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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu... to say nothing and silently dislike them

46 replies

inmyshoos · 23/12/2019 23:06

Been with partner just over a year.
He has 4 dc but 2 are young adults. Recently been introducing our dc, spending some time together.
One of his adult dc recently had a birthday, we made a beautiful cake, he bought expensive champagne and put a generous amount of money in a card and she was too busy to come over to see him and get her gifts. Arranged a few times over a few days but didnt make any of the times. Eventually the cake spoiled and he dropped the other bits off for her to pick up at her leisure. I felt incredibly sad for my partner who was clearly gutted.

His youngest dd is 12, i have dd 11 and 13.
I have tried really hard with her, understand its difficult for the dc. But she is so rude and cocky. My dd was with her in her room with her friends and when her friend asked if she thinks one of her presents under the tree is airpods she said well it fucking better be. Same night she was trying to make my dd11 message someone to ask her something completely inappropriate (sexual thing my dd wouldn't have known and im pretty open with them) and got all stroppy with her when she refused telling her the girl is a bitch and she doesn't know my dd anyway.. haven't told partner any of this. He would be gutted and he already struggles with Christmas and being away from his dc. She told her dad to fuck off and get out her room on the same weekend.

Im finding it so hard to like her. The other dd ive never actually met, she seems to have no interest in her dad. It's really sad to see. Even my Dds say how attentive and caring dp is as a father and remark that his dd is so rude to him.

Aibu just staying silent or is it the only way forward.....is it even possible to have a relationship with someone if you dont like their dc...

OP posts:

NearlyGranny · 24/12/2019 05:51

That child is going to prove difficult to warm to! If your relationship becomes permanent and you share a roof, those children will probably be regular weekend and holiday visitors. You will find yourself lower on the respect scale than your DP and your DDs lower still.

Are you up for a decade or so of that? Your DP isn't disciplining them so they sure as heck won't take it from you!

It's sad, but he might be better off single or with someone childless, just so there are no other children for his to bully or corrupt.

Nanny0gg · 24/12/2019 06:00

You only talk about 2 dd.

What about his other two children?

Creameggcountdown · 24/12/2019 06:42

You’ve only been together just over a year and you already live together?
Isn’t that a bit soon to be blending families together.

Elfnsafe1y · 24/12/2019 07:04

Imv DCs can be angry over parents splitting and as their DF is acting frail and needy he is getting the brunt of their anger and disappointment. Who wants to spend time with someone like DP?
He needs to not move in with you and make his life full and happy, made happier by the presence of his DCs on occasion. His new partner buying cakes etc for their birthday won't cut it.
He sounds like a victim - his life ruined by a cruel ex and selfish DCs. What he needs imv is to be someone who is dynamic and fun as an individual that they then choose to be with. Not someone you and your DCs are describing as 'kind', being kind to his step DCs and new partner isn't cutting it.

funnylittlefloozie · 24/12/2019 07:28

You dont have to (& shouldnt ) do the disciplining. You tell your DP, calmly and sensibly, what has been happening, and tell him that you expect him to deal with it. No more Disney Dad. The kids wont walk away from him, they like his money too much. He cant change how they feel, deep down, but he can change how they behave towards him.

MakeItRain · 24/12/2019 07:57

Your first thought needs to be to protect your own dd. I wouldn't be in any hurry to get the children together again, if at all. Why expose your dd to that. Keep them out of her life if you want to carry on seeing your dp. She shouldn't have to put up with being bullied in her own home. Especially if none of the adults seem inclined to do anything much about it.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 24/12/2019 08:04

Just to answer a few things...

We dont live together. This happened in dps house. We were there having dinner.
My dd is ok. She told me what had been going on and I've given her appropriate advice. It's behaviour she will no doubt encounter again from dps dd but also elsewhere and im proud of how she handled it.
Dp isn't a bad guy. He might not be perfect but he is a good dad, he cares about his dc, he has them on a regular basis and never lets them down.

Im not going to end the relationship over this. She's a 12 yo. But no doubt in time this will need some discussion. Christmas isn't an ideal time.

