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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider becoming single at nearly 30

71 replies

pleasehelpfindthissong · 21/12/2019 23:12

Bit of background: currently in a long term(6 year) relationship, no DC involved but would have liked to have one by now. Relationship not working out and drifting apart. WIBU to consider taking time to myself and hoping to meet someone in the future, or have I left it far too late?

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 21/12/2019 23:59

Well we will have to disagree on that as a lot of people are in relationships in their 30s and there isn’t a great deal of options going by mine and my friends experiences.

penmanship · 22/12/2019 00:15

Goodness, it’s not too late at all. I left my ex dp at 27, had a couple of disasters, then met DH at 32. Been married for four years with two DCs.

The things is, it’s not about being in any old relationship for the sake of it. Even if I had never met DH and had spent the rest of my life single, I would have preferred that to staying with ex DP and being thoroughly miserable.

MolnMal · 22/12/2019 05:45

It would be unreasonable to stay in an unhappy relationship at 90 never mind 30 if the only reason you’re staying just because of age and fear about that age and being alone.

katmarie · 22/12/2019 06:11

I left my ex of 10 years at 30 for similar reasons. I'm 38 now, married with 2 dc, and a million times happier. Go for it!

Stann86 · 22/12/2019 06:20

I was the exact same as you. I had been with my ex 6 years, was 30 and desperately wanted a baby. He couldn't commit in any way - buy a house, marriage or child and I knew I'd regret it if I compromised. We split up and it was hard at first, but I got myself together and joined the dating scene. 2 years later my whole life has changed. I have the most wonderful man, stepson and the most perfect 3 month old baby. Things may have changed in a fairly short space of time but everything has just felt right for both of us and its the best thing I've ever done and I've never been happier than I am now!

Ohdearohdearyme · 22/12/2019 06:22

Better to leave a relationship that isnt right now than stumble along for a few more years and then split.

Iamthewombat · 22/12/2019 06:26

I met LOADS of blokes in my thirties and married when I was almost 38.

Why do you think that 30 is over the hill? I don’t get it.

redcarbluecar · 22/12/2019 06:28

Don’t stay in an unhappy relationship just because of your age. If you’re worried about 30, imagine how you might feel in 5 years if the relationship has drifted apart even further but you’ve hung on for the sake of being in a relationship. Give yourself some time to think and plan a new start if that’s what you know is needed.

BozoBahHumbugScroogesItUp · 22/12/2019 06:39

It sounds as if it’s not working at all so I’d end it now as that what you seem to want. Don’t get caught up in the fallacy of sunk costs.

habibihabibi · 22/12/2019 06:49

Most couples I know in RL met and married in their 30s, prioritising education, careers and getting on the property ladder over relationships and reproduction.
Those few who married/sporned in their teens/twenties are not with the original spouse/partner.

MerryDeath · 22/12/2019 06:57

that's ridiculous. never have children with someone you are not 100% with. you need to be more than 100% with I'm fact. you aren't exactly past it at 30. accept your sunk costs, get out of this relationship and enjoy your life. the rest will work itself out.

Sigh81 · 22/12/2019 07:01

Absolutely not too late. I was single in my early 30s and met lots of nice men who wanted the same things I was after/were serious about a relationship with me. Found the one that suited me the best at 33 and recently got married (am now in later 30s).

And there are still plenty of lovely men around. I actually found it easier to click with people in my 30s than my 20s - possibly because I was ready to commit when I was a bit older.

Powerbunting · 22/12/2019 08:06

What are your choices?

  1. Stay in this unhappy relationship. Hoping but not hoping for children with someone you don't like
  2. Split and immediately look for someone else, possibly giving out desperation vibes, and attracting the wrong sorts, bur also possibly finding someone great
  3. Split. Take a bit of time alone working out what you ate like/ what you want from a partner. Hope to meet someone perfect
  4. Split. Never look for anyone else, go it alone as a choice lone parent
MerchantOfVenom · 22/12/2019 08:19

This is why I love my parents - our family have a history of settling down late, and I was actively encouraged by my parents to go out and live life, and not worry about - let alone rush into - 'happy ever after'.

I dumped a 'drifted apart' bloke at 29. Had a meaningless fling, and then got together with DH less than a week after I turned 30.

The rest is history.

Fine. The OP is not U to worry about venturing out alone.

But she absolutely would be beyond unreasonable to suck it up and settle down with second best, just because the pickings might arguably be slightly slimmer, post-30. Xmas HmmXmas Confused

MerchantOfVenom · 22/12/2019 08:22

...and thinking about it - the pickings are actually much better post-30.

Men are more ready for the same sorts of things women are by that age.

As a PP said, anyone worth their salt prioritises other, more important stuff in their 20s, before moving onto domesticity in their 30s.

WeshMaGueule · 22/12/2019 08:39

Every day you're with Mr Wrong is a day when you're not out meeting Mr. Right.

Pinkblueberry · 22/12/2019 08:45

Of course it’s not too late - and you shouldn’t settle for someone you’re drifting apart from at any age. If the relationship isn’t working out, end it - why would you stay with someone you don’t want to be with? In the hopes of finally having children with them at some point? - recipe for a miserable 30s if there ever was one.

ghostyslovesheets · 22/12/2019 08:57

Life is too short to stay in a miserable relationship

My 3 year relationship ended a month before my 30th - met someone on a night out celebrating my birthday- at 39 I was married to him and had 3 kids

Please don’t be unhappy - be free

Treacletoots · 22/12/2019 08:59

Stop wasting time thinking about it. Rip the plaster off and get on with the rest of your life. You're still a baby... (I did it at 33 and restarted my life and I couldn't be happier)

Popadoodledoooo · 22/12/2019 08:59

Do it!! Wish I could. I’m marrying the guy instead.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/12/2019 09:01

Definitely not too late! I split with my 9 year waste of space at 30, met my now DH at 31 and have never been happier. We have been married 2 years and have a 10 month old DD.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/12/2019 09:03

I think you’re much less likely to settle when you’re older as you know exactly what you don’t want and don’t waste time on it!

MsVestibule · 22/12/2019 09:05

Popadoodledoooo 😨. Why? Why are you marrying a man you don't want to marry?

Normandy144 · 22/12/2019 09:05

The relationship sounds like it is dead and no, you haven't left anything too late. What's the alternative? Stay in a relationship that you're already hating and possibly end up having a baby with him? You will then either stay in the relationship for the sake of the child which will make you miserable or you will split and then have to spend the rest of your childs life dealing with an ex. Not great. Move on, be single and reassess. The right person is out there. For context o was unhappy with my partner of 7 years, we spent the last 3 years arguing about marriage /kids (me wanting, him not) and eventually we called it a day. I had just turned 31. Went travelling and met my DH just over a year later at 32 and had my first child at 36 and 2nd at 38. We got married when i was 40. Best thing i ever did! Have courage. You obviously can't guarantee anything but surely being single has yo be better than staying in a stale relationship.

Popadoodledoooo · 22/12/2019 09:08

It’s gone so far I can’t get out of it without causing a lot of upset and money lost.

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