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AIBU?

Tired Rant! Can I get divorced..

27 replies

Coughgate · 22/12/2019 06:01

From my husband because he is ill! So I'm talking the man flu type!

Currently moved in with family to save for a house deposit with us and the kids all cramped in 1 room so sleep is awful as it is! Husband smokes and even gets up throughout the night waking me up to have fags!! I've asked him to please be considerate and he says he will stop it but does he listen no?! I'm shattered at work!!

Now he's got poorly and will have a horrendous barking cough for weeks now it's deafening so more waking up, sorry that he is ill he still waking up in the night to smoke!! So his throat can't be that bad but all I hear is I am the worst I've ever felt, I'm getting worse, it's not normal to feel like this I even got called thick because I didn't cover him up with his blanket properly when he was shivering and true to take the main cover off him to put a fleece one one him first. Now I'm mad because he lights his fags on the cooker and runs out and I ask him time and time again please don't do that because the smoke still comes off it for the kids to breathe!!

Everytime he is ill we go down this route of falling out because he is a vile only person to have a cold baby! Now I've shouted at him again for bringing smoke in the house and waking me up again and now I'm the vile one because he's waking up in sweat and how awful that feels so that's why he needs fags.

Is flu a reason for divorce and why don't men just suck it up abit more!!!! Sorry long but fed up

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

85 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
Trafalger · 22/12/2019 06:24

It's not the flu. He has a cold. Anyone with proper flu does not get up to smoke (and I am an ex smoker so understand the addiction!)

He needs to just get on with it.

Notajogger · 22/12/2019 06:32

As Trafalgar said - if it's flu, he's not getting up to do anything!

The getting up to smoke, especially with kids in the room when he comes back in, would do my head in and is mad of him when he has children right there to breathe it in.

Coughgate · 22/12/2019 06:57

Yes they say you wouldn't even reach to pick £50 up off the floor if you had flu. He just has a personality transplant when he's poorly, I understand I could have more sympathy but over the years I just don't feel it as much when it is forced down my throat how bad he is and when he's standing outside smoking half naked, well you're not gonna get better stood there in the freezing cold smoking when you have a sore throat are you! It's just the lack of consideration too even when he's not poorly to keep getting up to smoke which wakes me up. I don't know what I'm wanting from this post but why are some men so selfish when I've asked time and time again to not keep waking me up through the night. I got asked yesterday why do I keep sneezing so much??.... Because you have a cold!!!! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
R2519 · 22/12/2019 07:01

Your poor kids. Not only worn up by someone with a hacking (smokers) cough but having to sleep in a room stinking of smoke. Disgusting. Tell him to go and sleep on the sofa. If he was that I’ll he wouldn’t be getting up for a cigarette during the night! Also tell him to quit and think of his kids having to breath in the smells he brings into the room. Yes I’m judgemental. When my wife found out she was pregnant I quit before our DD was born. It’s a vile habit.

Coughgate · 22/12/2019 07:09

Don't worry I'm judgemental too! He wouldn't smoke around them but he will sometimes quickly light it on the cooker if he couldn't find his lighter and then run outside but i still get mad because you still catch abit of smoke! It's so selfish and don't worry if there was actual smoking around the children I'd leave!!

Yes the dreaded smokers cough bark, bark, bark it really is deafening and I have to cover my ears when he gets poorly as it is so loud!

I'd just like him to not keep waking me up to go out for cigarettes and I'd also like him not be so mardy when he is ill. Our son is currently rubbing his back while dh sleeps so I'm sure dh will say even his child cares for him more than me haha

OP posts:
mrssoap · 22/12/2019 07:49

He hadn't got flu, he wouldn't be getting up for a fag constantly and arguing with you if it was.

My ex husband was like this when Ill. It isn't the main reason I left him but it's a contribution that's for sure! He was a drama queen. He was also a horrible man though, treated me worse than dirt on the bottom of his shoe.

Do you even like him? Love him? Enjoy being with him?

This thread has brought back some awful memories for me 😩.

Your not being unreasonable he sounds really bloody annoying.

Umberta · 22/12/2019 08:03

As a short term solution I really recommend ear defenders to bed, I've got some I wear sometimes and they block out all sounds, can't even hear if someone shouted right next to me. It's lovely. (I've got the kind you give kids at gigs, but you can also get the industrial kind) Huge sympathy OP, I hate the smell of smoke too

mostlydrinkstea · 22/12/2019 08:12

As you describe it your husband sounds very selfish. We all have a social mask/persona which we wear in public. It can be a different mask at home where we feel more secure. When your husband is home and ill you are seeing more of the private persona underneath the masks as it takes energy to preserve those masks which a cold an cough can deplete.

Do you like the person who see when he is ill?

If you do decide to have a heartfelt conversation about his attitude be prepared for everything to be your fault.

MsVestibule · 22/12/2019 08:13

I'm not saying you should divorce him (I think you were only semi-serious anyway...) but you're with a man who calls you thick, doesn't care if he wakes you up in the night to have a cigarette and thinks he's dying when he has a cold. The latter I could forgive, but the first two, I don't think so.

Does he have lots of redeeming features?

HeyMac · 22/12/2019 08:27

Unless he's showering and brushing his teeth before coming back to bed he's exposing your kids to second hand smoke. Horrible.