Im wondering what how his dd will react when there are no airpods. Perhaps he will see the extent of her rudeness.... perhaps she will surprise us. Time will tell i guess.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 24/12/2019 10:30

So where are the other two DC in this?

Troels · 24/12/2019 10:38

I wouldn't allow his Dd alone with mine at all with her behaviour. Not sure I'd even want to continue the relationship actually.
Also make sure your Dd hasn't accepted her on any social media and has her number blocked. If she's this blatent and bullying to her face, god knows how nasty she could be at the other end of a phone.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 24/12/2019 10:46

I understand he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with her, but he's a parent and needs to start acting like one. I wouldn't be getting the girls together again for some time. It's not going to work.

Bluerussian · 24/12/2019 23:10

I'm very glad you aren't living with your partner. You don't have to see his daughter often if you don't feel comfortable with her and your daughter definitely doesn't. Scale down the joint events.

The girl obviously likes showing off and striking a pose - not that unusual. Hopefully she will outgrow that but it's not your problem, you have to protect your own.

magoria · 24/12/2019 23:46

Put your own DC first.

They are being bullied, subjected to inappropriate sexual messages plus the shitty atmosphere.

No man is worth subjecting your child to that for. Protect them.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 25/12/2019 13:33

I think you need to ask yourself; if DD had brought home a friend who asked her to do the same thing your DP's DD did, if your DD had a friend who spoke so rudely and was so selfish, would you really want your DD around such a 'friend'? Would you encourage such a friendship? I highly doubt it. So why would you expose your DD to this girl, perhaps on a regular or semi-regular basis? Your DD seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders, but she still doesn't need to be put in situations where she is asked to do something she knows is wrong and then has to argue her way out of it.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 25/12/2019 13:38

He might come across as the perfect dad now, especially to you/your kids but that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t an awful dad to them in the past. Probably why the adults don’t bother with him

missyB1 · 25/12/2019 13:42

You say your dd is ok, will she feel ok about having to put up that kind of spitefulness and drama queen behaviour on a regular basis?
You and your dp will need to have a very honest and potentially painful conversation about boundaries.

madcatladyforever · 25/12/2019 13:48

Unfortunately divorce usually means you can't play happy families any more. Mt DS won't speak to his father at all because he treated me so badly and is still upset about everything aged 40.
I don't know what happened with your DH but even a civilised divorce can break a family.

crochetandshit · 25/12/2019 13:50

I'd be attempting to blend fuck all with a man who allows himself to be told to fuck off by a 12yo in case he upsets her!
How you can say he is a good dad is honestly beyond me.
Be with him if you want, but I wouldn't have my children around his again.

Dontdisturbmenow · 25/12/2019 13:52

There's the then and now. You think he is a great father, and he might be acting like one now, for your benefit, but you don't really know what dad he has been in the past. My ex was also an amazing dad in front of his new partner for quite some time, it's only when they had a child together than she realised he was quite happy to take a background position rather than being fully involved. He might have always been a great dad or he might not have been. You don't know and you don't know how, if indeed he hasn't been the great dad he appears to be now, it would have impacted on how his girls act now.

Regardless of the then, it's the now you are dealing with. Don't expect things to change or get better, certainly not right away. How do you feel sharing your life with him and managing to keep away from his relationship with his kids? Because it's likely to be the only way you'll make it work as a couple. The more you get involved, in any way, the more you'll feel entitled to have a say, and that he might not respond so we'll too, and the girls even less.

Ellisandra · 25/12/2019 13:56

You need to reverse up and stop trying to get your children to spend time together for your own needs - whatever they are.

You don’t live together. Why is he spending his limited time with his children, sharing that time with yours?

His relationship with the 12yo has more chance of improving if she’s spending time with him and not with your 11yo.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 25/12/2019 14:21

And he's not a great father. Because a truly great father sets an example of high standards for his children. And he expects and sees this children keep those standards themselves. A truly lousy father lets his children walk all over him and others and does nothing about it.

So no, not a great dad at all.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 25/12/2019 14:21

this=that his

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