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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I juggle my family members problems and my DHs disproval

43 replies

StarShop · 21/12/2019 23:57

Posted recently about my Bipolar brother who DH didn't want to host on Xmas day. He's since agreed he can come. He doesn't like him coming as he can be quite opinionated and so DH bites his tongue however he has nowhere else to go as our parents also come to ours for Xmas lunch.

My sister is an alcoholic. She only pops round very occasionally but loves to see our DS who she plays with. She arrived unannounced and I was getting ready to go out so I shouted her up while I did my makeup. She came up, talked to me then went back downstairs. DH came up and told me not to bother with make up and to go down as sister is pissed.

I just find being stuck in the middle exhausting. My DH is not controlling g or a nasty person but he really doesn't try to pretend to be civil for my sake, he will be civil in person but complain to me about them in private and calls them a waste of space.

I'd never do this to him and I just don't know how to get him to be kinder and stop being so bitter about them.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarShop · 22/12/2019 00:00

Must add, not obviously pissed by behaviour but breath smelt up close of alcohol and she told me she'd had half a can this morning. Behaviour slightly out there but nothing crazy or obviously drunk rather than just fun and high spirited with kids. I do stop her picking them up etc for safety but nothing further needed in supervision.

OP posts:

FabbyChix · 22/12/2019 00:01

Don’t tell him

Original poster

StarShop · 22/12/2019 00:03

Should add, I tread on egg shells and try to manage the atmosphere when my siblings are around DH and keep the mood and convo light. I sense him ignoring them in conversation and deliberately zoning into his phone etc. and it all puts me on edge because it's clear signals to me he is annoyed and I'm also feeling bad for the sibling possibly picking up on it and feeling unwelcome.

OP posts:

Dyrne · 22/12/2019 00:04

So your DH is civil and polite to your siblings, and keeps his views to express to you in private?

But that’s not good enough? Not only are you expecting him to have to deal with your siblings behaviour, he has to accept it without so much as a word of frustration? Really?

Biscusting · 22/12/2019 00:07

Sorry, with the DH here. I think my politeness would wear off after a while.

1Morewineplease · 22/12/2019 00:11

Sorry.. what’s the problem? Is your alcoholic sister babysitting?
When is your bipolar brother coming.
Are you dressing to go out with your partner or is partner staying at home?
Your husband clearly has concerns about your siblings.
Not surprised.

anon2000000000 · 22/12/2019 00:13

I'm with your DH on this one.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 22/12/2019 00:14

It must be frustrating for your DH if your siblings are a lot of effort for you emotionally.

I find it frustrating when my BIL or SILs piss off my DH, and none of them make me have to bite my tongue or turn up at my house drunk.

Maybe try looking at things from your DH’s perspective- he doesn’t have the same loyalty to your siblings that you do, and if he feels like your putting yourself or your family unit second to them I can see why he finds it frustrating.

Booberella9 · 22/12/2019 00:14

He's had enough of covering for your shitty family. Can't blame him. Honestly sounds like you're the one in need of a reality check, they sound utterly awful and not people that are good to have near your DC.

Since both the siblings you've mentioned have MH issues, I wonder how abusive your parents were. I would guess that you were also damaged by your upbringing, one of the symptoms being stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and not being able to see clearly how dreadful your family's behaviour is.

Listen to your DH. His compass is working, yours is broken.

Penguinshame · 22/12/2019 00:20

Team DH here too

Penguinshame · 22/12/2019 00:22

And anyone who is telling you that they just had half a can in the morning is drinking WAY more than that. And since when is it ok to drink first thing?

justilou1 · 22/12/2019 00:31

I’m with DH too. You have been around really dysfunctional people for such a long time that you normalize their behaviour. The fact is, your DH is uncomfortable in his own house, which should be his place of refuge. He should be entitled to a sense of safety, and he is also quite within his rights to insist that if you inflict these people upon him and your children, then you must be vigilant and responsible for their safety! You MUST accept that it is not his responsibility for safeguarding your kids when people he doesn’t want around them are in his house (especially in that condition)! *I am also interested in how sister arrived. Did she drive? Is this being addressed? Do you want your kids to grow up watching auntie drink driving and people justifying and minimizing that behaviour. I’m surprised DH hasn’t banned BOTH of your siblings.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/12/2019 00:37

I’m with your DH and, to be honest, I don’t think I’d be polite to your siblings in person, at least, not your sister if she’s rolling up drunk to your house. You have DC that’s not something you should be allowing.

