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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another Christmas relatives one...

32 replies

WeGoHigh · 21/12/2019 11:38

My first AIBU (sorry in advance for the length but don’t want to drip feed) but I have no idea what to do so here goes...

Every year DM hosts Christmas for her parents, her two siblings and their partners and kids, me, DSis and DB and kids. Big family Christmas and she wouldn’t want/allow it to be any other way.

Me and DSis had a spectacular falling out about 9 months ago and we haven’t spoken since. The actual argument was over something very minor, but I haven’t spoken to her since because I’m just utterly fed up of her treating everyone awfully and there never being any consequences (think borrowing large sums of money from family who can’t afford to lend it and then never repaying, dropping out of commitments last minute and leaving people stuck, screaming fits when people won’t drop everything to give her lifts etc).

She sent me a huge pile of abuse (really horrible stuff) about four months ago and then blocked me and that is literally the only contact we’ve had. Everyone else in the family is pretending nothing has happened (DB and DM are also sick of her behaviour but would prefer to not cause a fuss) and now obviously Christmas is in a few days and I’m facing spending it on my own 200 miles away.

I know it’s not fair to ask DM to choose between us but the thought of my sister getting to spend the day with our niece and nephew while I sit at home is horrible. She treats my DM abysmally and all I’ve tried to do is stick up for her. The rest of the family are also blaming me for causing a rift (I’ve tried really hard not to cause a fuss around Christmas but they obviously know we’re not speaking) and my DM keeps asking why I can’t just come anyway.

I know Christmas is just one day and it doesn’t really matter, but I’m so upset about it all. I do so much for my family, and DSis won’t even have got a present for our niece and nephew. I know there isn’t an easy solution but AIBU to feel a bit let down?

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 21/12/2019 11:57

I don't really understand why you are not going and who you think has let you down, tbh. It sounds like it has been your choice to spend Christmas alone rather than go to be with your family.

Original poster

WeGoHigh · 21/12/2019 12:08

You’re right it has been my choice, nobody’s told me I’m not welcome. But I can’t face sitting round the table with someone who sent me a pile of abusive messages and pretending it’s fine. Other option is to go and not speak to her but that then creates an atmosphere that’s not really fair on everybody else

OP posts:

HugoSpritz · 21/12/2019 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NellNorth · 21/12/2019 12:16

You will really please your sis, by staying away. Is that what you want?
It’s sounds like there will be heaps of people there- just go, and blank her. And be the life and soul of the party to everyone else- that will really irritate her😉

Babyroobs · 21/12/2019 12:17

I would just go and ignore her. It sounds like there will be so many people there that you should be able to get away with barely speaking to her unless you are both staying over and need to share a room or something ?

fedup21 · 21/12/2019 12:20

Sounds like you wanted your mum to uninvited your sister and she hasn’t.

Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face l-just go.

DryHeaving · 21/12/2019 12:20

Do your friends know you will be on your own ? I understand how you feel. You are just supposed to put up with it but there comes a breaking point and you have reached yours

woodchuck99 · 21/12/2019 12:22

You are being really childish OP. Not speaking to your sister for months over a very minor argument and then sitting at home for Christmas by yourself is not a very adult way to behave. All you will be doing is upsetting your family more. If your sister treats them badly it is up to them to say something, not you. If loads of people are there, I doubt that they will be much interested in the atmosphere between you and your sister.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/12/2019 12:22

OP you go,stick a big smile on your face and chill with the family.Say HI Sis and then keep away from her and be with the other family. You fake it and ignore. There is no need for you not to go.Do not let her win by separating her family cos you will be the loser sat at home and she will be bold as brass laughing at you.. Go on big girl pants you are off to see your parents not her she is just there....You can do this.You will regret not going and you never know she might have mellowed and grown up and want to apologize....probably not but if your not there you won;t know..... if she is nothing to you then treat her like it and ignore...all will be well!

slipperywhensparticus · 21/12/2019 12:26

Fuck it if no one else will call her out on her behaviour they arnt worth your time

Magpiefeather · 21/12/2019 12:34

Agree with this ^

I would go and just be civil to your sister , be nice to everyone else and have a good time.

