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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL anxiety over gifts

38 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 21/12/2019 17:08

MIL rings me when then rest of the family is out about specific presents for me, DH and the DC. I'm really not sure. She told me she needs to know an exact thing, to stop the worrying of not getting it right.

I get this every year. I'm not sure why it is so hard just to get something and it not being 'right'. It stresses me out and makes me wonder if I should so the same

OP posts:
TheWorldturnedUpsideDown · 21/12/2019 17:10

Many people give out lists for this reason...

I'd be very happy to be asked for a list. Why not issue her with a list!!

Drum2018 · 21/12/2019 17:12

Just tell her what to get. Why have her stressed out trying to think of things you may like and ending up giving you something you'll never use?

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 21/12/2019 17:12

But what is the point? Why not just go and get it yourself? There is no fun and spontaneity in this

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 21/12/2019 17:13

I just said socks maybe and then it was which ones, which shop? argh

OP posts:
OceanSunFish · 21/12/2019 17:14

I agree OP. A present doesn't have to be perfect, it's just a nice thing. I hate providing lists etc.

As this is stressing you out can you ask DH to speak to her instead of you?

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 21/12/2019 17:16

Well she waits till they are out to speak to me on my own. So not really! I don't know what to get them either to be honest.

OP posts:
lisag1969 · 21/12/2019 17:17

She may suffer with anxiety and along with that sometimes the fear of getting things wrong and being embarrassed about it. Give her a break, at least she buys you something. X

granadagirl · 21/12/2019 17:17

I suppose that way, she’s not looking around for ages and not the anxiety of it being what they’d use/play with. And she’d rather have them something they would like/enjoy/use.
Also good for you/kids as that way your all going to get what you will like.
I would, instead of something you won’t use, wear etc
And you know exactly what shop will have it, so no shopping around not knowing what your looking for!!

funmummy48 · 21/12/2019 17:19

I usually handover a list of ideas for anyone who asks and just say "choose me something from the list". Problem solved.

MadameButterface · 21/12/2019 17:19

It’s better to buy something that will be right than something that will end ip in landfill or whatever. My mum is very like this and it’s because she grew up poor as a child and then when my sister and me were small we were also not well off so at christmas most gifts were things that were needed anyway. There was no waste or buying for the sake of buying. Now she does it partly as a hangover from that i think and also partly because she knows that i have a very small house that gets cluttered to fuck in the blink of an eye so she’s trying to be respectful of that. So she will for eg ring and ask ‘what shall i get ds’ i’ll say something like jamas or a onesie, and she’ll ring back and say would he prefer a monkey onesie or a poo emoji onesie (this is a real conversation we had the other week btw), and i know it’s because she hates waste and clutter and consumption for the sake of it, so I don’t mind too much even if internally i’m think ffs idk whatEVER

SageRosemary · 21/12/2019 17:26

@granadagirl and @MadameButterface have expressed it perfectly.

What about suggesting a family present that you could all enjoy - like a theatre token or a Zoo ticket - one stop shop for her

SurpriseSparDay · 21/12/2019 17:28

Has she left it till now to ask?

That would be stressful for both of you!

Next year send her a list at the start of November - latest.

sandragreen · 21/12/2019 17:32

Tell her DH is in charge of Christmas presents this every year and she needs to speak with him. Problem solved.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 21/12/2019 17:32

Personally, I'd rather issue a clear instruction so everyone was happy, than force someone else to have to guess what I might like and risk wasting time, money and stress on something that is fine but I already have one, or its not to my taste, etc. She's obviously very anxious about getting it wrong - can't you just put her out of her misery? There must be something (a new dressing gown, tickets to a local attraction, books, new trainers for PE, SOMETHING) that you know your kids need.

I can see that it's annoying that your MIL assumes that, as the female, are the one she needs to talk to (why not ask her son, FFS?) but that's a different rant.

FinallyHere · 21/12/2019 17:44

DSis is brilliant about this. She always seems to know just what anyone might want, so is often applied to. I used to think it was a superpower but having watched carefully, she does talk to lots of people.

Listens out for clues and is prepared when people ask her. If she doesn't know, she will ask in a very general way so is ready and prepared to be asked. And can be trusted to mention things that are actually wanted rather than what you 'ought to have' as my mother used to do.

It's a great help to ease and harmony in the family

halcyondays · 21/12/2019 17:48

Perhaps she’s read all the MN threads of people complaining about how people gave them awful gifts and wants to get something people will actually like rather than waste her money on unwanted gifts.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/12/2019 17:50

I think you're being a bit mean. I get serious anxiety over gift giving over Christmas. I think so hard over what to get people but I find it so difficult.

ragged · 21/12/2019 17:51

I am an ungrateful git & don't like much. Would much prefer to give a list with range of items to choose from.

CycleWoman · 21/12/2019 17:59

My Mum does this and it does drive me a bit mad as not only do I have to consider what to buy for DH and kids, I also have to think of extra things for her to buy. It has to be specific as well, like X jumper from Y shop in Z size (I can’t just say, oh DH would probably like a jumper). (on a more annoying note every year she does her shopping so late she has to have them delivered to me and I inevitably end up collecting them from the post office too).

I think it’s something to do with how people see gifts. My Mum can’t fathom why people would buy her a set of bath stuff or a box of chocolates as she won’t use them. If I get something I don’t really or would normally use I don’t mind (have a cupboard full of Sanctuary bath stuff in my bedroom!).

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/12/2019 18:05

Maybe she’s read the threads on here after Christmas where plenty moan what their husband, MIL etc was wrong, awful etc.

How hard is it to give a list or an item?

TheWorldturnedUpsideDown · 21/12/2019 18:09

I am not a fan of lists.

However I'll ask my dd if they want them then when older and so surprises as well.

However in this circumstances, she's so upset why not just do a list!!

Help the poor woman out!

My goodness we get asked and then it's used as excuse to beat us with.

I'd love an honest open person to actually ask us...

Just be kind op.

We don't know if she's loaded, conscious of cocking up and just wants to do the right thing.

I have a friend who asks me what to get but then never does or never refunds me.

Every year I say money!!

Chocltate

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 21/12/2019 18:14

I get it OP, not only do I have to think what I need to buy, I get numerous relatives asking me too. Although sometimes they don't and 1 year DCs got pyjamas from 3 different relatives on top of the ones I had bought so it does make sense. I hardly get any surprises either as I seem to have to tell people what to buy me.

ElbasAbsentPenis · 21/12/2019 18:17

My mum’s like this. I would honestly rather not have Christmas at all than have her forcing her weird insecurities on me for weeks and months beforehand. Wanting to know exactly what everyone wants (colour, style, size, shop, etc) then questioning whether they really want it or whether I’m just fobbing her off, then not buying the things I’ve advised her to buy because she doesn’t think they’re special enough, leaving it too late to buy the things because she’s worked herself into such a lather about it, then going on for ages about how inadequate she feels for not having bought masses of presents / the right ones / etc, how she’s ruined Christmas and is a terrible mother, etc. Yes, she does have anxiety. She needs to get some fecking professional help for it, and not put it all on me.

katewhinesalot · 21/12/2019 18:17

I'd hate to spend money on something that isn't liked. Money is too important to waste it. I'd not want to spend ££££ on something without a list. Ok for a few stocking filler type things but not a main present.

SpeedofaSloth · 21/12/2019 18:17

This is where Amazon wish lists are useful. (The one I compile for the kids includes things offline, including the bricks and mortar shop where MIL could buy them.)
I pop things on as the kids mention bits through the year.