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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex giving DC this pile of trash.

55 replies

Notagainnnn · 21/12/2019 11:17

NC. Ex hasn't seen our kids in a very long time. DV them and me.
Court order says I have to give them his letters, cards and gifts.
So I did. Kids don't want these items anyway because of who sent them. But we open them to donate accordingly.

DC 12 gets a makeup bag, a handbag from Primark, a coffee set, short PJs, a very ugly childish sweater, a t-shirt with apple in French and another that would look nice if she was 3.

DC 10 gets two pairs of plain tracksuit bottoms from Tesco and a tshirt. Also gets a lynx set that is dog-eared.

DC 8 gets a lynx set that is that old the lynx branding has rubbed off completely and battered!! That is all.

One selection box between them that has been resealed with sticky tape and one galaxy bar that has obviously been hanging around as its in lots of pieces.

Items covered in dog hair.

Why bother? Why not send a card with an update in if they mean sod all? No letters ever come or cards.

Kids don't care, they are used to it by now, and are over it, but aibu to think you just don't fucking do that?

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 21/12/2019 16:42

Seriously though, don't get them to text or make FB posts if they don't usually and they're not legally required to, or it could become a sign that they want to increase contact. Family court seems to be literal sometimes.

lilmishap · 21/12/2019 16:42

I think they would prefer something sentimental that shows he may have changed
You sure it isn't you whos hoping for this?.
Getting something they actually want would be good, but they don't have that sort of Dad, they will either see it as 'he made the effort' or 'my Dads a wanker'.
He's their dad and you can't protect them from their relationship with him anymore then you have done.
YANBU in being angry on their behalf, I'd be wanting to throw poo at him from close range in your shoes.
BUT
YABU if you bring it up and make it an issue.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/12/2019 16:44

Do you literally just have to give them to the children? No stipulations that they must unwrap them? Next year I'd make a game of it. Blindfold them, put a bin a few feet away and the one who gets most crappy gifts in the bin first time wins a decent prize. (Not one of his gifts.)

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/12/2019 16:49

It's crap but thank God you're not waking up next to him. Who gets involved with a man with that history and sleeps soundly?

sophiajasmin · 21/12/2019 16:51

This reminds me of when my kids had parties and some of the gifts they got were like the ones you mention. Funny, often the biggest pile of trash would be from the parents who earned the most money. One year in particular my son got a sun hat age 18 months for his 5th birthday from the son of a senior teacher and business man in the school and then a very thoughtfully bought gift from the child of a young single mother who worked on the till at Morrisons

Ghostontoast · 21/12/2019 16:58

Send them back to him on his birthday!

MzHz · 21/12/2019 17:05

He’s using the gifts to hurt them.

Just take them straight to charity shop and ask them if they can use them/sell them etc.

If you don’t open them, he loses.

ManiacalLapwing · 21/12/2019 17:07

It's good that they can have a laugh about the situation. I would encourage them to share or swap depending on who wants what, and to take any unwanted gifts to the charity shop.

ginghamstarfish · 21/12/2019 17:11

Poor kids, but at least they won't be growing up with a rose-tinted view of him. Shame they even have to see this tat, and a pity you can't just chuck it beforehand.

sophiajasmin · 21/12/2019 17:13

Its probably better than him trying to buy tis way in to their affections

Aaarrgghhh · 21/12/2019 17:15

Oh god do not take pictures and post it to Facebook. I don’t care if it would shame the dad (it wouldn’t) it’sebarassing for the kids. Why do people suggest such stupid shit? They’ve opened them, don’t like them, donate or bin and move on. No point creating drama over it.

Awkward1 · 21/12/2019 17:23

Lynx charity shop or some sort of 3 for 2. He probably could remember age of 8yo.
The girl msuly have got more due to shopping for sdd.
I would have said min of £20 each amd instead
12 - £10 maybe
10 -£7
8 - probably free.

I can see buying thi gs they havent got /will be used/used up especially if he doesnt know what they already have. But at least an 8yo you could find a toy they might like.
As pp have said you could get better from a bithday party!
He may be regifting the lynx hes been given.
Does he pay maintenance? Some people get odd about paying twice and when they cant see the kids.

I definitely think money would be less disappointing for the eldest, i cant imagine ruining xmas day opening a load that you already had.