He's a poor parent and I would be considering going for that reason.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 22/12/2019 08:28

You'd save up quicker if DH quit this disgusting habit. Poor you and poor kids being subjected to that.

lily2403 · 22/12/2019 08:31

I would be moving into a hotel 😂
He would get over man flu pretty quick

Wasail · 22/12/2019 08:33

You would save a lot more efficiently if he gave up smoking. If he is smoking that much it must be costing more than £10 a day that’s £70 a week £280 a month ....

VioletCharlotte · 22/12/2019 08:38

This is a crazy situation to be in. You've moved in with family to save money, but he's spending money on cigarettes. How much is he spending a week? I know it's not easy to give up, but has he made any effort?

How do your family (parents?) feel about his behaviour? Him getting up in the night to go outside must surely disturb them too?

What's he like normally when he's not 'got flu'?

rainbowstardrops · 22/12/2019 08:57

He sounds utterly selfish! Oh and who gets up in the night to have a cigarette??? I've never heard of that one before!

brummiesue · 22/12/2019 10:30

Is this a joke?? What an awful selfish man, for god's sake get away from him!!

Coughgate · 22/12/2019 11:12

He is a good person when not ill etc works hard and loves us all and I wouldn't divorce him seriously over this because I imagine being an old woman splitting my family up because he lit his fag on a cooker :/ but I just wish he wouldn't get up in the night to smoke as it disturbs me and yes who smokes in the night?! He's just a nightmare when he's ill, I could be more attentive but I don't want to be when I'm selfishly woken up etc yes his parents do get disturbed with the coughing etc and they do stick up for me but then I can't help feeling guilty like we are ganging up I just wish there would be more respect to what I've asked!

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 22/12/2019 11:31

So he thinks he needs a fag in the middle of the night to make himself feel better, but called you thick for not covering him up with a blanket properly??

If he can get downstairs for a fag, he can cover himself with a blanket, he still has arms right??

Sorry OP, I know you probably just wanted a light hearted rant, but he sounds very selfish and not very nice.

brummiesue · 22/12/2019 13:54

Someone who stinks out your bedroom where your children are asleep with his foul cigarette smoke is not a 'good person' or father

Ceejly · 22/12/2019 14:18

Ex-smoker here. If you had flu, or even a particularly bad cold, smoking would be impossible. I know this because I would try to smoke and end up coughing or being sick. He is at it.

Arrowfanatic · 22/12/2019 14:53

I've had flu, i had to be carried to the bathroom and couldn't even hold my head up let alone go out for a fag (if i smoked that is). He's being a big man baby. Send him to the sofa to sleep.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2019 15:05

Have you calculated how much you’d save if he stopped smoking, health benefits aside?

Elieza · 22/12/2019 21:51

I’d be leaving him. Kids or no kids, splitting up a family or whatever. As that behaviour is just unacceptable. Who smokes during the night ffs.
It’s not being a good role model to his children. Apparently fag smoke clings you your clothing for over ten hours. So every time your kids are near daddy they are breathing in microscopic particles of cancer causing cigarettes. Into their tiny perfect lungs. Yuck. It was on a childhood asthma programme on tv. It basically implied you shouldn’t smoke if you have kids, whether you puff inside or outside.

Coughgate · 23/12/2019 04:48

Late reply I know, I actually feel guilty that I've secretly come onto mumsnet. Honestly I'm not even a soft touch walk over, I put my foot down etc and nag and talk quite strongly but the amount of times I say please don't light your fag on the cooker because even just running to go outside still leaves a slight smell. He has said sorry for saying I was thick and then obviously he isn't the only reason I wake up in the night but when he did wake me up I did say some harsh words because I am sick to death of asking the same thing about the fags and it just being 'one last time oh I can't find my lighter' etc that I said I would be able to find someone that respected me more, well that just made him fumin the next day on top of his man flu and he spoke vile to me the next day, the usual i can leave if I want etc, I don't even recognise him when he's poorly I don't know how someone can change so much but this is why I don't pander to him when he's ill because he always turns into a nasty person.

I'm not an idiot but otherwise he is nice so I don't want to portray him as this big constant abuser because he really isnt, I just don't get how being poorly can make you have a vile streak and what I can do to make him listen when I say about the lighting of fags.

In regards to saving he has a small budget of money aside from when we get paid for personal use,so he gets tobacco out of that. I know when he's nice again I will feel so guilty about this post, I do already and the divorce title was light hearted fed up ranting. He was coughing and throwing up last night and questioned why I hadn't checked if he was ok and I said because of the way you speak to me.........! And he said that he had said sorry but his actual apology was more of a sorry I called you thick I shouldn't have but I said those things because of what you said (when I said I could find someone who has more respect) to which I pointed out I said those things because its true and I'm sick of asking him to light his fags outside away from the kids so I'm actually angry again that it's still my fault in his eyes! It would feel drastic splitting up because I just think in years to come I'd have to say to the kids well you had to see your dad part time because mummy didn't want him lighting his fag on the cooker which takes 2 seconds to do and he is a normal nice human when he's not poorly, it's like he wants attention when he's ill but god it's a common cold and yes I am quite hard when he's ill and I don't really check on him etc I could be nicer but only because I have illness resentment from when he's poorly over the years so I can see why I look quite cold and uncaring

OP posts:
steff13 · 23/12/2019 04:54

Yes they say you wouldn't even reach to pick £50 up off the floor if you had flu.

And "they" are wrong. People always post that nonsense, but it's perfectly possible to have the flu with very mild symptoms.

My dad was in the hospital and the woman in the next room had pneumonia. She drug her IV outside several times a day to smoke. It's a powerful addiction.

I wouldn't blame you for divorcing him, though. I wouldn't be involved with a smoker.

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