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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU regarding dd and DP at Christmas?

39 replies

Xmasrockandahardplace · 22/12/2019 07:46

NC'd for this as I dont want it linking to other threads.

DP is not the DF of my children. We have been together nearly 12 years. He has DC with his exdw, relationship with them has not always been great but is ok at the moment. DP's relationship with my DC has suffered as a result of this, this has deteriorated far more over the last year and I need to sit down with him and discuss how, and if, we can put this right.

DD has come home for 4 weeks for Christmas (she is 3rd year uni in Scotland so has flown home) and is no longer prepared to put up with his dismissive attitude towards her or her sisters (they are nearly 10 years younger than her). I do not blame her for this, she is an adult and it is up to her and this is still her home.

However this is causing massive tension in our house as they have barely spoken a word to each other. She has been out a lot with friends catching up but will be here Christmas day. I am dreading it. I do everything for Christmas and just want a pleasant atmosphere on the day...it is the only time we spend all day together. There is no family over to break up the dynamic, and there will be alcohol (not a lot none of us are big drinkers, but it doesn't take a lot to loosen tongues).

I do not want to ask my dd to be something she is not...that's not a lesson I want to teach her...so how do I deal with this? This is coming from her so speaking to DP will not make this right.

Is she being unreasonable in her attitude? This is her home but it is also mine and DP's home. However I do know why she is like this and where she is coming from and understand why.

Any help in just getting through the next few days will be greatly appreciated...thank you!

OP posts:

Scarsthelot · 22/12/2019 08:14

OP, tell her what you posted. She is an adult. She may back off knowing you will be doing something about it. Assuming she believes you actually will.

Ahe probably feels she needs to protect her sisters, because she believes you dont.

Trinighana · 22/12/2019 08:17

@Xmasrockandhardplace
How old are your other daughters?

mrscampbellblackagain · 22/12/2019 08:18

So you are planning on finishing with your DP? I would tell your DD that and just ask if she can keep things as civil as possible on Christmas day.

But if your DP is horrid to any of your DC you need to pull him up on it - any way he can spend it with his own family?

mclover · 22/12/2019 08:19

I'd apologies to her and confide in her your plans

Icecreamsoda99 · 22/12/2019 08:20

So by your update you are preparing to LTB? I don't think you can magic a perfect Christmas day with the two of them if things are so bad.

Itstheprinciple · 22/12/2019 08:22

Tell DD that you now acknowledge the situation and you are taking steps to sort it out but, it in the meantime, please could she just trust you and be pleasant over Christmas so as not to ruin it for her siblings. She probably thinks you're just letting it go so feels she has to step in.

whatsyaname · 22/12/2019 08:26

Yes it's unclear, you say the situation with his own kids has made his dismissive with yours? As in he ignores them and is disinterested or says nasty things to them? Are you blaming this on his stress or the way he hasn't been able to parent his own. Look not everyone is a good parent and these are his step children, he should be kind but it depends on your set up to whether he should be parenting your DC and if you wanted that you then you should be presenting an united front.

My self and DH don't always agree on parenting things.

BaolFan · 22/12/2019 08:28

She's a 3rd year student so what - 20 or so? Therefore old enough to recognise that your 'D'P is a twat and also old enough for you to be able to be truthful with her.

I would sit her down and tell her what you have said here. Be aware though that she doesn't owe you a debt of silence. It says a a lot about her character and will that she's willing to stand up for her younger sisters against a bully.

Original poster

Xmasrockandahardplace · 22/12/2019 08:29

For those wanting to know specifics, it is difficult to say as it is lots of little things over the last few years.

I am not jealous of his DC. I really like them they are good kids and I really enjoy their company.

As I said in my pp I look back and see how emotionally abusive DP is. He is madly in love with me and over the years I have cut contact with all of my friends, without realising what I was doing, as he became more and more controlling.

I can see this now. I am trying to deal with it as best as I can and am slowly gathering my strength back to do this. One of my younger DC has recently been diagnosed with asd and because my focus has been on her I have been able to look outside in on my relationship and see it for what it is and I am finding the strength to do this.

I am dealing with things the best way I can. It may not be the best way but I do know what I have to do and I will do it. I left my DC's father due to DV. I did that because of my DC. I suppose because DP doesn't physically hurt me I was pathetically grateful and didnt see the emotional abuse for what it was until much later.

I am really close to all of my children and will do what is best for them. Please please do not think that I am putting my DP before my DC. I may have unwittingly done this by letting him into our lives but I can see that now and please help me work this out without the MN viper responses.

OP posts:

Original poster

Xmasrockandahardplace · 22/12/2019 08:31

Hi just catching up on a couple of other posts.

Yes I will tell dd. She is an adult and will really appreciate the honesty.

OP posts:

JoanieCash · 22/12/2019 08:39

Yes, tell your daughter. She’s likely to really support you too, especially if you’re cut-off from friends.

laburnumtree · 22/12/2019 08:41

I was in your DDs position at a similar age, my mother never really understood why I behaved as I did towards her then DH and I didn't understand why she put up with his rude and abusive behaviour. I stayed away from home rather than have to witness it as she always used to ask me to be nice to him and I could sense she didn't want me there because it made it awkward. I didn't know that me being there also made her then DH worse towards her.

It's still causing fractious issues in our relationship years after she finally was able to leave him.

So I agree with the PPs advice to tell your DD, explain that he is being abusive to you and you've only just realised and you're going to change things, perhaps that her attitude has helped you see that his behaviour is not acceptable. Also tell her how pleased you (and her siblings) are to have her home and how much you love her so she doesn't feel that she's causing a problem/is unwanted at home because of the awkwardness. Tell her that you need to plan it and ask her not to tell him any of what you've told her - I'm afraid at that age I would probably have had a smug attitude/been worse towards him because I would have been pleased she was getting rid of him

ALLMYSmellySocks · 22/12/2019 08:48

I don't see why DD (or you!) should have to put up with his dismissive attitude.

partyhatsoff · 22/12/2019 08:49

Sounds like you’re in the path to sorting this out, but as for actual Xmas I don’t have any advice - you’ll just have to get through it.
You could try talking to him but sound sad if he won’t listen and change his attitude for a day. Your DD - I’d talk to her but if you tell her you’re leaving him, and she lets slip then all hell might break lose.
ARE you actually planning on splitting from him?

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