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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas disappointed

41 replies

Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 05:40

Christmas1
Yesterday 19:15 Mumof3babygirls

So I have 3 daughters, divorced from their dad but been living with my partner for four years. My partner has no children of his own and treats mine like his. They don’t always get on but the majority of the times things are great. My ex doesn’t have much to do with the children. Texts and calls but doesn’t see them much. Has re married and has a new baby
My youngest said today that her sister had brought a Xmas card for her dad. No issues at all.
I went to put some washing on my daughters bed and there was a Xmas card. To my dad and stepmum. Inside all the girls have signed it. With one saying Thankyou for all you do for us!
My youngest has already said she’s sad as My partner and I have not got a card.
I feel deflated. We do everything for the children. I know it’s just a card ☹️

OP posts:
LucyAutumn · 23/12/2019 05:46

Could she be overcompensating for their lack of interest in the hope that doing a nice card and appearing happy and grateful will inspire them to make more effort?

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 05:51

Morning, she could well be. She is a lovely girl and I can understand that she wants/needs a relationship with her dad. But honestly myself and my partner do everything. Just a card would have been nice c

OP posts:
BitchyArriver · 23/12/2019 05:55

Agree with above, sounds like a desperate plea for their attention. How sad.

Don’t worry OP, those girls know how much you care for them, they also know you don’t need a card to love them.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 06:00

I know yr right. I’m being silly. Thankyou xx

OP posts:
BitchyArriver · 23/12/2019 06:40

You’re not being silly. Just remember these girls are secure in your love which is why they’ve not bothered with the card.

Can you tell them Mummy would love a card too?

HJWT · 23/12/2019 06:44

How old are is she op? I agree with what everyone above has said but that doesn't mean it wouldn't sting a little 🥰 hugs xx

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 06:45

I think if I mentioned it my daughter would feel incredibly guilty for not getting us one. She’s spent lots of money on presents for her dads family and only works part time as she is still at college so I don’t really want to put that pressure on her. She said yesterday she feels bad for not getting me or my partner a present. We both told her we didn’t need one so she’s not to worry. Broken families can be so so sad x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 06:45

She’s 17 x

OP posts:
DesignedForLife · 23/12/2019 06:51

Agree with the above - she’s overcompensating, trying to get their affections. Which she shouldn’t have to do.

Could you take her out and treat her to buying you & your partner something maybe?

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 23/12/2019 06:52

Oh bless you all, that sounds hard. But like pps have said I think it's more of a cry for attention and affection from their dad and step-mum.
Could your partner offer to take them shopping if they want to get you something?

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 06:54

I did think that. I said to her that I would get her something for my partner from her. She said Thankyou. I don’t need presents but would have loved a nice card.

I get she’s over compensating which is so so sad 😞

OP posts:
ShamblyChristmas · 23/12/2019 06:54

That phrase sounds a bit over-polite to me op. A bit "trying too hard" as pp suggested. I wouldn't worry. I hope this doesn't sound wrong because she's probably a lovely girl , but at 17 everyone is naturally a bit selfish, and put it this way, she can be her natural self with you and her partner because she feels secure with you both. She doesn't have to try hard or make an effort. It would be nice if course if she did, and get you both a card at least, but I wouldn't take it personally!

Okbutno · 23/12/2019 06:58

Have you talked to her and your other daughters about how they feel regarding the lack of relationship? I agree with pp's she's over compensating.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 07:00

ShamblyChristmas you could well be right, he doesn’t get any of the issues we get with any of the girls. They are always well mannered never show attitude or strop when he sees them. He msgd me the other week to tell me how much a credit they are to me! Sad really as their also his children. I know I’m being silly. I know I am. I’ll keep reminding myself 😂

OP posts:
chocatoo · 23/12/2019 07:02

Could you suggest that instead of a present she bakes a cake or makes cookies or something for you all? Give her the ingredients and tell her to keep it as a surprise for your partner. Also, say that you have some Christmas cards left over and would she like to help herself 'in case she wants to send one to her sister or your partner (Or even her Mum!)'. In our house we have a craft box with card blanks in and when DD used to say she was worried she hadn’t got us anything, I would always say that a home made card and gift were the best. What I am saying is help her to give you something....and yes, I agree with PPs the card for Dad is nothing to be upset about.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 07:03

OKbutno. I always speak to them about seeing their dad more. The marriage broke down very badly and sadly the girls saw/heard more than they should have. They love their dad and he loves them however he’s moved a bit away from them and apart from the younger one they don’t ever want to stay with him.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 23/12/2019 07:04

That just have hurt to see the card.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 07:04

Chocatoo. That’s a great idea. We also have a craft box that I’m sure her sister will have empty cards in. Thankyou x

OP posts:
AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 07:05

Are you actually sure they haven’t got you a card, though? Is it possible the eldest has bought one but she’s just not shared it round so youngest doesn’t know? Or has she been told not to tell you perhaps?

Put it this way, I wrapped all the presents for family I’m seeing before Xmas but haven’t bothered with the people I’m actually seeing on the day and probably won’t do that until tomorrow.

gamerwidow · 23/12/2019 07:07

Posted too soon!
What a great mum you are to be able to put that hurt aside and take on board what other posters have told you about you DD feeling insecure and overcompensating.
Your DD appreciates and loves you but doesn’t feel she has to try to ‘win’ your love.
That’s a credit to you.

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 07:08

No they definitely haven’t. My daughter would always get the other girls to sign the card as I’m writing that I realise how pathetic I sound. It’s just a card. It really doesn’t matter

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 23/12/2019 07:10

That would hurt me too

I reckon after some thought you'll get a card today Op

I hope so

Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 07:10

gamerwidow. Thankyou. I love those girls more than anything. I think that’s why it hurt. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 07:11

MarthasGinYard. I don’t think I will but their here with me in Christmas Day so that’s better than a card x

OP posts:
happycamper11 · 23/12/2019 07:12

I think it's wishful thinking - if she writes it then maybe it will come true. She doesn't need to do such a thing for you as you already provide for their needs in every way.

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