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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas disappointed

41 replies

Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 05:40

Christmas1
Yesterday 19:15 Mumof3babygirls

So I have 3 daughters, divorced from their dad but been living with my partner for four years. My partner has no children of his own and treats mine like his. They don’t always get on but the majority of the times things are great. My ex doesn’t have much to do with the children. Texts and calls but doesn’t see them much. Has re married and has a new baby
My youngest said today that her sister had brought a Xmas card for her dad. No issues at all.
I went to put some washing on my daughters bed and there was a Xmas card. To my dad and stepmum. Inside all the girls have signed it. With one saying Thankyou for all you do for us!
My youngest has already said she’s sad as My partner and I have not got a card.
I feel deflated. We do everything for the children. I know it’s just a card ☹️

OP posts:

doublebarrellednurse · 23/12/2019 07:14

She sounds like me at that age. I was desperate for my mother's attentions despite having not had them since I was born more or less. I begged her for it through various means gifts, calls messages. I never got it and now she's not been part of my life for 10 years.

She will realise. She really will but despite her age her maturity is unlikely to see what she's doing or why.

You're doing a great job x

midep · 23/12/2019 07:35

Sorry OP but if your 17 year old has spent a lot of her money on her DF's family, then I think it's a poor show indeed to spend nothing on you. She's far too old to excuse this thoughtlessness. I hope she has a last minute change of heart and gets you a card at least.

Radardodgingninga · 23/12/2019 07:44

I am a counsellor working with people of your daughters age. This is so common that young people will make huge efforts to keep the love and attention of absent parents whilst seeming to disregard the parents/stepparents they live with. It’s very hurtful to you but it actually means that your DC are totally confident that you and your partner love them and will always be there for them so they don’t feel the need to ‘woo’ you and win you over. They don’t have that confidence in their father so are unconsciously trying to make him approve of them and love them.

It’s a backhanded compliment that they can take you for granted and of course it would be nice if they were more openly appreciative of everything you give them in terms of unconditional love and support but I am sure that deep down they know who is really important in their lives.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 23/12/2019 07:45

It's pretty hard to find a card that says thanks for your almost complete lack of interest, most people don't set great store in the words inside a Christmas card

Fundays12 · 23/12/2019 07:58

They don’t need to try get you and your DP love and attention they already have it which they know. You are there safe space. I think the girls are desperate to get dads attention by showing how nice they are. They shouldn’t have too but be glad they don’t feel the need to do this for you.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 23/12/2019 07:58

Your Daughter know you love them completely.
She doesn’t need to give you love tokens because she doesn’t need to buy your affections.

But with their father she doesn’t fell thAt he does, so she is trying to get his attention.
With his new family she is likely feeling pushed aside and replaced in his affections.
It’s not rational by 17 years olds aren’t often.

IdiotInDisguise · 23/12/2019 08:39

They try the harder with the one they count on the less. But yes, it is depressing.

MarthasGinYard · 23/12/2019 10:03

TBH

Going against the grain here,

I'm surprised that of your three dc none of them have thought to get you a card. No it's not 'needed' but it's nice, especially as they have made an effort with their DD and step mum.

Dd is 9 and has made 3 at school, she's bought one too, completely unnecessary but sweet.

FranticToddlerMum · 23/12/2019 10:06

Awww OP I totally get it, I'd feel the same too. Don't worry though you're creating memories and building a relationship that will last. I didn't appreciate my parents until I was an adult. I thought my uncle was way cooler (he'd turn up randomly with exciting gifts and let me try alcohol when I was 10!). Your effort will pay off long term though.

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 10:17

Thankyou all for your comments. I’m hope on Christmas Day their will be something under the tree for us. Even as others have said a home made card. I think on reflection it just stung a bit. Yr right I don’t needs cards/ presents to know they love me. They show me in many other ways. Thankyou again and Merry Christmas everyone xx

OP posts:

midep · 23/12/2019 10:29

It's not always a good idea to have no expectations of thoughtfulness from your DC, even if they need a helping hand when they're too young to manage alone. Can your partner not offer to help them in a really low key way?

Original poster

Mumof3babygirls · 23/12/2019 10:57

Yes I’m sure he will. I guess I just hoped that they would without needing to be ask as they had for their dad.

OP posts:

chocatoo · 23/12/2019 11:23

You don't know that they weren't reminded by their Dad - he or his partner might well have said something like 'don't be buying us presents, a card will be enough'...

GooodMythicalMorning · 23/12/2019 12:02

Yep agreed with post below yours. Sounds like what my sisters and I would have done for attention.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 23/12/2019 12:08

I totally understand OP really. Dp and I do every single bit of the real parenting , the attending Christmas plays , the getting up in the night, the picking up off the floor when they fall over etc etc. Of course we do that's what we do isn't it. Exdh whilst not an arse as such is very much Disney dad.

They see him in an environment where they dont have to get up to go to school and can lay all day watching TV so I entirely and utterly get it's so much more fun with dad. All the cards except one for me have been for dad , every two seconds it's when are we going to dads , but of course they dont know that exdh cancelled picking them up today , or that he isn't doing Christmas dinner or stockings or presents etc etc.

It hurts and whilst DP would never ever say it I know it hurts him a bit. But hes the first to say we do what is right by then not necessarily what is fun. But I think we are allowed a moment of sadness over it.

I totally get it op and you are not selfish by having a moment of sad. You know why they do it as I know why my boys do it. Doesn't make it easier. Thank goodness we have that practiced smile and the rehearsed " that's a lovely thought love" but down pat.

LEELULUMPKIN · 23/12/2019 12:36

I am sorry but I too agree with a previous PP. At 17 she should be aware how much that has to hurt and no matter her relationship with her DF she should be getting you at the very least a card.

I also hope there is something for you on Christmas day OP.

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