I do think men can be rubbish about presents
Forgetful
Disorganised
Never remember if bought already
Even dp suggestions to Gp are rather rubbish. He just likes loads of impractical stuff Q me in background saying - therell be water everywhere or it's a one trick pony etc.
We even had a duplicate, slightly different version of a toy we'd had for years and then had them both for years.
Dp is always late sorting anything so misses the posting times too.
Im sure some men are wonderful at all this but even judging by all the school stuff it's mostly the mums organising it. Or parties - getting other kids presents.

I guess in op situation with no contact there is no feedback/embarrassing from her or the kids so no reason to change

SitOnSantasKnee555 · 21/12/2019 17:28

How are DC about it? Genuinely laughing and shrugging it off...or brave face but you know underneath they're bothered...

I think it depends on which of those as to how you move forward

Original poster
Notagainnnn · 21/12/2019 17:32

We wouldn't ever put it on Facebook or contact him over it. No way. They and I wouldn't want him mistaking it for interest in him. I'm so glad they don't take it badly but the court process took over three years, they are just so happy to be free on him. It is embarrassing for them, I wouldn't want people knowing this either. I'm embarrassed for my ex. They don't really feel they are missing out, they have a step dad who is their dad to them and they have his name and he has PR so they are very secure and happy.

It is funny that his gf posted a photo of their Xmas tree with decorations on with my kids names on. Projecting this perfect family... Gives coffee set and lynx to 12 and 8 yr olds lol.

In regards to something sentimental or a letter. Right now they wouldn't give a monkeys. But feelings and curiosity change, and I have kept all past indirect contact that took place in the contact centres incase they change their mind. That's why I think they would prefer something of meaning. A makeup bag and lynx won't last long or be kept for save keeping.

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kateandme · 21/12/2019 17:38

if your latest update is right and he has no excuses for this then can smoeone actually be so cruel as to send shit gift to tell them how shit he means to them?letting them no and belittling their worth.
i would always be hurt by this no matter how much i said i wasnt.especially at that age.
love the idea of putting something really hyped and loving about it on fb.show the fucker has hasnt won.shame him.

CSIblonde · 21/12/2019 17:39

He's just done a sweep of stuff he had lying around or his new partner didn't want (handbag etc). How mean, was he that Jean when you were a couple? Mean with money usually equals mean in every other way IME. .

kateandme · 21/12/2019 17:43

just seen your update.screw what i said then.your all way better than me.

milliefiori · 21/12/2019 17:49

I'd be so tempted to let them onto his new family's glossy FB page and post high def images of the broken tat he sent them

QuestionableDanceMoves · 21/12/2019 17:52

I could’ve written this post myself!!
Two years in family court- him proclaiming he wants contact with DC aged 12 and 5, finally get a final order that supposedly suits him- 4 weeks after final order he moved over an hour away and cut all contact with DC (not that they’re particularly bothered)

This week a parcel came, in it was 5 gifts for each of the DC and each gift had come from Poundland so he’d spend £5 on each of them.
It’s not the amount of money he spent, it’s the total lack of consideration for how opening such tat would make the kids feel- he’s not broke either
Don’t know why he bothered other than it being a way to get at the kids- even though it was his choice to cut contact! So bizarre and I certainly don’t understand the motives

PicsInRed · 21/12/2019 18:02

That's so hurtful, favouritising and inappropriate that I would photograph each gift individually and also in groups making clear what each child reapectively received - and apply to the court to modify the order so that gifts no longer need to be passed on. Repeat for letters if that becomes an issue.

Whatdayisit2 · 21/12/2019 18:22

Suggest item specifics - send links to amazon or Argos. I have had Uk take that approach with relatives before who are likely to buy crap from the church sale if I don't take charge of it. Sometimes it's not just the thought that counts. So sad that that's what he thinks dc are worth Sad

Original poster
Notagainnnn · 21/12/2019 18:59

@Whatdayisit2 he and I do not communicate with each other anymore. Last time we talked was over two years ago to change names and get step dad PR. He didn't ask for an update just a photo. I gave him a few. He didn't ask anything about the photos or children so no info was offered. He doesn't care enough to ask obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notagainnnn · 21/12/2019 19:01

@QuestionableDanceMoves I'm sorry you're going through similar with your children. You're right it isn't about the money it is about the lack of thought and it is insulting. Nothing would have been better in my opinion and theirs.

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Original poster
Notagainnnn · 21/12/2019 19:04

This is the set my 8 yr old received.

Item was in a box so it wasn't battered in transit.

Ex giving DC this pile of trash.
OP posts:
Original poster
Notagainnnn · 21/12/2019 19:06

Try again

Ex giving DC this pile of trash.
OP posts: