To be so creeped out by this?

[Gingerninja01]

Fully prepared to be told how neurotic I'm being but just wondering if it's just me or if others would feel as uneasy about this.
Was in Tesco with toddler DD bagging up shopping at the checkout. A few people sitting on the chairs large supermarkets often have near the ends of checkouts for elderly people etc to sit on. Obviously am completely used to random people waving/smiling/commenting on DD as I'm sure most people with young kids are.
There was a middle aged man sitting on aforementioned seats who waved etc at DD, didnt think anything of it until I realised he literally wouldn't take his eyes off her, he had a strange grin on and literally his gaze would not be averted despite me quite obviously staring back at him. I turned DD away from him in the trolley so he could only see her back, but still he continued staring.

Then he gets his phone out while still staring at her. At this point I stopped bagging my shopping and stared at him very pointedly, he put his phone back in his pocket and looked away before resuming his staring. Surely if he was going to use his phone in an innocent capacity to make a call etc he would just do this rather than look shifty and put it away.
Anyway, pay for shopping and hurriedly leave.
As I'm going down the (annoyingly slow) travelator thing, this man gets up and follows. It's at this point I realise he a) has no shopping bags and b) wasnt waiting for anyone as I had presumed and was for some reason just hanging around the checkout staring at DD.
I got DD into the car and started putting the bags into the car as quickly as poss, when creepy man walks past really slowly.
Nothing actually happened, he didnt approach us, but the whole thing made me feel really uncomfortable. Maybe I should have told a security guard at the time but I felt a bit silly saying "someone looked at us". Ever since I've had this feeling of having had a near miss, I just had a feeling about this guy.
Would others feel equally creeped out or am I being crazy?

But the most chilling experience I had was in San Diego Zoo. We were looking though the glass at a lion or something, with DS who was 4 years old at the time. This lady started talking to us, she was middle aged and seemed quite kind and normal. I felt no creepy vibe at all. She took a picture of DS and asked him what his name was, etc which I thought was quite innocent if a bit intrusive. However, about 5 mins later we overheard her on her phone. She was saying. “His name is [DS’s name]... yes he’s 4 years old...” and other information about our DS. I have no idea what that was all about, but it scared me shirtless.

I can understand that, but perhaps she was looking for a missing child. Or a grandchild she had not seen since birth, given up for adoption or something.

His behaviour was way outside of social norms

You did the right thing to get away

belzalelle that’s unhelpful and precisely the reason so many people disregard other people’s feelings of discomfort. There is literally no evidence that this man was a ‘nonce’. You sound like you’re on a hysterical witch hunt.

OP found herself in a situation that unnerved her and couldn’t ignore his actions. She should report it to the supermarket as it may contribute to a bigger picture but ultimately he did nothing wrong and certainly nothing to categorise him as a nonce. People in the OP’s situation aren’t given serious consideration because people like you can’t control their disproportionate reactions.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine, well said.

but perhaps she was looking for a missing child. Or a grandchild she had not seen since birth, given up for adoption or something

Aaaannnddd here’s the other end of the scale; it’s highly unlikely that poster stumbled into a Daniella Steele novel either

😂 this is beyond ridiculous.

NEVER dismiss your gut feelings. Never.

So what if was really behind his attention? All that happened to him is that a woman with a child gave him a hard stare. All that happened to your daughter was you made a risk assessment and made a normal decision to do a little more to keep her safe from a potential threat.

I had a similar situation on a beach. My DDs were building a sandcastle. They weren't even in swimming costumes, but rather shorts and t-shirts. A man nearby, who was at the beach with a group including children, started acting oddly. He had his phone out - aimed at us - and was lying down 'asleep' with the phone tucked right under his hat.

I tried rationalising all the reasons he wasn;t a threat, but after a minute thought 'fuck that, I owe this man no kind of positive regard' and told DDs that we were going for ice cream to get them to move.

So here's a suggestion for you.
He was sat in the seats because he was waiting for someone. He glanced at DD. Maybe she reminded him of someone, maybe his mind was actually a million miles away and he was actually staring into space in her direction.
He checks his phone and discovers the person he was waiting for has missed him and gone back to the car.
He walks back to the car (if this is a normal supermarket car park, then this will mean he's pretty likely to be walking in the same direction as you. Or maybe he doesn't know where the person he's meeting is parked, hence the walking slowly.

The rest is just imagination. Your DD was never in any danger.

(Of course I have no idea what happened any more than anyone else does, but do think OP should just forget about it and stop worrying).

It is perfectly reasonable to react defensively to perceived threats.

Worst case scenario if OP was wrong: an innocent man got a few dirty looks off a woman he doesn't know.

Worst case scenario if OP is right: doesn't bear thinking about.

Risk/benefit analysis speaks for itself.

