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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude?

62 replies

pumpandthump · 23/12/2019 08:31

I know I'm not bu but don't know what to do about it.

In laws coming to us for Christmas, PIL arriving tomorrow late afternoon and leaving after breakfast on boxing Day. All good. SIL, was invited and said she was coming however despite repeated requests from me, DH and PIL has not told us when she's arriving, whether she'll be staying, whether she is bringing her new partner. I just think it's rude. I don't know whether to set up a second guest room or how much food and drink to buy for Christmas Eve or boxing day.

Any suggestions as to what I do? I don't want to buy food that then gets wasted and don't want to put the kids to bed Christmas Eve to find she turns up at 9pm and I have turf out one of them and make up a guest bed!

OP posts:
Youthgonemild · 23/12/2019 09:48

What stands out from your original post is the term “new partner”.

Now I’m guessing that the issue is not actually your Sil but her partner and that he’s refusing to confirm if he’s spending Xmas with her, which in turn is making her be evasive as she can’t confirm, but doesn’t want you all knowing he won’t confirm.

Have you met him? Is he a knob?

I assume you’ve hosted Sil on previous years and wonder if she behaved then?

Obviously this is all wild assumptions and he might be lovely, but worth a thought.

Youthgonemild · 23/12/2019 09:49

Ah cross post!

Original poster
pumpandthump · 23/12/2019 09:50

Youthgonemild she's always a bit like this. Very last minute, no thought for others. I don't think it's deliberate, I just think she has no idea about planning stuff as she's never done it.

OP posts:
Miniloso · 23/12/2019 09:55

Well done OP. It’s not harsh, it’s having healthy boundaries, and not letting her walk all over your family Xmas. Hope she gets the hint now and you can enjoy a lovely Xmas with your family 🎄. Happy Christmas 🎄

Youthgonemild · 23/12/2019 10:00

@pumpandthump I absolutely think you’ve done the right thing with your message btw.
Regardless of whether Her new partner is a knob or not, she’s been rude and thoughtless for not confirming.

Hope you have a good Xmas regardless.

Pilot12 · 23/12/2019 10:00

Phone her and tell her you need a yes or no right now, on the phone. She must know what she's doing by now.

Gardai · 23/12/2019 10:06

Anyone I know who does this invite procrastination is normally holding out for the “better offer”. My friend’s mother does this right up to Christmas Eve and really pisses her off.

Original poster
pumpandthump · 23/12/2019 10:07

So we've had no response. DH has tried calling her and she hasn't answered. He's currently on the phone to PIL as there's a chance she'll call them claiming DH is being unfair and bullying her by having her make a decision (she has form for this).

OP posts:
QueenAnneBoleyn · 23/12/2019 10:10

She’s had her chance OP.

puds11 · 23/12/2019 10:13

Urgh what a faff! Missed her chance now.

RuggerHug · 23/12/2019 10:14

Please let us know when she replies later. Or just turns up claiming you were sooooo mean giving her 20 mins or whatever to reply, she was busy then and blah blah

NoSauce · 23/12/2019 10:16

Right you’ve done more than enough. Leave her alone now. If she suddenly decides she wants to come then it’s tough!

DowntonCrabby · 23/12/2019 10:22

How are PIL? Will they entertain/pander to her possible cries of perceived bullying or are they more no-nonsense?

How stressful for you all.

diddl · 23/12/2019 10:27

So people are still chasing around after her?

No wonder she does it!

As for no idea about planning-she must at least realise that meals need catering for?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/12/2019 10:30

She’s a tit.

Original poster
pumpandthump · 23/12/2019 10:44

Ok, so pil have called her and so she's responded. She'll arrive Christmas day around 12 and leave after dinner. Fine, we can work with that. DH is worried she'll be expecting us to wait to open gifts with her (which with a 4yo is unrealistic, plus 12 is the time DH will be locked away in the kitchen). PIL say they are no nonsense but when it comes to the crunch will usually pander to her.

OP posts:
JumpyLiz · 23/12/2019 10:50

You’re all pandering to her.

Original poster
pumpandthump · 23/12/2019 10:51

I think she's trying to tell us something though as she lives 4 hours away. I wouldn't be surprised if she decides it's too much hassle to come up on the day when it gets to it. Which will be a shame.

It's a bit of a funny one as we were supposed to be gathering elsewhere initially and but that plan fell through. I think she wants to spend Christmas with her partner but either feels obligated to come to us as she said she would or he doesn't seem so keen. Must be a bit sad for her.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 23/12/2019 10:56

Just crack on and do everything as you normally would. Don't mention her at all, get up do pressies and breakfast, do lunch without mentioning waiting for her etc

JumpyLiz · 23/12/2019 10:57

She clearly doesn’t want to come. You gave her the choice with the 10am ultimatum. She made her choice and then you’ve pushed her for another response anyway!

NoSauce · 23/12/2019 10:57

Just crack on with your day. Open presents when you want to. Honestly, you’re giving this woman far too much head space when it appears she gives you none!

Try and relax and enjoy Christmas 🎄 Wine

Tighnabruaich · 23/12/2019 11:19

Don't wait for present opening, everyone seems to pander to this woman. She probably wants to be cosied up with new partner rather than drive 4 hours to be with the relatives, and isn't able to say so for some reason. If she's not there by the time you would normally eat your Christmas dinner, then just start without her.

KarmaStar · 23/12/2019 12:17

Merry Christmas op!
I don't think she will arrive.
Crack on with your usual Christmas,don't change any of your plans for her,she is being enabled in her rude behaviour enough already.
Have a great time with your 4yr old ,the excitement will know no bounds by Wednesday😀🎅

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 23/12/2019 12:21

Outrageously rude. Tell he she cannot let you know nearer the time you need to know today. By phone, not messaging

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 23/12/2019 12:24

She sounds awful.

If she does t turn up it won’t be any great loss let’s face it....

Don’t wait to open presents