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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude

83 replies

Mashaandthebearr · 23/12/2019 15:22

A friend of ours was talking to DP a few months back and DP mentioned he was getting a certain gift for DS for Christmas.

Well DP never got the gift and when I asked him why he told me he couldn't because the friend went and bought it for DS. He's pretty pissed off, and says he let friend know he was annoyed and hasn't spoke to them since.

I think its rude, however I wouldn't have told them that, I would have just taken the gift and said thanks. Was DP BU for telling them he was annoyed about it, and I for kind of agreeing with him, or was friend BU for buying the gift for our DS that DP had planned to buy?

OP posts:
OlaEliza · 23/12/2019 21:22

I think the friend is rude and you are ridiculous for telling your DP he shouldn't have said something.

OlaEliza · 23/12/2019 21:22

Who the fuck goes and buys something for a kid that their parent has said they are buying for them???

Original poster
Mashaandthebearr · 23/12/2019 21:48

OlaEliza see, that's how I feel. Although it was generous of the friend, I just feel like, why would you listen to your friend excitedly tell you about one of the presents he's picked to buy his son for Christmas, and then go and buy it.

It's not something I would ever do, and although I think DP should have thought a little longer before he responded, I do feel like some of his disappointment is justified and that friend sort of crossed a weird line that I'd never even considered before.

OP posts:
Milsplus3 · 23/12/2019 21:58

I can understand he feels overshadowed when he wanted to buy your son the gift, but the friend was likely just being nice/thought he was hinting/couldn’t afford it etc etc and wanted to help. Surely he can still buy it? If he has two pass one on, return, sell or keep both it’s not a big deal and losing a friendship over it is petty.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 24/12/2019 00:43

All three adults in this saga are odd. The third adult being the OP for starting the thread

Adults?

OlaEliza · 24/12/2019 09:39

Everyone saying the friend is nice, change friend to MIL, I bet your responses wouldn't be the same then.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/12/2019 10:21

Everyone saying the friend is nice, change friend to MIL

Not really a fair comparison as that's a completely different dynamic.

meredithgrey1 · 24/12/2019 10:34

I'm confused by the people saying this isn't weird.

If I tell my friend I'm going to buy DD item X for Christmas and then a little while later my friend presents me with item X, that's weird. If nothing else it's impractical because of the risk that item X has already been bought by the parent and now they have two.

JaJoJe · 24/12/2019 11:12

I get the annoyance because my mam does this so now I just dont tell her what I'm buying.

In my case its not worth causing drama over but yes its irritating because I spend time thinking up these perfect ideas just to have them stolen because she cant think of any.

JaJoJe · 24/12/2019 11:17

downtownabbey - who said it was expensive?

It was a Santa gift so unlikely to be really expensive but was likely the top request the child wanted (sometimes the top list item is a game or toy thats only £10-20 hardly bank breaking) and as just a parents friend thats really stepping on toes to try and out do Santa or the parents

StillCoughingandLaughing · 24/12/2019 12:22

downtownabbey - who said it was expensive?

The OP did 🙄

JaJoJe · 24/12/2019 12:41

Maybe I'm missing it but I just read all OP's responses and didn't see the words expensive or a price listed anywhere.

Please point out where it says expensive because I'm clearly lost on seeing that.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 24/12/2019 12:48

goodluckhun yes youre right, and it's a pretty big gift, which is a big reason I think he was wrong to say anything as I think maybe friend was just being a bit thoughtless, but generous.

HeadSpin5 · 24/12/2019 12:51

I’m a little confused by most responses too - if I had told a friend I was buying X present for DC, really looking forward to giving it to them - then friend went and bought it without telling me, I’d be annoyed and confused. Yes it’s kind to buy DC a gift but why that one?! Def thunder stealing
/crossed weird line IMO. Can only surmise friend hadn’t realised the gift was definitely going to be bought and it was more of a ‘would be nice to get/DC would love to have that’ general conversation

Wheresthebiffer2 · 24/12/2019 12:54

friend was kind and generous. say thanks and be grateful.

