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AIBU?

to think my 16 year old shouldn't date a 21 year old?

140 replies

pollywolfff · 21/12/2019 22:50

Not much more than that really. My 16 year old has been 'dating' this 21 year old since February and I have finally been told. I am unsure how to feel. I have never met this guy. I know in the future it's a normal age gap but for now it feels odd to me. I am uncomfortable but I don't know if there is anything I can really do.

OP posts:
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JKScot4 · 22/12/2019 11:07

Would all the pp saying oh but I done this think it was ok if their 16 yr old SON was dating a woman of 21? Responses would be completely different, why is an adult having a secret relationship with a schoolgirl? All wrong.

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/12/2019 11:07

Age isn't just a number. A 16 year old brain is not fully mature.

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motherheroic · 22/12/2019 11:07

'Age is just a number'. Funny how this only seems to apply to men in their twenties/thirties getting with teenage girls.

How many of you were lusting after 16 year old boys at 23?

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EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/12/2019 11:13

Yes it’s down the girls being mature and men being immature Hmm

Mmm more often than not I think it’s men liking to take advantage of girls thinking they are mature

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Bluebutterfly90 · 22/12/2019 11:17

YANBU.
That's gross.
I would ask your kid to truly think about why this guy isn't interested in or can't find someone his own age.
It's not usually because your 16 year old is just so special and mature, its because he cant find a 21 year old who will put up with his shit.

Maybe I'm just a big interfering cow, but I would interfere.

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Skysblue · 22/12/2019 11:17

I know what you mean, but there is a possibility she’s just met someone she clicks with and they happen to be older. I know someone who met her future husband when she was 16, he was about 23 at the time, they’ve been happily married for decades 🤷‍♀️ Also 16 yr old boys are spotty and rubbish in bed, at 16 I’d much rather have been with an older guy!

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motherheroic · 22/12/2019 11:18

@EnthusiasmIsDisturbed I agree. A lot of teenage girls want to be seen as grown up and mature and older men will take advantage of that.

'You're so mature for your age' and 'I thought you were older when we first met'.

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EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/12/2019 11:21

Ok then but why does an adult feel they click with a child

I can understand it the other way being 16 many of us wanted to be taken more seriously wanted to be treated as an adult

But why does an adult want a child as a partner ?

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Busybusybust · 22/12/2019 11:21

I went out with a 21 year old when I was 16. My parents just made him welcome and bided their time. I was beginning to realise what a twat he was when he dumped me as he'd realised he wasn't going to get into my knickers!

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AriadneCrete · 22/12/2019 11:24

When we were 16, my best friend had a 22 year old boyfriend. At the time we thought it was absolutely fine but we both now look back with horror.

I think it's weird and very wrong. I would be worried too, OP. I would also be thinking why does a 21 year old man want to have a 16 year old girlfriend?

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Mammyloveswine · 22/12/2019 11:28

At 16 I had a 25 year old boyfriend...makes me cringe now but we were together for 3 years..I then outgrew him.

He was very "young" for his age didn't look it though

He's now 40 and is very happily expecting a baby with a woman closer in Age to him!

My husband is 3 years older than me but if I were single now I'd probably look for an older man Grin

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GothMummy · 22/12/2019 11:31

Hmmm.. As a mother now my knee jerk reaction is that it is wrong. But when I was 16, and in my first year of 6th form I had a boyfriend who was 26. The experience was entirely fine and happy and I was treated with great respect and even moved in with him for a bit until I wanted different things in life a year later. We are still friends now in our 40s. At the time most of my friends had boyfriends who were in their 20s. My gut feeling is that this would not be considered OK now as public opinion has changed. Tricky one OP, just keep talking to your child though.

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user1498572889 · 22/12/2019 11:41

I was 16 when I met my boyfriend 22. 39 years later we are still together.

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Cacklingmags · 22/12/2019 12:13

She is a child and he is a man. I would do my best to see him off without alienating her.

