Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fairness among siblings/step siblings, aibu?

56 replies

User17735356 · 23/12/2019 18:39

I have 2 DC (11, 14) DP has one (5) who comes for some holidays and we have one together (3).

I try to make things as fair as possible. Today for example. DC (11) was playing with our neighbour in the garden. DP said he was going to take the others for a burger and to soft play. I said DC 11 might want to come and that he’d be upset if he hadn’t been given the choice. DP said he was already busy and that it was fair not to take/ask him.

This evening my dads asked to take both older DC to the cinema next week. It’s a 12a so he’s not taking DP’s 5 year old. DP has said that I should take his DC (5) to the cinema too as I’m all about fairness and that he’ll take our 3 year old to the park. I said can’t the little ones both go to the park or play barn and he said no, she needs to go to the cinema too and that I’m a hypocrite.

Aibu?

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 23/12/2019 19:17

Well surely the 11yo is too old for soft play. There’s quite an age variance between the kids - shouldn’t it be more a case of balancing things out rather than having to do the same things.

Some of the kids went to soft play/burger today, cinema next week for oldest two. Second eldest doing well with both but I’m sure it ŵill balance out.

Maybe you could have done something with the eldest today after he finished playing with his friend - out for a burger yourselves, a trip to local cafe or whatever.

Original poster
User17735356 · 23/12/2019 19:23

It was more that if everyone had gone for a burger they should have asked if he wanted to come. DP is saying it’s the same for his DC, that she would want to go to the cinema.

OP posts:
Original poster
User17735356 · 23/12/2019 19:24

He says this is a prime example of my unreasonableness

OP posts:
Original poster
User17735356 · 23/12/2019 19:24

And hypocrisy

OP posts:
BackforGood · 23/12/2019 19:25

He needs to learn that treating everybody fairly is not the same things as treating them the same.

Original poster
User17735356 · 23/12/2019 19:30

Is it controlling behaviour?

OP posts:
Grumpos · 23/12/2019 19:34

Well he sounds an absolute treat.
So you’re an unreasonable hypocrite who treats his DC differently? You have to wonder what he’s seeing in you tbh???

I cba with this shit, my partner has his own kids and we have one. They are treated differently because his aren’t always here, they get treated plenty when they come and they do nice things at home with their own mum.

Simply bc it’s Xmas and it’d be shit to ruin it for kids over an argument I’d reach out and say “ok let’s agree going forward we will try and be considerate to all kids, we agree there may be times where one or two of them don’t get to be part of something the others are doing - But that we will never purposefully leave them out and we’ll always try to keep things equal” then apologise to each other and let it go.
I would only do that because it’s the season of good Will. But next time, he’d be getting told to get to fuck with the childish behaviour

mrsm43s · 23/12/2019 19:37

Expecting the 11 year old to be invited to soft play is just as unreasonable as expecting the 5 year old to be included in the older DCs cinema trip. I presume he's putting his foot down to make a point.

You were absolutely ridiculous to insist that the 11 year be invited to soft play and a burger with the little ones. When applying the same set of criteria that you used, then yes, the 5 year old should be included in the cinema trip. Of course, both are absolutely ridiculous, and its reasonable for the older two to do different things to the younger ones because of the age difference.

He's making a point by being as ridiculous as you were being, surely you can see that?

Tinty · 23/12/2019 19:38

Did he take the 14 year old to soft play?

Original poster
User17735356 · 23/12/2019 19:41

Yes 14 year old went to soft play as wanted a burger. 11 year old usually goes to soft play ( is that weird?).

OP posts:
Tinty · 23/12/2019 19:43

No not weird I was just trying to work out if he had taken any of the older dcs. 11 year olds are great babysitters of younger DC in soft play Xmas Grin

Tinty · 23/12/2019 19:45

I think you could take 5 year old dd to the cinema as a special treat and he can take 3 year old Dc to the park. It is Christmas after all and it would make 5 yr old feel special and make DP happy. Xmas Smile

Mrshue · 23/12/2019 19:49

I don’t understand

How does he think a 5 yr old will get into a 12 film? It’s not his choice.

Winterdaysarehere · 23/12/2019 19:49

I agree no dc in the bedroom and def not helping wrap gifts!!
I have 6 dc at home. We do different things with different age dc. Not because they have different df's just due to ages.
18, 15, 14, 12, 11 and 5.

mrsm43s · 23/12/2019 19:54

Can you not see that the same logic of:

The 11 year old shouldn't be left out of a trip to soft play and a burger, as he likes getting a burger even though he's far too old for soft play (seriously, I've not known any child go beyond infant age, let alone at (near) secondary age!)

and

The 5 year old shouldn't be left out of a cinema trip, because she likes going to the cinema, even though she''s too young for the specific film that the older children are seeing.

The 5 year old will be sad to miss out on a cinema trip in the same way that the 11 year might have been sad to miss out on a burger.

TBH, its Christmas. Can you really not find it in you to take the 5 year old to the cinema to see an age appropriate film? It would be a lovely thing for the two of you to do together. Definitely much more of a treat than a trip to the park.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 23/12/2019 19:55

Expecting the 11 year old to be invited to soft play is just as unreasonable as expecting the 5 year old to be included in the older DCs cinema trip. I presume he's putting his foot down to make a point. I agree with this tbh. From the ages I'd say the 14 and 11yo will end up doing the same things and the 5 and 3 year old will end up doing the same things.

But then you say the 14yo went as he wanted a burger so did your husband invite everyone other than the 11yo?

Original poster
User17735356 · 23/12/2019 19:57

I’ve just said I’ll take her to the cinema. I’d like to take her, it’s more his fucking attitude today 😒

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 23/12/2019 19:59

In our house we have long accepted we can't all do everything or we'd do nothing. So sometimes it's all sometimes it's not.
As for not being in your bedroom I agree. All children are banned from our room unless unwell, Christmas morning. His dd isn't mine and I want some privacy, my dds aren't his and he wants some privacy. In short the others should go to the cinema and the little ones not, there will be times when they do and others don't

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 23/12/2019 20:05

I don’t understand this fairness that means the exact same. I think it should be equal treatment but that’s not always like for like. We were always taught sometimes you get things other days your siblings do.

mrsm43s · 23/12/2019 20:06

I’ve just said I’ll take her to the cinema. I’d like to take her,

That's lovely, I hope you have a great time :)

it’s more his fucking attitude today 😒

You need to let this blow over, and then, after Christmas, discuss it calmly. The sensible solution is that, generally ,there's a split between the eldest two and the youngest two because of what is age appropriate. Basically, you're both looking out for your own children - that's a perfectly natural and reasonable thing to do. You're on the same side - don't let this turn into an ongoing fight.

OlaEliza · 23/12/2019 20:14

I see his point, but why the fuck would you not offer all kids a happy meal if they are all there? There's something very off about that.

MadeForThis · 23/12/2019 20:15

There's a lot of anger over a fairly normal request - ask 11 yo if he wants to go for a burger.

There must be serious underlying issues and resentment for you both to still be fighting about it hours later.

EKGEMS · 23/12/2019 20:17

Your bedroom isn't a child free zone if your husband has ever been in there! He's a jackass

Mummyshark2018 · 23/12/2019 20:17

I agree with everything @mrsm43s said.

SunshineDays2019 · 23/12/2019 20:29

What the bloody hell is wrong with the 14 year old being in the parents bedroom to help their mum wrap presents?! Sounds like the pillock is spoiling for a fight Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread