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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad's partner unkind behind my back

42 replies

Transformer123 · 22/12/2019 11:46

My sister has just told me that my Dad's partner (of 11 years) is unkind about me behind my back. To my face she is nice.

Apparently she complains about my children, whenever I phone or crop up in conversation she rolls her eyes and moans, and if I'm visiting she says "I'm not cooking for them, they can sort themselves out" - apparently this is said in a not-very-nice way. She is actually a chef in her job.

Whenever I visit my Dad, I feel I'm inconveniencing them. We often take sandwiches to eat. It's a bit uncertain whether we will be offered food. However, when they visit our house I always put on a spread of food (we live a few hours drive from each other).

We are supposed to be visiting them the Sunday after Christmas (we are at in-laws xmas day), and now I'm wondering whether there will be food. As it's our xmas get-together, I'm expecting that there will be.

Should I ask my Dad if there will be food? I actually feel like turning up expecting it, then being hurt if there is not, and going home. Or should I mention before I go that I've heard she is negative about me and says will need to 'sort ourselves out' with regards to food, and that this is unkind?

OP posts:

cushioncovers · 22/12/2019 12:38

Don't go. Life's is too short to dutifully visit people when you're not welcome.

MRex · 22/12/2019 12:44

Can you arrange to meet your dad at a local restaurant or pub instead? If he questions it just say SM apparently said she didn't want to cook and you're tired of being unwelcome in his house so you'd rather meet elsewhere.

custardbear · 22/12/2019 12:44

I'd phone and ask if there's anything you can bring to help with lunch - that broaches the food situation, if he says there's no lunch then say you'll stay at your mums and pop in after lunch and before you go home for dinner

Original poster

Transformer123 · 22/12/2019 12:47

I know it is a usual response to just say "stop going round" or "don't see them again". Although some people choose to go no contact with parents, I don't feel that's the right thing for me. It would cause me more stress. I know what I'm dealing with, I'm not in denial.

I think from the responses that I've got, that I'm going to make less of the issue, but I will mention to my Dad that I've heard Sharon is funny about preparing food for us, and that if they come here we prepare food, and I think that attitude is not nice.

Also, she caters for her own children who often stay over, and who often turn up to meals out, which my dad is expected to pay for (and does).

OP posts:

SabineUndine · 22/12/2019 12:48

I'd book myself into a restaurant nearby for 2pm and just stay for an hour or so.

NotStayingIn · 22/12/2019 12:52

I would pop round for say an hour to have a coffee and then go for a meal somewhere afterwards. (Without them!) No need to tell them, have coffee and chat and off you hop.

She sounds like a bitch but good for you for trying to maintain a relationship with your dad if that’s what you want.

Chloemol · 22/12/2019 12:53

I would be having a word with your dad, tell her you know his partner is talking about you behind your back, you don’t need to say how you know

Say you are extremely hurt he has not stood up for you, ask him if he really wants to see you, or if it’s best you stay at your mums for Sunday lunch, and then drive home without seeing him

That way you know where you stand

Wallabyone · 22/12/2019 13:02

Wow, I can't believe she wouldn't let you have a plate or drink, nor that your father allowed this. How cruel It's a difficult situation, but I defiantly couldn't go round and pretend to be festive and happy with my family. I would pop in for a coffee, go elsewhere to eat (say you have pre-arranged plans with friends), then once Christmas/New Year is over I would go over with my husband and talk to them both.

HaileySherman · 22/12/2019 13:06

I would just be honest with your dad in a non-confrontational way. Maybe just flat out say, "Dad I know your wife finds it stressful to cook for us, since it's Christmas, would she prefer I bring some food for all of us to take that stress off of her? Or would you like to come for dinner with us?" Or however you want to say it, but I would put it out there that you know what she has said, and what is the best way he thinks to handle it.

Of course, IMO, his wife sounds like quite the bitch, but it sounds like you don't want to hurt your dad, so that's why I suggested that approach. Not because she deserves that kind of approach, but rather to keep things good with your dad.

Spitsandspots · 22/12/2019 13:08

Mums on the Saturday and over-night, then coming round to Dad's just after breakfast

I would just go for an hour, have a cuppa then leave. Saves the stress about wondering if you will get fed.

tinyme77 · 22/12/2019 13:09

Ask if they are doing lunch and what you could bring to contribute? e.g. A pudding

tinytoast · 22/12/2019 13:11

I would ask her directly. Go with examples of what shes said and say you want to put things to bed and love on with a good relationship.

Fr0g · 22/12/2019 13:22

call today and ask if you're invited to lunch
If not, say you'll arrive a bit later, and book go to a restaurant first
make a point of talking about what a good meal you had.

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2019 13:42

Why isn't NC the right thing for you?

What do any of you get out of the relationship?

Ponoka7 · 22/12/2019 16:21

If it had been said about my Sister, I would have challenged it, so why didn't she and just pass it on?

You need to go with the suggestion of asking if lunch is planned. Is there a reason why your Dad doesn't cater for you and it's left to her?

Countryescape · 22/12/2019 17:17

Is her real name Sharon ? All the Sharons I know are bitches! 😂

MajesticWhine · 22/12/2019 17:29

I would call her up in advance and say what can we bring, or sweetly say, we don't want to inconvenience you, we could all go to the pub for lunch/dinner. Repeat the same message to your dad and anyone else who will listen. And turn up with plenty of food, puddings, cheese or whatever, regardless. Then she really can't bitch about you then.
She sounds like a cow, but if you want to see your dad, I guess you have to suck it up as best you can.

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