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Bananacake20 · 22/12/2019 12:14

When I was 16 I had a 21 year old boyfriend. We stayed together for 4 years in the end. I was mature for my age and he was quite immature so we kind of met in the middle and never took much notice of the age gap. My family were a bit unsure at first but soon accepted him. Could she arrange to bring him home to meet you? It may help if you can see what he's like/how they are together. Although I will admit, my niece is 16 and for some reason I hate the thought of her being with a 21 year old even though I did it myself and it was fine Confused think it all depends on their maturity levels really

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lullapalooza · 22/12/2019 12:23

I had just turned 16 when I started going out with a 24 year old. He had his own car, a house and a job in London (commuted back to our midlands town at weekends). I was way more experienced sexually than him. After a year or so I dumped him, as I'd met someone else. It wasn't until I reached the age of 24 that I realised how weird it was that he wanted to go out with me....he'd often pick me up from school on a Friday afternoon. Vom.

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motherheroic · 22/12/2019 13:22

@Bananacake20 You hate the thought of your niece doing it because clearly it's weird. Imagine a 16 year old being more mature than a man in his 20's. It's pathetic really.

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JamieVardysHavingAParty · 22/12/2019 13:53

I remember friends having older boyfriends when I was a teen. At the time, it seemed a bit weird, but I was willing to take it on trust that it was all about the click between them.

But in retrospect, I feel viscerally nauseated, because I would never want to date a "mature 16 year old". Those men weren't going out with my friends for their articulacy and intellectual discussion. They were going out with my friends for their easily molded minds, their tendency to defer to a more authoritative partner. Women their own age wouldn't take that shit.

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Inferiorbeing · 22/12/2019 14:00

I would be more concerned you havent met him! At 16 my DP was 20, but 6 years later we are still together, own a house and get married next year. BUT due to the age gap he was very conscious of my parents and spent a lot of time around our house and ensured that they knew he was genuine.

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Deadposhtory · 22/12/2019 14:28

So where has op gone?

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Bananacake20 · 22/12/2019 15:51

@motherheroic I was mature at 16 due to a very difficult past before then which made me grow up quickly. I was financially independent at 16 and way way more mature than anyone my age at the time. He was probably about 19 maturity wise which isn't exactly far off his actual age of 21. As I said it depends on maturity. It wouldn't feel comfortable if it was my niece as she most definitely has the maturity of her own age. However I was different. I've known teenagers with jobs, homes, children and cars and I've known 35 year olds who live with their parents and have none of that.

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motherheroic · 22/12/2019 16:18

@Bananacake20 At the end of the day no matter how mature a sixteen year old is, they are still sixteen. Being mature doesn't automatically age them up and make them adults. That's just my opinion anyway.

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BlaueLagune · 22/12/2019 16:21

I had a fling with a 26 year old when I was 19.

I was quite happy - girls of that age often prefer older guys.

I will say however, that he decided to go out with a 23 year old instead - and it was to do with age - well that was what he told me anyway! So if it that was true, he obviously felt a bit uncomfortable.

And 19 is different to 16.

But when I was 23 I met my now husband and he was 32. Had I met him when I was 16, eyebrows would have been raised Grin

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JKScot4 · 22/12/2019 16:52

Can I again ask how would pp feel if it was their 16 yr old SON with a 21 yr old woman? I think the answers would be very different.

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Teagoanngoanngoann · 22/12/2019 16:53

It depends on the 16 year olds personality. I met a man at 16 who was 26. I was 16 going on 40.. alot older in the head than alot of my friends. We didnt know the age gap when we first met. We just clicked. It turned out i was his first GF ... he acted alot younger than 26 so we got on fine. I ended it with him after 18months. My next BF turned out to be 28. Again we didnt realise the gap. I looked and acted older and we didnt ask about age etc until a few months down the line. We have been together now for 28 years and still get on like a house on fire. Age is just a number. Its how people treat each other and feel for each other that counts

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