DM left DC on their own

[shoebedobedobedobedoo]

DM was looking after DC (8&6)this morning. I turned up to collect them earlier than expected and she had gone out to walk the dog, leaving them to watch TV. It’s a 20 minute walk and she can’t see her house for 90% of the walk. She lives in the countryside, has no direct neighbours - neighbours are all all a field away. I said I didn’t think this was OK (DH and I never leave DC) and she defensively told me that I was over reacting and ‘thousands of 8 year olds walk home from school and let themselves in every day’. AIBU?

She left your 8 year old in charge of your 6 year old, not in an emergency but because (presumably) she couldn't be arsed to get them ready to go on the dog walk with her?

She should never have them again, never. Not only because that was absolutely unacceptable (if someone else had found them alone and called the police, yes she would have been in the shit) - but also because she thought she had the right to make that call - to take risks with them, without asking you first. She does not respect your role as parent.

And then to defend it - words fail.

I woudl find it VERY hard right now not to be asking her for serious space and until she can come to me with a sincere apology for taking that kind of liberty, she's not welcome.

It goes without saying that she never has them alone again.

I might have considered leaving a VERY mature 8 year old for that long, if they had a bad cold, maybe, and the dog REALLY needed a run. A 6 year old, not in a million years.

This. At 8 I was fine to be left alone and I was one of those 8 year olds who had a key and let themselves in. But there is no way I could have been responsible for a 6 year old as well and tbh I was a bit weird. I think it's up to the parents whether or not an 8 year old is safe to be left alone. I don't think it's ever ok to leave a 6 year old like that.

Even if she did leave you at that age, i was shocked when i realised how young we were when we walked home from school, surely when looking after someone else's child you would be more cautious.
I didn't leave mine alone until they were 12 and that was just for a quick trip to chemist etc.

In Germany 5 and 6 year old kids walk to school alone...
Just saying, for comparison...

Thanks. They couldn’t go on the walk as they didn’t have wellies with them. I was just at the point of wondering if they were old enough to be left for 5 minutes while I pop to our local shop. I pointed this out to DM and her hilarious response was ‘I definitely wouldn’t leave them alone in your house, it’s too close to the road’ (we also live down a single track lane, we just dont have a long drive!!)

I think what she did was absolutely fine tbh but the problem is that YOU don't think it's ok, so just make it clear that you don't want the left alone again. No need to overreact.

I’d maube consider leaving a very mature 8 y/o for 20 minutes. Not 6 and not going effectively leaving an 8 year old in charge.

However... it actually doesn’t matter AT ALL what others would do, you have given her the care of your DC and you are not happy with it so it’s really not OK.

If she really doesn’t accept she’s done anything wrong I’d be rethinking future childcare.

My 8 year old would gave been scared. Not ok.

Azadewow
That’s irrelevant. The children are prepped and watched by the community. There is a very different attitude in Germany to the uk.

PP who said they’d have been fine with it if the door had been locked-would that be an intelligent thing to have done if a fire started? If one of the kids choked? Fell and banged their head?
OP, obviously your mother can’t be trusted to provide childcare again, or be in sole care of them, due to her choice to fail.

YANBU not okay!

Why didn’t she just wait 20 mins until you had collected them?

They aren't her children, they are yours. Therefore it's irrelevant whether she (or any of us) thinks it's okay or not.

I might well have left my DD at home when she was 8yo for a short amount of time (she's 10 now and lets herself in after school and could be on her own for an hour) but I wouldn't leave her with a sibling as it adds a whole other random dimension. I did leave 10yo and 4.5yo in the car today while I hopped out to the cashpoint (max 5mins), but I was concerned they might argue.

If it had been me I would have taken the children and let her s=discover when she returned that they had gone. Serve her right. Bloody cheek!

Yanbu I would be absolutely fuming if anyone left my kids on their own and that would be the last time they would be in their care! I would not trust that person with my children again as they could easily leave them again and no one may ever find out. It's so dangerous anything could happen!

8 yes but 6 no imo.

Sensible 8 year old maybe but no way a 6 year old in the mix. I leave my 8 year old for 5-10 minutes to nip to shop at the corner of our street but that's it.

I'm surprised they let her go without protesting, no way would my DD be left at that age!

Another point to raise with DM (if it's up for discussion) that they were not in their own home.
At 8, I was walking home from school, but no busy roads and I knew which of my neighbours I could call on if there was an emergency, and one of my classmates was five doors away.
There was no younger sibling in the equation, either.
Her snippy response and dodgy rationalisation of not leaving in their own home also seem to show that she knows full well that's she's in the wrong.

No not ok. Show her nspcc guidance. Under 12s shouldn’t be left for more than short while and 8 year olds shouldn’t babysit 6 year olds. Schools won’t release 8 and 6 year olds to walk home alone. She is out of touch. 8 year old for few minutes possibly ok. I’m at the more relaxed end of parenting but not ok.

That is stupid and neglectful..she definitely wouldn't be having them on her own again if she was my mum.

I would be giving it her both barrels as well..how dare she make that kind of decision?

I'm with MIL. Absolutely OK where I come from (European country), no one would even bat an eyelid. Everybody I know there does this, kids walk alone to-from school like in Germany from little age. Come back after school, make themselves a meal (simple one, not elaborate, but including using the stove), watch tv/play games and wait for their parents to come back in the evening. I did this growing up and kids do the same nowadays as well. Don't see an issue.

Oh yes, and I'm happy to do the same (and do it), of course.

My mum left me and my brother at this age and younger - I think things were different in the 70s. I wouldn't leave mine at the same age and so my mum wouldn't.

I think YANBU but did your mum definitely know that you don't leave them? She may have thought you wouldn't mind?

Not ok! Irrelevant whether others would or wouldn't. If you wouldn't do it, and she did it without checking it isn't acceptable. My MIL took my DS1 out on his bike without his helmet, on the road, twice! She then lied to me about it (a friend saw him and told me). This despite the fact her own son avoided serious head injury when he was wearing a helmet. She hasn't looked after the kids since.

@ChristmasCroissant most children that age love a bit of responsibility and to be honest I think most would choose watching TV over a dog walk!

I'm aware DC walk to school on their own in other bits of Europe but this is with the expectation that they arrive somewhere! It's hardly the same thing as leaving them in a house, especially not their own.

Besides, bottom line is you are more careful with other people's DC, not less...