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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad's partner unkind behind my back

42 replies

Transformer123 · 22/12/2019 11:46

My sister has just told me that my Dad's partner (of 11 years) is unkind about me behind my back. To my face she is nice.

Apparently she complains about my children, whenever I phone or crop up in conversation she rolls her eyes and moans, and if I'm visiting she says "I'm not cooking for them, they can sort themselves out" - apparently this is said in a not-very-nice way. She is actually a chef in her job.

Whenever I visit my Dad, I feel I'm inconveniencing them. We often take sandwiches to eat. It's a bit uncertain whether we will be offered food. However, when they visit our house I always put on a spread of food (we live a few hours drive from each other).

We are supposed to be visiting them the Sunday after Christmas (we are at in-laws xmas day), and now I'm wondering whether there will be food. As it's our xmas get-together, I'm expecting that there will be.

Should I ask my Dad if there will be food? I actually feel like turning up expecting it, then being hurt if there is not, and going home. Or should I mention before I go that I've heard she is negative about me and says will need to 'sort ourselves out' with regards to food, and that this is unkind?

OP posts:

NoseyBuggerMummy · 22/12/2019 11:52

I would try to rise above it, she sounds like a real bitch. It's fair to ask if your dad if there'll be food -you don't want to turn up with hungry kids and there be nothing to eat. Just ask if he's planning on doing food and does he want you to bring anything. Enjoy the time with your dad and ignore her. (Although I'm surprised he hasn't pulled her up on it. I wouldn't tolerate a parter being so rue about any of my kids).

BillHadersNewWife · 22/12/2019 11:53

What time are you invited for?

Smelborp · 22/12/2019 11:56

I would tackle this head on ad tell your dad you’ve heard she speaks about you like this.

Ask why he thinks it’s acceptable to let her treat you this when you cater for them and treat them well. He could also put on food. She’s not the only one in that house in charge of the cooker / fridge.

Original poster

Transformer123 · 22/12/2019 11:56

We are at my Mums on the Saturday and over-night, then coming round to Dad's just after breakfast. So in time for lunch!

My Dad does not support me at all on the odd occasion that his girlfriend has been unreasonable. Sometimes she has said tactless comments to me. I once accused me of stealing a book that I then found under her coffee table. When I found it, she sulked for a month about it; hardly speaking to me.

OP posts:

MrsTWH · 22/12/2019 11:56

Is she nice to/about your sister?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 22/12/2019 11:57

Why would your sister say something that would deliberately hurt you and stir up trouble?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 22/12/2019 11:58

I would bring it up and say you would rather not come if it is an inconvenience as you don’t want to be unwelcome at Christmas.

It is basic manners to provide food for someone you invite to your home if they are there for lunch or tea.

Unless there is more to this I.e you always complain about the food they provide etc then she doesn’t like you. Probably because you remind her of your mother.

RealMermaid · 22/12/2019 11:58

Just ask what the plan is for food and whether you can bring anything. Do your family have any dietary requirements/fussy eaters? Seems a random thing for her to say if she's not like this about other people visiting.

BilboBercow · 22/12/2019 11:59

I wouldn't go and I'd tell your dad why.

MitziK · 22/12/2019 12:04

Ask - pleasantly - if there will be food so you know whether to make arrangements to eat before/after.

And treat tales from your sister with a hefty pinch of salt. She might be telling the truth, but she might not - or, as his partner will probably be in the middle of the busiest time of year for working, perhaps she's miffed that on her time off, she's pretty much working yet again.

After all, depending upon what you do as a job, it's going to be irritating to all but an absolute saint to find out that you're expected to pretty much do your day job for your partner's kids - I wouldn't like to be expected to give private tuition or run all children's activities and entertainment for a day just because I do it for the rest of the year, anybody who works in IT runs the risk of being presented with all and sundry's laptops and mobile phones and mechanics don't generally like being dragged out to fix the suspension on their days off.

Winterdaysarehere · 22/12/2019 12:06

Please don't subject yourself of your dc to this awful woman.. If your df doesn't support you then he supports her and her nastiness right?
He presumably knows where you live.