I tried rationalising all the reasons he wasn't a threat, but after a minute thought 'fuck that, I owe this man no kind of positive regard' and told DDs that we were going for ice cream to get them to move

Exactly. You did the right thing. Why stay there, in a situation that makes you uncomfortable and is potentially dangerous, trying to convince yourself that actually, there's no danger and everything is fine?

We, particularly women, are socialized so hard to be the caretakers of everyone else's feelings, that we somehow think unless you are 100% sure that someone is a threat, you should not act, even to remove yourself from a situation. I mean, what if you hurt the stranger's feelings, or were perceived as fleetingly rude? Of course, the only way to be 100% sure is when it is usually too late.

I got a similar, very strong feeling of threat from someone who lived in my building once. I just didn't like him and felt on edge around him. I tried to talk myself out of it - hey, he was just a friendly guy! I was being mean to him! Why not just be pleasant and chatty? - but then I realised that actually, I didn't owe him anything, I didn't have to talk to him if I didn't want to, and why on earth was I forcing myself to spend more time with a person who made my instincts scream at me to get away? He was not happy about it - loud staged conversations outside my door about what he'd done to upset me, exaggerated greetings when he saw me in the communal areas - but that merely confirmed what I thought, ie: he was pushy and felt entitled to my attention and time.

Totally agree with NCasI, trust your gut instinct. I’ve had this a lot myself (as I’m sure most women on here have) and just think it’s unacceptable to make people feel uncomfortable. I once had a man stroke my leg on a packed train and didn’t say anything because I felt so awkward, afterwards my friend said she hadn’t even noticed and I really wish I’d loudly called him out. I know it’s different and scarier when it’s children and you want to protect them by getting them out of there, but I feel if we all started calling these people out ‘sorry but you seem to be staring at us is something the matter?’ and then reporting if they continue behaving inappropriately, we might gain back some power. Just a thought!

I'd find it creepy too. Not much else to be done now, but it seems like your instincts were spot on.

I would still report him as he is likely to keep doing it, this way they can look out for him and inform the police if he does keep doing it, he may well be a known paedophile who isn't allowed to go near schools etc

Thanks for your replies. I feel a bit less embarrassed to admit now that I've been kept awake at night worrying that he could have sneaked a photo of her.
So next time I go to Tesco, do I report it? Or is it a bit late now? Or do I just start shopping elsewhere?!

I think people should ask themselves why they need to concoct elaborate backstories - it’s a bizarre reaction tbh.

The OP described a scenario and asked if she was unreasonable to be creeped out. Based on being followed into the car park I think she isn’t, fair enough if anyone else thinks she is but it’s weird to start banging on about grandchildren, dead children, adopted children etc in an attempt to explain away his actions.

If the attempt to demonstrate it’s nothing involves massive leaps of imagination then all you’re doing is proving it’s as likely that the scarier scenarios are just as likely. It’s enough to think he was just going about his business.

@Gingerninja01 I’d email them; that way you can keep it concise and to the point as well as being less likely to miss anything (descriptions etc.). It’s always good to have a paper trail too.

I would carry on shopping there, you’re alert to any particular danger now but if I carried on finding myself in situations that made me uncomfortable I’d go elsewhere.

There’s not really much you can do about a photo at this point though.

Your daughter was never in any danger OP because you were with her all the time.

There may have been an innocent explanation, or it could have been more sinister. No-one will ever know.

Round here a poor bloke recently got a talking to from the police because he was sitting on a bench looking at his phone and there were some teenage girls nearby. All was entirely innocent.

Try not to worry about it, and put it behind you.

After reading The Gift of Fear I am more convinced than ever we should get in touch with our gut feelings rather than just telling ourselves to ignore them. Something felt wrong to you, you kept your eye on the situation. I think that's absolutely the right thing to do.

I don't think you're neurotic and it's good that you're that aware. My lovely dad, who didn't harbour any evil intentions to any child, once said to my Mum "Look at that little girl, doesn't she look lovely in that frock!" and my Mum shushed him because she was afraid that the mother would think he was a paedophile. My husband actively looks away from children for fear that someone will think he's dodgy, and when he was fit enough to go out for longish walks told me that he only went one particular way when I was with him, because it involved going through a park that had a children's playground in it. It's sad, because he is one of those people who babies always smile at, when we are in cafes together, and he is a very much loved step grandad to my grandchildren.
Back to the creepy man, You might be right to be wary of him, but I remember a man I knew once, who had a learning disability. You wouldn't know until he spoke, and that is something he might very well have done, not with any evil intent, but he didn't understand social norms and cues. In fact if someone said to him sarcastically "Want a picture?" He'd have been likely to innocently reply "Yes please!"

Just to provide an update, I have called Tesco to report it, hopefully it will be nothing but if he either has form for this kind of thing or anyone else ever reports similar behaviour, I've given them some info to assist enquiries and they can check out the CCTV. Thanks again for your replies

Good lord