AIBU to want DH to pick his present to me?

[HuggedTrees]

I do all the Christmas present shopping for all family on both sides/kids and friends etc. It’s what I love doing and choose to and it works out with free time/jobs so for me it’s not a chore and something I look forward to. So I am not a put upon wife in that sense.
I have given DH some ideas over the last few months, he hasn’t given me any ideas so I’ve bought him his Christmas presents. Today he asks me what I want, says there is no point in buying me something I don’t want, and it’s better for me to tell him and get something I want. So I gave him a few ideas and he said he hasn’t got time to research them and is a bit annoyed that 4 days before Christmas I have got his present and he can’t get what he wants now as I’ve bought him a few little things.
AIBU to be sad that he can’t think of something that he might think I would like rather than me coming up with the idea for him?
I absolutely love thinking of what to buy people and the enjoyment people get from things, and this year is the first year since a pay increase we have been able to really treat friends and family so I’ve been enjoying it. So now he’s spending all day trying to find something on prime which I’ll see as I use the prime account, he doesn’t have one when we were going Christmas food shopping.
Might go and have a cry in the shower.

Are you me?! My husband did pretty much this. Even asked me to order something online for him to then give me as my present . It’s ridiculous. And I don’t know the answer, sorry.

"I'm not choosing my own gift. Fuck off. " Should sort it.

My husband is the same, his only job at Christmas is to buy my gifts. Which he does but only really after I’ve told him what to get me. In fairness I’m not really into surprises and he knows this (plus any surprise he has got me in the past has been a bit hit and miss). But your husband has been particularly unreasonable to leave it until 4 days before Christmas to ask you what you want if he had no ideas of his own. He only has himself to blame for the lack of time to research!

Plus he seems quite ungrateful by sulking about not getting what he wants...if he wanted something so badly why didn’t he tell you when you first spoke about presents?

Maybe I am. It’s stupid how much this has upset me. In every other way he is loving and attentive and does his share of housework etc, we’re equals. Also stupid in for the first time if I want something nice I can go and buy it for myself now. I had sent him links for bracelets that were £30 etc just because I liked them. Now he’s going to be spending all day going shopping in the city just for the sake of it and I’d rather he just didn’t bother now and stay here.

Why can’t he order the bracelets you want? Ok it hasn’t shown much thought but at least you get a gift that you like. Next day delivery should still get most things to you before Christmas.

Does he buy you a birthday present? He doesn't sound loving or attentive to me, sounds like a selfish knob

My DMil does this to me
3days before Xmas. I should buy something I want wrap it and bring it over to her house.
But I prefer this to receiving something like a rice cooker or a new pan. 🤷‍♀️

My DH hasn't done anything for me. He hasn't even asked me what I would like (he may have done the years previously). Normally, I buy a couple of presents for myself for him to wrap up on Christmas Eve as a pretence for the kids' sake. I haven't bothered this year so if the kids wonder why he hasn't got me anything, now they'll know the truth.

Sorry for all the crap husbands out there! 😥

Sorry for that @Aurea definitely buy yourself something nice, but don’t wrap it up from him for the kids, let him explain that but don’t you miss out.
It’s coming from a place that he genuinely would prefer to get me something I like, he doesn’t like surprises. I did tell him a week ago if he didn’t tell me what he wanted I would choose as I wasn’t leaving it until the last minute. He’s now sending me links asking if I like it, when I say yes, he’s not believing me. It’s more that I would much rather just unwrap something on Christmas Day and see it then than via an internet link texted to me asking “this one?”.

Bracelet was an Etsy one so don’t think it’ll come in time, I’ll order it for myself without the option to personalise it anyway.

YABU

• you’ve been together for a while
• how much initiative has he shown wrt being creative?
• guys don’t read minds (most, just don’t - just not wired like that)
• stop hinting and start telling him what you want, less disappointment

Now neither of you is happy:

• You because you are not likely to get your dream / desired present
• Him, because he is not likely to be able to make you happy

Don’t feel that you might be being unreasonable or that it’s stupid to feel the way you do. You’re entirely justified. What the fuck is he playing at asking for ideas four days before Christmas then complaining he’s not got the time he wants to choose something? And who the fuck does he think he is, being annoyed at you?! You’re the only one who has got grounds to be annoyed here. He should be feeling bloody awful.

I’d be inclined to tell him to shove his present, as anything he bought now would be spoiled and just make you remember that he couldn’t be bothered to do one nice little thing for you without making you do all the legwork. Then take his presents back and get your money back.

Other elderly relatives do this, they send us money in advance and ask us to go out and buy something we want and wrap it, so they can see us open it on Christmas Day. I’m fine with this and it gives them happiness to do this. So I’m already picking presents for me, I’m just asking for one surprise 😂 kids don’t keep surprises of what they buy they are so excited to get you things!
I a, sounding rather spoilt in demanding a present and surprise.

@andyjusthangingaround I’ve not said I want a dream present. Honestly, I would be happy with a cheap item/a nice houseplant /anything. If I wanted something specific I would buy it for myself, it’s more the thought that someone has put some thought into what you would like and bought it for you. So if he came home with nothing but a giant poinsettia thinking I’ve always wanted a ridiculously sized one, then I would think it was the best present ever etc.
I didn’t just drop hints, I sent him a message saying if you’re stuck for ideas, I like the bracelets from this seller with a link. But why should I give ideas/drop hints anyway?