JaJoJe · 24/12/2019 14:27

but big does not equal expensive at all... in fact most of the 'big' gifts tend to be the cheapest items.

for instance 1 of my kids is getting an outdoor play house, its his main gift and HUGE but only cost £30, my other child is getting PS4 game thats small and just one of the gifts from us but costing the same.

SmileyClare · 24/12/2019 14:35

How awkward when you meet up with this friend over Christmas. Your husband hasn't spoken to him for months, all over a present.

I think your husband owes him an apology and I hope your ds actually gets given the bloody present after all this hostility Shock

IamFriedSpam · 24/12/2019 14:37

Did the friend definitely do it on purpose? Or did he half remember the conversation and think oh yeah DS likes X I'll get him that? If he did it deliberately that's very rude and odd to be honest.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/12/2019 14:42

I can’t get het up whatsoever over who gifts what at Christmas. As long as my children are happy I don’t care.

If your DH had reacted like that to me buying his child a gift said gift would be returned and I’d be rethinking the friendship.

DowntownAbby · 25/12/2019 21:28

@JaJoJe

but big does not equal expensive at all... in fact most of the 'big' gifts tend to be the cheapest items.

for instance 1 of my kids is getting an outdoor play house, its his main gift and HUGE but only cost £30

Are you seriously saying that you think a 'big gift' refers to the physical size of the item?

The mind absolutely boggles.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/12/2019 21:44

Yes it’s kind to buy DC a gift but why that one?! Def thunder stealing/crossed weird line IMO. Can only surmise friend hadn’t realised the gift was definitely going to be bought and it was more of a ‘would be nice to get/DC would love to have that’ general conversation

I don’t know why anyone WOULDN’T think that. The OP herself said this conversation happened months ago. While ‘What do we get the kids for Christmas?’ is a big topic of conversation for parents, this is someone buying a gift for their friends’ child. He’s probably thought back and remembered his mate mentioning a certain toy without remembering the context.

Dayzs · 25/12/2019 21:48

How sure are you that the gift was actually bought by the friend and simply not an excuse for your husband to use as maybe he forgot to buy it?.

JustASmallTownCurl · 25/12/2019 21:56

Oh come on OP. It's not like the poor bloke will have done it on purpose is it?! Do you really think that he in any way did this for any ill willed reason? At all?

He probably remembered the thing in question being mentioned in conversation but forgot your DP said he was going to get it.

People can't be expected to act as if the world revolves around other people's children - he was being kind to get him a lovely present and likely just didn't remember chapter and verse of the conversation, it won't have been on his mind for weeks on end will it.

He's been treated really poorly being told off for getting your son a generous present he probably just remembered your DP mentioned was something DS is into.

Bloody hell, spirit of Christmas wouldn't go amiss!

JustASmallTownCurl · 25/12/2019 22:00

And what thunder would he be trying to steal?! Why would he want to outdo your child's dad? What on earth would be in it for him?

It seems incredibly unlikely to me that he had any ulterior motive at all and just got a nice gift for your child. Probably forgot your DP said he was going to get it.

There are quite a lot of parents out there who are struggling to get gifts for their kids at this time of year and feeling shit and guilty about it.

And then there are people complaining about shit like this and being ungrateful to someone who actually got their child a lovely present that the child wanted.

I hope you aren't this dramatic about everything!

Original poster
Mashaandthebearr · 25/12/2019 22:54

Quick update, met up with friend today, as I said earlier, dp and friend will not really fall out over it, and they haven't, they were perfectly fine, dp made a joke about it, friend joked back and all was well.

This is a friend that dp has known since very early childhood. My question wasn't 'should I completely cut this person out of my life for being so bloody cheeky' it was 'is it rude to buy a gift for a child that the parent has said they were buying'. It seems the replies are pretty divided but mostly no.

I'm my opinion, it was really weird and I personally wouldn't do it, but as I said in the beginning, dp shouldn't have said anything. Those saying he 'snapped' and treated friend really badly.. He didn't he made a comment regarding the fact that the present was something he was supposed to be buying, hardly biting his head off. Regardless, all is well. We love our friend, but we both agree it was really bloody weird.

OP posts: