Another Christmas relatives one...

[WeGoHigh]

My first AIBU (sorry in advance for the length but don’t want to drip feed) but I have no idea what to do so here goes...

Every year DM hosts Christmas for her parents, her two siblings and their partners and kids, me, DSis and DB and kids. Big family Christmas and she wouldn’t want/allow it to be any other way.

Me and DSis had a spectacular falling out about 9 months ago and we haven’t spoken since. The actual argument was over something very minor, but I haven’t spoken to her since because I’m just utterly fed up of her treating everyone awfully and there never being any consequences (think borrowing large sums of money from family who can’t afford to lend it and then never repaying, dropping out of commitments last minute and leaving people stuck, screaming fits when people won’t drop everything to give her lifts etc).

She sent me a huge pile of abuse (really horrible stuff) about four months ago and then blocked me and that is literally the only contact we’ve had. Everyone else in the family is pretending nothing has happened (DB and DM are also sick of her behaviour but would prefer to not cause a fuss) and now obviously Christmas is in a few days and I’m facing spending it on my own 200 miles away.

I know it’s not fair to ask DM to choose between us but the thought of my sister getting to spend the day with our niece and nephew while I sit at home is horrible. She treats my DM abysmally and all I’ve tried to do is stick up for her. The rest of the family are also blaming me for causing a rift (I’ve tried really hard not to cause a fuss around Christmas but they obviously know we’re not speaking) and my DM keeps asking why I can’t just come anyway.

I know Christmas is just one day and it doesn’t really matter, but I’m so upset about it all. I do so much for my family, and DSis won’t even have got a present for our niece and nephew. I know there isn’t an easy solution but AIBU to feel a bit let down?

I agree with everyone else. It's not fair to ask your parents to take sides and not invite one of you. Better to go, don't make a big thing about not speaking to her but try to sit far away from your sister as possible (sounds like this will be easy as there are lots of you). Don't apologise to her, but be civil if you speak to her.

Hold your head high and go, OP.

You should go. Be as natural as possible and if at all possible call a truce for the day. Of course there’s no need to apologise but you will come out looking and feeling the better person rather than refusing to go at all.

In such a big gathering you should be fine to keep away from one another. If anyone tries to discuss it say that it’s Christmas and even the soldiers in the Great War managed to call a truce for the day but no further discussion.

Unless you intend to be NC forever this is a good time to break the ice. You can remain LC and still have a family Christmas.

Get yourself over to the Stately Homes thread in Relationships.

You don’t have to do anything that makes you feel bad. Just because others feel uncomfortable with the situation and you are the one they can manipulate to make themselves feel better.

If you want a quiet stress free Christmas - have one. There’s 364 other days to have with you DM.

It does sound like a difficult situation and I sympathise with your disappointment at potentially losing our on the big family Christmas you usually enjoy. But I can’t see how you have been let down in this instance. I hope however this year pans out, you have a good Christmas.

I think you should go, only speak to your sister when necessary but otherwise politely ignore her. Otherwise she has 'won'. Go and have a nice time.

Do what you want to do.

You don't have to spend Christmas with a toxic person, even if your other family members have chosen to enable her.

You don't have to stay away from your extended family, if you decide that you want to spend time with them in spite of your sister being there.

You can choose to see your extended family at some other time if you want - just invite them for a different date.

It sucks that your extended family seem to be enabling your toxic sister and trying to convince you that you're the one causing the problem. Probably this kind of treatment is how your sister became the way she is. They have created a monster and now they're feeding it. Ultimately you may need to evaluate your relationship with all of them and keep your distance to some extent, because you can't fix the problems they have created, and it doesn't sound like they will treat you well or fairly. Cultivate the better people in your life instead.

If you don't go she will have a free rein to vent her spleen against you and blacken your name. If you do go be sweety sweet to her, it'll annoy her so much.