp needs to be made aware of what happened. No one is keeping the 12 yo safe. If she is suggesting an 11 yo does something inappropriate, she is in danger of doing it herself. If he won’t take it seriously, perhaps you need to tell the school if it is a safeguarding issue.

I also don’t think you should have your children together again. If that means ending the relationship so be it unfortunately.

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