I think your DH is a bit disorganised but his heart seems to be in the right place. Have you read the languages of love? Seems relevant. You do gifts, but maybe he does one of the others.

YABU. No you’re not.
- you’ve been together for a while And...? Is there an expiry date on niceness?
- how much initiative has he shown wrt being creative? Are you serious? My DH is the least creative man I’ve ever met. Every Christmas I get a pile of bloody lovely presents. How much creativity does it take to simply notice the sort of things your spouse likes?
- guys don’t read minds (most, just don’t - just not wired like that) Women don’t read minds either. It’s not a talent that gets handed out with vaginas. And yet, she’s managed to buy him things she thinks he’d like. And it doesn’t take the ability to read minds to know that your spouse might like a Christmas present.
- stop hinting and start telling him what you want, less disappointment Or, and this might blow your mind, he could just open his fucking eyes and pay some fucking attention!
Now neither of you is happy:
- You because you are not likely to get your dream / desired present I suspect it’s more to do with having realised that her husband is selfish and lazy.
- Him, because he is not likely to be able to make you happy Or because he knows she thinks he’s selfish and lazy and hasn’t pretended he isn’t by buying and wrapping her own present.

The crucial thing here IMHO, is, what is he like the rest of the year?
If he is generally kind, thoughtful, helpful and loving, it maybe he is just rubbish at gifts? (I have one like this).
If he is a lazy, unkind, unhelpful, rude tosspot, there isn't a gift on the planet that would compensate for that.
We stopped doing Christmas gifts years ago after the plastic handbag and Marigold glove incident - don't ask.

The thing is, as you say , you really enjoy it. He might be one of those people who really doesn’t feel excited or inspired when he tries to think of presents for people.
Not that I’m trying to make excuses for him, and I wish you could get the present you want in the way you want. But we’ve all got our strengths and weaknesses.
Do you feel loved generally?

Is he this last minute with everything?

andyjusthangingaround

It's that sort of shit that keeps men in the cradle and pandered to. They can bloody we'll learn like everybody else.

I'd rather DH sought ideas from me for what I would like than guessed. He usually does, though he knows that I am happiest with vouchers these days and the opportunity to choose for myself. He does do the occasional surprise, but nothing that bothers me. I am happy with just a bit of thought and Christmas Dinner in the local hotel restaurant 5 minutes walk away.

My DH has never bought me a present - he says I'm fussy and impossible to buy for so I just order something I want sometime in December.

We have a small budget with each other and it's a complete surprise to the other person. Neither of us are too fussed about what it is, the fun part is opening it!

DH for all intents and purposes is a shite gift giver to everyone, but he knows its the thought (and effort!) that counts for me so he will go out and get me something of his own accord.

It’s stupid how much this has upset me.

No, it isn't!

I think presents and the emotions tied up with them are very complex and at Christmas that goes double.

I'm the opposite. I HATE surprises, I really do not like getting things I don't want (or would have liked if it were the colour/style I'd actually prefer etc). It actively upsets me, not because I am a total diva but because it takes me right back to childhood Christmases, especially as a teen, opening presents that had clearly had zero thought put into them and that anyone who knew me even vaguely would never buy from a crappy family.

So I make sure I have a list, it is usually small and not expensive and it is stuck to where DH/kids is concerned and I'm happy. Because some of this is not about the present but about feeling that the people closest to you 'get' you - the best present of all.

Once you realise that I think you can save this. Recognise what's making you upset and decide to acknowledge it and turn it into a positive. Sit down with him and chat through why you're upset - it's not about presents but about emotions. Then, for this year ONLY, sit with him and look at bracelets and choose, try and get him to say which ones he likes etc. Then make a plan for this to not happen again and propritise that plan because it's not about material things but about relationships.

I do get where your coming from because dp is the same. He thinks hes being nice by making sure I get something I want but it would be nice if he just thought of 1 thing he thinks I might like.

My dh is useless too. For many years he has always been apologetic and says he doesnt know what to buy me so he buys nothing. Last year he was so proud of himself when he gave me a gift. I opened it and looked at it and then him and asked "Are you serious?" It was a Christmas soap. I am allergic to soaps and have been since I was about 7! Needless to say it was regifted. I would rather he bought nothing than waste money on a useless gift. I still cant work out why he bought it.

He is absolutely lovely and kind and thoughtful the rest of the year. He says he knows me so well if he gets me something I don’t like, I’ll say I like it but he can tell and that makes him sad. I told him he could buy me a £6 garden gnome from the garden centre and I might be initially surprised but I would love that it was from him. He still wants to buy me something I want and in his mind that’s me telling him. Apparently he wanted a coat, but I said I had asked that and if he didn’t try them on/tell me which one and a size it wasn’t something I could magic up.
You’re right about it being about emotions not the present. It is that I wonder why he can’t just see something and think I’ll like that, I like buying things for others and just wanted one present for me that I hadn’t organised. Surely that’s a nice thing that I say I like something and he’s never bought me anything that I don’t like so I’ve no idea where that’s from. He always thinks that if he tried on sunglasses and he asks what I think and I genuinely like them then he thinks I don’t.