Tell him plans have changed and he is welcome at xx time.
Stand firm op.
I am nc with df due to sm and his spineless attitude to her being basically a cow...
They are no great loss to me or my dc...
20 years now...

zasknbg · 22/12/2019 12:07

Well I think just go home if they won’t let you have any lunch.

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 22/12/2019 12:08

So she's rude about you, and your dad takes her side over yours... why are you going at all?

Winterdaysarehere · 22/12/2019 12:10

To give an example of her nastiness/his spinlessness - When I first got reunited with df after a few years he would meet me from school (12 yo ish) and buy me a pasty for my tea.
I wasn't allowed a plate or a drink though.
He allowed this. The flat was actually his before sm moved in but her rules...
Slowly progressed to an evening meal by 16!!
Bonkers.

Emeraldshamrock · 22/12/2019 12:11

She sounds very unwelcoming and hard work. I'd arrive with a picnic basket.
How old are your DC.
Next time she says about not feeding etc ask her out right why is she so rude, let your dad deal with it if she doesn't like you asking her.

Summerandsparkle · 22/12/2019 12:12

How do you feel about confrontation? Personally I would go in all guns blazing with this if she has been unkind about your children.

Don’t let it affect you spending time with your Dad.

Original poster

Transformer123 · 22/12/2019 12:12

To answer some questions:

Of course I am always polite if food is provided, and I never complain. His girlfriend and I are both gluten-intolerant, so she would be making a gluten-free meal anyway.

If she said she did not want to prepare food in an apologetic way, because she finds it tiring, etc, then I would be understanding. But apparently it is said in an unkind way.

My sister does not really go round for lunch because she lives closer and visits them more often. It would only be on a special occasion, when I'm there anyway. I do believe my sister's version of what happens - we have a close relationship and she is honest.

OP posts:

Elllicam · 22/12/2019 12:14

Do you have to go? They sound horrible.

Emeraldshamrock · 22/12/2019 12:14

I believe your sister too. I would visit this year though I'd be prepared for it to be the last I'd answer her back and call her out on her attitude.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 22/12/2019 12:19

My dads ex partner was like this with me (never my sister). She moaned about every little thing I said or did and was incredibly nasty. Both my sister and I live in a different country to my dad so our time with him is precious. She made excuses to not come to my wedding on top of everything else (which suited us actually as my dad was much more relaxed). That went on for 7 years until they split up and my dad admitted he'd handled it all very badly and the only thing I had done wrong in her eyes was having a close relationship with him. It was all down to jealousy.

Original poster

Transformer123 · 22/12/2019 12:19

slightlystale - My Dad is a difficult character and suffers from depression (or whatever, not sure exactly). We tolerate him, just to have some sort of relationship. Mostly we pretend things are normal, but actually, the way he behaves often isn't.

I have fallen out with him in the past about the way his gf has spoken to me. He has good and bad days, and has little positive to say about me (he can't show emotion), despite the fact that I am actually a nice person and never cause him any trouble, even growing up. It's just the way it is, and I'd rather this than having nothing and breaking contact.

OP posts:

PurpleGhost · 22/12/2019 12:22

Do you actually get anything positive out of visiting them?

Mrshue · 22/12/2019 12:25

Oh. I have the stepmother from hell!!!! I feel for you. I’ve actually not spoken to my father now for a year. It’s heart breaking. But she’s finally pushed me too far. After 22 years of pure crap. I can’t take it anymore with her. My father is devastated. He keeps ringing me. He’s even text my mother. And so has my step mother. So I know it’s got to a critical point. The hurt has now gone too far.

I never ever wanted to be NC with my father and I hoped that would never happen. But people can only take so much. I know how you are feeling

Wingedharpy · 22/12/2019 12:33

What did your sister say in your defence when Dad's partner was "being unkind"?
Visiting DD doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs in any case.
Stop pretending OP.
If your DD doesn't behave well and his DP is unwelcoming, stop going.
Save your affection for people who deserve to have you in their lives.

Dolorabelle · 22/12/2019 12:36

Your father can reap what he sows. Limit contact. It's what I do as my father has shown by his actions that he values other people's families more than his own. He doesn't do it deliberately, but that's almost worse.

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