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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I Unfriend her? *Trigger warning*

35 replies

smellycatitsnotyourfault · 23/12/2019 18:28

Baby loss details warning, before you read.

I have a facebook "Friend" who is not a real life friend. We met once many years ago and never again, I'm not sure why we added each other, but she shares a lot of her life online.

Last year we both got pregnant at the same time, sadly her baby was born very premature and had a long stay in NICU. I had a healthy full term baby.

The baby did very well, as I said she shared a lot. It's been a few months and baby was shown growing, coming home, teething, laughing. Then devastatingly passed away a couple of days ago.

I cannot imagine the pain the family is going through, or the heartbreak so close to Christmas. It's horrifying.

My question is, it's getting close to Christmas and I have family all over the world, I would like to share pictures of DD on Facebook so they can see, (her under the tree, opening presents, eating dinner etc.). I know people have opinions about pictures online but I'm not asking for that. I feel wrong, showing off my healthy child when she's just lost hers. Especially as they should have been born at the same time. This lady has been very active making 'goodbye' posts so I know she's spending a lot of time online at the minute, she has thousands of friends so I doubt she'd even see my posts or notice me Unfriending, but just in case? I'd feel awful.

So I guess:
Yanbu - Unfriend her, she won't want to see your pictures.
Yabu - You'll offend her by Unfriending straight after her loss.

OP posts:
busyweeks78 · 23/12/2019 18:30

You could set the pictures and posts so she can’t see them.

Biancadelrioisback · 23/12/2019 18:30

You can change your privacy settings so you can basically select and audience for your posts (so just close friends/family) or even make a group of people to exclude from posts (so just her or mutual friends). I think it's very nice you are being considerate, but you're not really friends so is there any harm in unfriending her?

MoonlightBonnet · 23/12/2019 18:30

You can share with the posts with ‘friends except’, so just do that.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/12/2019 18:31

Limit what she can see- don’t cut her off, I doubt she’d notice or care but even so

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/12/2019 18:32

Yabu. I was unfriended by people after DH died and it hurt a lot

puds11 · 23/12/2019 18:32

She may have already hidden your feed. I think the only problem could be she may look you up to see your DD if her baby was the same age then see you’ve unfriended her. I’d leave it up to her.

Original poster
smellycatitsnotyourfault · 23/12/2019 18:32

Okay I didn't know that, I'll see if I can figure out how to share except with her.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 23/12/2019 18:33

YABU. Set it so she can't see it.

MumofTinies · 23/12/2019 18:33

I would probably unfriend her in your shoes, you don't really know her so she's unlikely to notice. Unless of course you chat a lot online and comment a lot on her posts in which case I would leave it to her to delete/unfollow you if your pictures upset her.

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2019 18:35

If you unfriend her, chances are she may notice and come to the (correct) conclusion it has something to do with her loss.

I didn’t form the impression (perhaps wrongly) that you actually like her. However, now is not the time to defriend her. Just change your privacy settings.

InionEile · 23/12/2019 18:39

Just make a list of people you want to share the photos with, name it e.g. ‘Close Family’ and only share with them. Then she won’t see any of those posts.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2019 18:42

It's scary how many people with FB accounts have absolutely no idea how to use the privacy settings.

Just put her on restriction so she can't see your photos.

Mammylamb · 23/12/2019 18:48

Don’t unfriend her. But change your settings so that she doesn’t see your posts

PatButchersEarring · 23/12/2019 18:57

You're massively overthinking this. Share what you like and if she finds it upsetting, she can hide your posts.

TheNinkiestNonk · 23/12/2019 19:07

You can custom your posts so she doesn't see them.

BanginChoons · 23/12/2019 21:36

Please don't unfriend her. She could easily misinterpret the gesture. When your baby dies, you lose so many friendships. People cross the street to avoid you and don't answer your calls as they don't know what to say. Just change your settings instead.

tillytoodles1 · 23/12/2019 21:47

My friend's full term 3 week old baby was a cot death when my DD was just five days old. We'd shared a pregnancy together and although she was devastated at her son's death, she loved seeing and cuddling my baby girl. It's not something you should hide from her TBH.

Littlebelina · 23/12/2019 21:50

Put her on your restricted list for a while. Speaking as someone who has lost a child please don't unfriend her at this point.

Queenoftheashes · 23/12/2019 21:59

Don’t unfriend her. She can unfollow you if she chooses to. It’s just going to kick her when she’s down if she does notice.

TwoOddSocks · 23/12/2019 22:01

Don't unfriend, if a few people do this (possibly for good reasons - they don't want her to see happy Christmas photos when she's grieving) she'll suddenly have her friend list decline and feel very hurt and not know why . It sounds like Facebook is important to her. Just set your baby christmas album so only people who might be interested can see.

tangledyarn · 23/12/2019 22:04

Dont unfriend her. It will be incredibly hurtful if you do even if you are not really friends. Just edit the privacy of your posts or preferably send pictures in messenger to the people that want to see them.

Havaina · 23/12/2019 22:06

It's scary how many people with FB accounts have absolutely no idea how to use the privacy settings.

This.

I also don’t know why you had to make the comments about her sharing her life online OP.

“She shares a lot of her life online’
“As I said, she shares a lot”
“This lady has been very active making “goodbye” posts”

What’s up with that? I’m sending some implicit judgement.

PurpleTinsel · 23/12/2019 22:11

It’s easy to edit the privacy of posts on Facebook.

On my posts on my Facebook phone app, there’s 3 dots on the top right of my posts, if I tap on that there’s an “Edit privacy” option. That allows me to select who can see my posts, including a setting for “Friends except...”

I’d do that rather than something potentially hurtful like unfriending her.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 23/12/2019 22:13

Orrrr you could message her explaining what you want to do and that you dont want to upset her and would she like to snooze you for a week or two? Or would she prefer it if you changed your settings.

Blueemeraldagain · 23/12/2019 22:13

I agree with the advice above but also recommend an app called Tinybeans. I have family in Australia (3 nieces across two brothers in law) and you can upload photos and your added members can see/like/comment but no one else. Great for not flooding Facebook with baby photos but keeping family (especially abroad) updated. I think the app automatically puts each photo/video to the date it was taken too.