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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is OH uncaring?

40 replies

toggenberg · 21/12/2019 19:05

Hi, my first post.
Don`t know if this was an over reaction or not.

This afternoon I noticed two men trying the doors to a shed which is locked and is owned by neighbours who are away just now.
I told OH who was reading something on his phone in the lounge.
He told me that this had happened before and that he had confronted two men there the week before. They had threatened him (verbally) and he told them he would call the police as it was someone else`s property. They then ran off.

He told me there wasnt any point in doing anything today as we didnt `know if these men were doing anything wrong or not and did not want to confront them anyway.

I said I would go and speak to them and he told me to "go on then" and returned to his phone.

They had gone by the time I reached the shed, but I was annoyed with my OH for appearing so unconcerned with my possible safety, even if they had only used threatening language.

AIBU?

OP posts:
hellcarryingahandbag · 21/12/2019 19:12

YABprecious

TheNewSchmoo · 21/12/2019 19:14

Are you a 50s housewife in other ways too?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/12/2019 19:16

Surely if you were that concerned about your safety you'd never have gone?

flyingchip · 21/12/2019 19:17

he told u what they were like and you chose to go out anyway, presumably he figured you had made the decision u could handle them.

Havaina · 21/12/2019 19:17

On the back of this one incident, I'd say YABU. Maybe he thought you were hinting for him to go and it annoyed him?

Were you testing him? If you wanted him to go, you should have asked!

YahooGmail · 21/12/2019 19:19

Well I presume you would be annoyed he forbid you from doing something too?

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2019 19:19

Yes of course you're being unreasonable!

What was he supposed to do? Lock you in the house?

You're a free thinking adult and made your own choice, just as he did when he confronted them.

What did the police say?

Brigante9 · 21/12/2019 19:20

My DH would have gone out to arrest them (yes, this happened, he’s a po).He would have never allowed me to to confront them, not because I’m a 50s housewife, but he would worry that I’d be hurt.

WorraLiberty · 21/12/2019 19:22

He would have never allowed me to to confront them

So what would he have done? Locked you indoors?

And how does one person arrest two people at a time? Ask one to stand still nicely, while he politely puts a pair of cuffs on his mate?

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 21/12/2019 19:24

I think he was probably a bit frightened because he had already confronted them - so it was easier to feign indifference.

Karwomannghia · 21/12/2019 19:25

Neither me or my dh would be comfortable with me confronting 2 dodgy men. Don’t do it in future. Was he just calling your bluff?

Lindy2 · 21/12/2019 19:27

I'd have expected my DH to come out with me too. Safety in numbers etc. I don't think that's an unreasonable expectation at all.

Original poster
toggenberg · 21/12/2019 19:30

Yes, I guess I AM something of a 50s housewife!
I just reacted badly to his indifference as he said he wouldnt want to confront them himself again but didnt ask me not to go.

Ok that does sound precious of me, reading it back...

OP posts:
Yetanotherwinter · 21/12/2019 19:45

There’s no way my hubby would want me going and confronting someone like that. He would go himself. I don’t it’s 50’s housewife like, it’s just being protective. He does sound indifferent.

ShawshanksRedemption · 21/12/2019 19:53

YANBU your DH should've gone out with you, or you should've phoned the police.

I'd phone the non emergency police or your PCSOs and ask for advice should you seen this again if you're not sure how to proceed in future @toggenberg.

Howdidido · 21/12/2019 20:13

I think anyone (Male or female) would go with you unless they felt very strongly you shouldn't go, or were scared. In either case they would be an arse not to go
I don't think its 50s housewife. I think it works the other way. I wouldn't want DH to approach two men alone if I'd been threatened by them before

FloorLamp · 21/12/2019 20:18

I'm more surprised that he doesn't care that people are trying doors. Would he be saying the same if you get home one day to discover you've been robbed? Why not just report it to the police?

I hope if the neighbours see someone trying your doors they don't ignore it!

Does anyone give a fuck about anything any more?

TooMuch87 · 21/12/2019 20:32

I think it's actually very uncaring of you to try and guilt trip your partner into going out and confronting two men who have previously threatened him and who are probably up to no good.

I also don't think you're more physically vulnerable in this situation just because you're female. Men like that would probably be more likely to beat up another man (particularly one who's previously antagonised them) than they would be to beat up a woman.

jamdhanihash · 21/12/2019 20:37

Why were you wanting to put yourself and your OH in danger when he's told you what happened before? Why couldn't you empathise with him? Or is he supposed to be Big Strong Man?

Elieza · 21/12/2019 20:38

I’d notify the police now of the incidents. That way they may keep an eye on things.

I wouldn’t put myself or DH in harms way. You don’t know what those people are capable of. A “hoy, what you doing. Get to the fuck away from my shed, I’m phoning the polis” shouted from a top window may help but this them identifies you are being the nosey one who called the police (if they subsequently get caught) and your house could be targeted for a brick through the window or something.
Polis are the best way forward.

MoonlightMistletoe · 21/12/2019 21:04

Why would you go out there ? If you thought someone was committing a crime you'd call the police.

Ponoka7 · 21/12/2019 21:09

You were potentially putting your DH in danger.

Confronting them is of no use, if they are determined to get into the shed, they will do. Is there a bike etc in there?

Have you any way of getting in touch with your neighbour?

sleepingkat2020 · 21/12/2019 21:10

YABU. so its ok for him to approach them but not you? why is that? Are you uncaring to DH?

EvaHarknessRose · 21/12/2019 21:36

He was scared and you were putting him in a position of doing 'the expected thing' - he chose to look uncaring rather than scared I think. And there is nothing wrong with being scared, especially having recently had an incident with them.

Original poster
toggenberg · 22/12/2019 06:22

I didnt expect him to confront them really, but I stupidly saw red at them interfering with someones property. Luckily they had gone by the time I got there.

I would not have wanted him to get in any danger, (neither of us are young either) but his lack of concern when I said I (foolishly I know) was going out there and just telling me to go on then, instead of telling me I was an arse and to sit down again made me a bit upset. He hadn`t looked up from his game on his phone, even when I returned.

I only felt peeved when I arrived back home and thought about it.
Am not usually one for dramatic actions either.
We did phone the police afterwards but of course they could not help as the men had gone.

OP posts:
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