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AIBU?

to think my 16 year old shouldn't date a 21 year old?

140 replies

pollywolfff · 21/12/2019 22:50

Not much more than that really. My 16 year old has been 'dating' this 21 year old since February and I have finally been told. I am unsure how to feel. I have never met this guy. I know in the future it's a normal age gap but for now it feels odd to me. I am uncomfortable but I don't know if there is anything I can really do.

OP posts:
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CupoTeap · 22/12/2019 16:59

The men I went out with at 16 &17 were not suitable at all and I would be weary of my daughter doing it.

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Velveteenfruitbowl · 22/12/2019 18:33

You haven’t even met him. I suggest you meet him and try to be fair. My husband is fifteen years older (I was in my late teens when we got together). Many people thought he was either a creep using me or a weirdo for having anything in common with a teenaged girl. The fact was that we both came from non western cultures where people are expected to behave maturely from a very early age. None of this extended adolescence nonsense. We also had extremely similar upbringings and characters. We’re both well educated, well traveled etc people. If we had been the same age we would have been put up on a pedestal as the perfect couple. Sometimes it’s impossible to say no to someone no matter how socially unacceptable it is. You need to just meet him and see how it is and act accordingly.

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AugustFalls · 23/12/2019 05:30

JKScot4 - this is what I’m wondering too.

There’s a lot of posters popping up reminiscing about their child/ adult relationships at that age but I’ve not seen a single poster come out and say “when I was 21, I dated a 16 year old”. Why is that?

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Bluerussian · 24/12/2019 12:45

Probably, JKScott. However, regardless of the sex pf their child, most people on here, inc.me, seem to think a 16 year old and 21 year old is not an ideal relationship.

My view (already expressed), is that the OP should meet the guy and get to know him. I do not understand why she hasn't said why she hasn't met him and I'm not the only one to wonder.

Please do tell us, OP.

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rumpusboo · 24/12/2019 18:56

When I was 17, I had a 25 year old boyfriend and we were together for 3 years. I ended up marrying someone a year older than I am but still think of my ex as the love of my life.

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FabbyChix · 24/12/2019 19:11

Women are more mature so I don’t see what the problem is.

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TSSDNCOP · 24/12/2019 19:14

It is the secrecy that is more concerning I think. The age gap may be less concerning, it’s not “normalising” it to say that clearly quite a few posters have a similar story. Rather than to say it’s not necessarily a catastrophe in itself.

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iolaus · 24/12/2019 20:20

My now 17 year old daughter has been with her boyfriend the same length of time (he's now 20 - they were 16 and 19 when they got together) - within a few months we had met him. I think if she lives at home still it's normal to meet (even if it's only a quick in passing meeting rather than a formal meet the parents)
I think I'd be more concerned about that than the age alone

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DJA1511 · 24/12/2019 20:29

I do completely understand your concerns. 16 is still pretty young. Is she in school or finished? I’d be more concerned if she’s still in school but maybe slightly less so if she’s finished.

My 22 year old brother is currently dating a just turned 17 year old. She seems pretty mature for her age though and my brother is a little immature with relationships. Never had a serious girlfriend before her.

When I was 18 I dated a 23 year old.. but I feel that’s different as there is definite difference in maturity between a 16 year old and an 18 year old. I feel I was a lot more mature at 18 compared to 16.

When I was 20 I met my long term partner. He was 33. We are 27 and 40 now. But then again I couldn’t imagine dating a 29 year old when I was 16.

How does he treat her??

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chuck7 · 24/12/2019 20:37

It's weird. At 16 I only really fancied people in my 20s. People my own age were too childish. However if a man is his 20s actually showed an interest in me I'd still acknowledge it's bloody strange.

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MorganKitten · 24/12/2019 21:15

I was 18, he was 32...

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JKScot4 · 24/12/2019 21:58

@MorganKitten
That’s a big difference, was he really immature?

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MorganKitten · 24/12/2019 22:22

@JKScot4 no he wasnt

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Glitterfisher · 26/12/2019 01:06

I have always had big age gap relationships, just never really fancied men my age. At 15 my BF was 21, at 17 I was going out with much older men. Sometimes early 40s. Looking back now I have no idea what men of that age are doing with girls that young, it just seems wrong but at the time I didnt think so.

I am not sure 16 and 21 is massively concerning though if she has left school already, at 15 when my BF was 21 I lied and said he was 19 as knew my parents would go mad.

I agree with other posters, meet him and keep an open mind. If she is nearly 17 and at college/ working the gap really isnt that big.

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amusedbush · 28/12/2019 12:09

When I had just turned 17 I relentlessly pursued a 22 year old (the brother of a friend). He was shy and awkward and a virgin, and it was definitely me doing the chasing! We were together for three years and my parents adored him.

It’s not always creepy.

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