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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I juggle my family members problems and my DHs disproval

43 replies

StarShop · 21/12/2019 23:57

Posted recently about my Bipolar brother who DH didn't want to host on Xmas day. He's since agreed he can come. He doesn't like him coming as he can be quite opinionated and so DH bites his tongue however he has nowhere else to go as our parents also come to ours for Xmas lunch.

My sister is an alcoholic. She only pops round very occasionally but loves to see our DS who she plays with. She arrived unannounced and I was getting ready to go out so I shouted her up while I did my makeup. She came up, talked to me then went back downstairs. DH came up and told me not to bother with make up and to go down as sister is pissed.

I just find being stuck in the middle exhausting. My DH is not controlling g or a nasty person but he really doesn't try to pretend to be civil for my sake, he will be civil in person but complain to me about them in private and calls them a waste of space.

I'd never do this to him and I just don't know how to get him to be kinder and stop being so bitter about them.

OP posts:

crankysaurus · 22/12/2019 05:27

How much do your siblings make an effort when they're in your home?

And if your parents are going to be there for Christmas, how do they view you DS and DB's behaviour/ drunkness?

rottiemum88 · 22/12/2019 05:36

I'm actually quite shocked after how your last thread went that you've still forced your husband to endure another Christmas Day with your brother. Why are you able to feel sorry for everyone else, but not your husband and what he has to put up with? Why are his feelings last in the pile? I don't blame him for refusing to deal with your sister either and if you're not careful his patience is also going to run out with you

Dozer · 22/12/2019 05:41

Your H isn’t the one in the wrong here.

finn1020 · 22/12/2019 05:44

I’m behind your DH with this.

Scarsthelot · 22/12/2019 05:45

My DH is not controlling g or a nasty person but he really doesn't try to pretend to be civil for my sake, he will be civil in person but complain to me about them in private and calls them a waste of space.

No he isnt controlling. Not sure why you felt the need to point that out.

He is civil and zones out when he needs too. But you also want hin to pretend it's all ok in private?

Your sister did not have half a can in the morning and stink later. Who drinks half a can? Most people with an entirely normal relationship with alcohol would probably finish their drink.

You are making excuses for your siblings and making your husband uncomfortable in his own home. Not only do you want him to be civil and ignore your alcoholic sister being around the kids when she has been drinking, but also ignore you brothers 'opinionated attitude' in his own house AND not be allowed to show you he is unhappy privately?

One of dps sister is 'opinionated', the other 2 are great. My brothers wife is also opinionated. They both have a choice. They are welcome in my home, but if they act like dicks they will get told. I dont expect dp to put up with my sil being rude to him or making an atmosphere. He wouldnt expect me to do that either. And dp wouldnt let his alcoholic mother through the door and be around my kids if she had been drinking, even just half a can.

MerryDeath · 22/12/2019 05:49

wow! if any of our families turned up to my house to play with my child drunk i'd be fuming!

Scarsthelot · 22/12/2019 05:52

Jesus. You are also the poster that refused to read his essay and check the grammar, when and labelled it 'wife work'.

So is putting up with your family making him unhappy and uncomfortable in his own home 'husband work'.

I am sorry OP, but if you dont change, your marriage wont last.

concooktion · 22/12/2019 05:59

I think I remember your other thread. You need to have a long hard think about what you are putting Our DH through. And your DC.

Because you are driving a wedge between your family and by that I mean your family of DH, DC and you (not your wider family). If you drive him away by constantly putting him third? fourth? fifth? do you really think he will let the DC stay in a situation where they will be around your family?

It's time you put your DC and DH first.

Right now they seems to be somewhat lower down the list than you, your parents, brother and sister.

Listen to him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2019 06:37

Scarsthelot
I hadn’t realised op is the same poster as the “wife work” post. Bumpy rides ahead....

heartsonacake · 22/12/2019 06:55

YABU; I’m with your DH on this one.

Your sister may “love” to see your son but if she were my sister she wouldn’t be seeing my child again until she’d cleaned up her act and got sober.

An alcoholic has no business being anywhere near a child.

Cremebrule · 22/12/2019 07:02

I’m with your husband here. If you can’t trust your sister to lift up your children, you can’t trust her to be in sole charge of them full stop. Just read back what you’ve written. If you can’t see a problem with your boundaries then you’ve got an issue. Your children need to be your priority and not your wider family. Your DH sounds like he’s put up with a lot. It’s not fair to expect him to pretend to you that all is ok when it clearly isn’t.

Scarsthelot · 22/12/2019 08:02

Scarsthelot. I hadn’t realised op is the same poster as the “wife work” post. Bumpy rides ahead....

Plus the thread about the brother (which I cant find) which apparently talks about his appalling behaviour. OP seemingly expects her husband to just fall on line with her wishes and what she wants, no real care about his needs or supporting him. Yet op thinks he is on the wrong.

Bumpy indeed.

Shoxfordian · 22/12/2019 08:06

Sounds like your dh has a point OP

SpaceDinosaur · 22/12/2019 08:20

Team DH here too.

FrancisCrawford · 22/12/2019 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerchantOfVenom · 22/12/2019 08:38

but breath smelt up close of alcohol and she told me she'd had half a can this morning. Behaviour slightly out there but nothing crazy or obviously drunk rather than just fun and high spirited with kids.

Half a can you say?

Half a can resulted in smelling it on her breath, and 'high spirits'...?!

What was in the can? Petrol?

MerchantOfVenom · 22/12/2019 08:43

I can just see an alcoholic having 'half a can', and then mindfully putting the other half in the fridge to save for later. Oh yes.

Sounds like she could give the temperance movement a run for their money, with that carry on.

If you believe the 'half a can' story, you'll believe anything.

Josette77 · 22/12/2019 08:55

You are wrong to impose them on your DH. You show him very little respect. I remember your last thread. You should thank your lucky stars for such a patent man.
My sister and mom have bipolar and are addicts. That doesn't mean my DH needs to put up with bad behaviour. He comes before them.

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