Bearing a grudge is all well and good but if you don’t go it’ll hurt you and your other family members more than it will your sister.

OlaEliza · 21/12/2019 12:37

Go and front her out more. Make her feel like she's the one causing the atmosphere. She probably won't but why should you be ostracised?

Wineislifex · 21/12/2019 12:43

If you stay away she’ll think she’s won. Go, enjoy it, it sounds like there will be plenty other people for you to speak to other than her!

Original poster

WeGoHigh · 21/12/2019 13:01

Thanks everyone, there will be plenty of people there and we won’t have to share a room or anything.

@fedup21 you’re right, I think I did sort of want my sister to be uninvited, even though I know that’s unreasonable.

@DryHeaving I’ve told one friend, she and her DP are going away so she’s offered me their house for a few days if I want a change of scenery!

OP posts:

PowerslidePanda · 21/12/2019 13:55

I agree with the others - you should go and ignore her. What if this argument rumbles on for years - you'd never spend Christmas with your family again? Plus, PP is right that she would prefer you didn't go (given the timing of the abusive messages, I wouldn't be surprised if they were intended to achieve exactly that result) - so if you don't go, it's yet another example of her getting her own way at somebody else's expense.

Wonkydonkey44 · 21/12/2019 13:57

I’d go and front it out . No way would I not be with my family because of her hopefully she will embarrass herself in front of everyone .

LizB62A · 21/12/2019 14:15

I've got a toxic sister too so I sympathise - just go and ignore her for as long as you can.
I know it sounds childish, but if you don't go then she wins as she's pushed you out

Grumpelstilskin · 21/12/2019 14:38

It's not about winning though. It's about having a non-stressful time without all the drama and not having to spend it with someone so toxic. Personally, I would stay away because it will be tense and likely to escalate by your account of your sister. While you cannot force your family to take sides, they don't get to emotionally blackmail you if you decide to not put yourself through a horrible time because then they are taking sides. You don't have to ease their bad conscience to the detriment of yourself. No, of course, your mum does not have to uninvite her but then she will have to accept that you are not comfortable there. That's on them. I'd take up the offer of your friend and have a lovely peaceful time.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 21/12/2019 15:00

Go and be civil otherwise your sister “wins” go and show her you’re not bothered by her. Why should you loose out because she’s awful?

Original poster

WeGoHigh · 21/12/2019 15:50

@Grumpelstilskin that’s part of why I’m upset, I keep getting phone calls from various family members telling me I’m being petty and spiteful and to just apologise to my sister and move on and we can have a lovely Christmas. No mention of the fact she called me every name under the sun then blocked me...

For the past three Christmases she’s booked a holiday abroad and I was really hoping that’d be the case this year, but it’s not. I think my gut instinct is to go to my friend’s lovely house and have a chilled day and then travel up on Boxing Day to see family.

OP posts:

Annebronte · 21/12/2019 16:42

I think I’d go, or your sister might feel that she’s able to drive you out. There’ll be enough people to ‘absorb’ the awkwardness.

Sn0tnose · 21/12/2019 16:46

I think I’d stay away. It’s not just a petty argument. It’s over a sustained pattern of unacceptable behaviour. If she could be relied upon to either be civil or to avoid you, then I’d say go, but she sounds like causing a scene at the dinner table wouldn’t be beyond her. Are you up to dealing with all of your relatives demanding that you apologise to her simply to appease her?

Get yourself some lovely food and plan your perfect day at your friend’s house (and turn your phone off).

brassbrass · 21/12/2019 16:48

I'd go and ignore her. She will likely be ignoring you anyway but why should she deprive you of seeing your family? Why give her the satisfaction? She's only one person there will be plenty of other people to interact with.

Laiste · 21/12/2019 16:48

Being blunt, if you don't go the person you'll hurt the most is your mother.

You'll feel sad, your sister will be smug, your mum will be upset and the disagreement will be the talking point which no one will want to mention and will presumably have to be lied about if the youngsters ask where you are.

I'm not saying you should apologise to your sister. Just go, enjoy yourself and pretend she's invisible.

brassbrass · 21/12/2019 16:50

Yes to clarify you don't apologise no matter what any flying monkeys say.

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