Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding dd and DP at Christmas?

39 replies

Xmasrockandahardplace · 22/12/2019 07:46

NC'd for this as I dont want it linking to other threads.

DP is not the DF of my children. We have been together nearly 12 years. He has DC with his exdw, relationship with them has not always been great but is ok at the moment. DP's relationship with my DC has suffered as a result of this, this has deteriorated far more over the last year and I need to sit down with him and discuss how, and if, we can put this right.

DD has come home for 4 weeks for Christmas (she is 3rd year uni in Scotland so has flown home) and is no longer prepared to put up with his dismissive attitude towards her or her sisters (they are nearly 10 years younger than her). I do not blame her for this, she is an adult and it is up to her and this is still her home.

However this is causing massive tension in our house as they have barely spoken a word to each other. She has been out a lot with friends catching up but will be here Christmas day. I am dreading it. I do everything for Christmas and just want a pleasant atmosphere on the day...it is the only time we spend all day together. There is no family over to break up the dynamic, and there will be alcohol (not a lot none of us are big drinkers, but it doesn't take a lot to loosen tongues).

I do not want to ask my dd to be something she is not...that's not a lesson I want to teach her...so how do I deal with this? This is coming from her so speaking to DP will not make this right.

Is she being unreasonable in her attitude? This is her home but it is also mine and DP's home. However I do know why she is like this and where she is coming from and understand why.

Any help in just getting through the next few days will be greatly appreciated...thank you!

OP posts:
orangejuicer · 22/12/2019 07:49

I think you need to talk to both of them and just ask them to get on for your sake. It's not for a long time and they are both adults. I don't think it's unreasonable for your daughter to learn how to deal with difficult people (in terms of life lessons) and your DP needs to grow up.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/12/2019 07:51

What are the specifics behind why they don't get On? I do think this us relevant.

Dd needs to respect that this is a family home and that everyone deserves a nice day on Christmas- but this is entirely dependent on the actions of dp and the reasons for the tension.

puds11 · 22/12/2019 07:51

How is he dismissive to the younger children? She may have point.

richteasandcheese · 22/12/2019 07:52

So she's pulling him up on unacceptable behaviour because you've failed to do so thus far?

mrscampbellblackagain · 22/12/2019 07:53

Why has him getting on better with his own DC made the relationship with yours more difficult? From what you have posted it sounds as though your DD has a point.

Icecreamsoda99 · 22/12/2019 07:53

no longer prepared to put up with his dismissive attitude towards her or her sisters

So he doesn't get with his own children and doesn't get on with yours? Yo use the MN saying "you have a Dh problem". You can't force them to get along, but by the little info here it's your DH with the attitude problem not your daughter who is just defending herself and her sisters, and I ask kindly why are you not defending them?

7yo7yo · 22/12/2019 07:53

So your dp is horrible to your children and you do nothing?

CatsGoPurrrr · 22/12/2019 07:54

Your partner is dismissive to your children
Your oldest will no longer accept this for herself and her sisters.
You want to know how to get your oldest to get back in line so you can have an easy time at Christmas.
Really?
How about thinking about why you've got to the stage where your oldest child is having to protect her younger siblings and why you are not.

autumnboys · 22/12/2019 07:54

You say that this is coming from her, so speaking to your DP won’t make it right, but earlier in the thread you say his relationship with your DC has suffered (although I’m not clear as to whether that’s because he is or isn’t seeing his own DC).

It does sound as though the way your partner talks to your children might be a problem. And if your younger children are just coming into their teens then perhaps you need to think a bit more about this, as teens do like to test the boundaries, but still need to feel loved. Is he going to be able to do that? Can you talk to your daughter, not to ask her to shut up (I can hear that you wouldn’t say that to her) but to try and find out what’s going on. Then talk to your DP. Is he the sort of man who can take some feedback and reflect.

Good luck and I hope Christmas Day is lovely and perhaps the start of better relationships, too. Flowers

Icecreamsoda99 · 22/12/2019 07:55

*sorry DP not DH

FilthyforFirth · 22/12/2019 07:59

Very sad that you are prioritising your partner over your children. If she is right about him, why an earth does she need to change her behaviour? YABVVU to expect this. UGH. I dislike parents who arent able to put their children ahead of new partners.