If it’s the thread I’m thinking of I’m a little shocked you went ahead and pressured your DH into agreeing to your DB coming to Christmas Day after all the feedback you had. How about thinking about being kinder to your DH and your DC?

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/12/2019 00:41

" He doesn't like him coming as he can be quite opinionated and so DH bites his tongue however he has nowhere else to go as our parents also come to ours for Xmas lunch."
'Nowhere else to go' - that doesn't make him your responsibility. His behaviour, which has nothing to do with being bipolar and everything to do with being a dick, makes your husband uncomfortable but he bites his tongue FOR YOUR SAKE.

"I'm also feeling bad for the sibling possibly picking up on it and feeling unwelcome." I think you should be more concerned that your husband is being made to feel uncomfortable in his own home by your siblings.

I think you need to prioritise your husband over your siblings. You can do nothing about your brother's being bipolar or opinionated, nor your sister's alcoholism and you should stop feeling responsible for them.

justilou1 · 22/12/2019 00:48

*Just throwing this out here too. Suspect that you have been raised to believe that schtick about blood being thicker than water. Right now you are clearly telling DH that he and the kids are water, and your siblings are blood.
If are not allowing your DH the choice to safeguard his own children under these conditions, you are creating a very divisive situation for your own family unit. You need to rearrange YOUR priorities.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/12/2019 01:50

Continue to allow your clearly dysfunctional family to come before your husband and your marriage will be in very serious trouble. It's time to give your head a hard wobble.

Hydrate · 22/12/2019 02:04

Your dh is not unreasonable. I would have a word with both siblings if I were you. Your brother needs to learn to be polite and not a loudmouth at your home, and your sister needs somebody to care enough about her to speak to her seriously about her drinking problem, and encourage her to get the help she needs. I know it is stressful, my brother has a mood disorder, and is an alcoholic. He doesn't come here as he is too far away.

Purpleartichoke · 22/12/2019 04:21

It’s your job to protect your kids from your alcoholic family. What on earth are you doing leaving her with the kids while you do makeup?

pumpandthump · 22/12/2019 04:24

Agreeing with everyone else. Your DH is not the problem here. He sounds like a bloody Saint.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 22/12/2019 04:45

I have to side with your DH

mediumbrownmug · 22/12/2019 04:49

You were happy with your alcoholic, drunk DSis to play with your kids and are annoyed that your DH felt you should be present, and not just leave him alone to police a drunk woman he isn’t directly related to?

eachbeach · 22/12/2019 04:53

Wow I'm quite surprised at these messages. My brother is bi polar and has Aspergers. He is hard work, but my DH is perfectly lovely to him. Yes we share a moan about him but it's never one sided. If you read the rest of Mumsnet most people's families have challenges. I can possibly see it with your sister but her behaviour seems OK for someone who obviously has her own struggles.

pumpandthump · 22/12/2019 04:58

eachbeach if you read the OPs other thread, it becomes apparent that the brother is a dick, independent of his mental ill health.

BozoBahHumbugScroogesItUp · 22/12/2019 05:19

Your dh was telling you he doesn’t want to manage your sister. Fair enough, no? That means she needed to be supervised by you. The options were then, keep her upstairs, go downstairs with her (you could have taken your make up down) or ask her to leave.

TheBouquets · 22/12/2019 05:26

I think maybe you are so used to the things which happen in your family that you do not realise how bad the situation is.
I had accepted my life as it was and it was not until so many others pointed out how weird it all was that I realise the way I was treated by my family was not normal. I realise it now but my relatives would still be the same if I had not taken myself out the equation.
It is hard to accept in our minds that abuses and nastinesses are not normal when it is all we have seen for many years.
Think about your DH and DC, this should not become their normal any more than it should be yours.

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