Itstheprinciple · 22/12/2019 08:01

You need to sort out your DP's attitude towards your children first and you clearly know this so why have you left it so late? If you'd addressed it yourself before now, your eldest daughter wouldn't have had to come home and defend her younger siblings.

You have to put your children first.

lovepickledlimes · 22/12/2019 08:02

So you say your DD is no longer happy to accept his dismissiveness towards her and her siblings. What exactly is his dismissiveness like? is it she wants him to act more like family? is he completely cold towards you DC and frequently ignores them? does he not accept that your home is their home too? it's very little to go on and depending on the behavior you might need to talk to DP too and point out where he needs to make changes

RhymingRabbit3 · 22/12/2019 08:03

Surely your partner is in the wrong here, if he is rude/dismissive towards your children. You've been together 12 years, your oldest is at uni so 21/22? And the youngest is 10 years younger so 12? So he has known them almost their whole lives? What is his problem with them and why is it OK for him to treat them badly in their own home?

BellyButton85 · 22/12/2019 08:04

Another prime example of a woman putting a man before her kids. Sigh

AJPTaylor · 22/12/2019 08:04

It's not a Xmas problem is it?

XmasRibbons · 22/12/2019 08:07

I don't think you can really ask for advice unless you state what her issues with him are, then we could say who is being unreasonable and how to approach it.

In what way is he dismissive?
She must think you're allowing him to behave inappropriately towards her siblings somehow.

ohwheniknow · 22/12/2019 08:07

You stop scapegoating your children for the way your partner mistreats them. Simple.

Wildorchidz · 22/12/2019 08:08

DP's relationship with my DC has suffered as a result of this, this has deteriorated far more over the last year and I need to sit down with him and discuss how, and if, we can put this right.

I’d say it’s got to the stage that it can’t be put right. You have a decision to make as to who you want in your life - your children or your partner.

Scarsthelot · 22/12/2019 08:09

Surely this all depends on detail?

Is he dismissive?

Or are your kids a bit jealous he doesnt have as much time with them now he his relationship is good with his own kids. Are you a bit jealous.

And if he is being dismissive. Why? Is it that he is simply a dick and your kids were fine to fill a gap when he missed his. Or is he feeling guilty he spends so much time with yours while he wasnt getting on with his own?

If he is dismissive because he is a dick, why the fuck are you with him and doing it to your kids?

If its guilt (from him) and jealousy (from you and the kids) and he is decent person, you need to speak to dd and explain that since she doesnt live there full time, she dowant know the detail of everything that foes on and explain you are trying to work things out for the good of everyone and she isnt helping.

Shoxfordian · 22/12/2019 08:09

Yeah you should put your daughter first not your partner

Trinighana · 22/12/2019 08:10

I very much doubt OP will like the truth so possibly might not return.
If oldest isn't uni and ten years senior to her sisters they must have put up with "DP" dismissive attitude since they were toddlers.
Unacceptable way to let a man treat your daughters, what you've modelled is going to set the tone for their future relationships.
You have more to worry about than Christmas.

Original poster
Xmasrockandahardplace · 22/12/2019 08:11

Hi yes I know. I am going to take all of this on the chin but it is only the last few months that I have started to see that he is emotionally abusive. It has crept up and I know I need to do something about it, and I will. Behind the scenes I am starting to separate finances and sort all of that out.

Life is not black and white and I can look back with hindsight and see it all but at the time, living through it, I didn't see it. I have always defended my children, but again, at the time, because it was drip drip drip, I did not see the bigger picture.

I do now and am going to deal with it.

I do not want to ask dd to be someone she isn't, as I said in my op. That's why I am asking how to deal with this.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 22/12/2019 08:12

You havent said what the situation is so it's impossible to tell e. g. How exactly does your DP treat your children? It sounds as if you've let him treat them badly to be honest and if that's the case then the next few days are the least of your problems!

XmasRibbons · 22/12/2019 08:13

However I do know why she is like this and where she is coming from and understand why

Just read this again, you clearly agree with her regarding your partners behaviour. She's just not as happy to ignore it and sweep it under the rug, as you seem to be.

Clearly you are being very unreasonable as she feels she needs to behave this way on behalf of her siblings.