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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me she was having a baby

47 replies

shakeituntilyoumakeit · 21/12/2019 01:09

Totally prepared to be told AIBU but a very long standing friend had lots and lots of trouble ttc. I had two kids in the meantime but was there throughout all the heartache and waiting and loss for her. Huge long periods where I Would not hear from her and she’d get in touch in the end and i would have invited her things that were not seeing my kids to e.g a band we’d both like and she would say she could not go because of ivf.

She would sometimes tell me what was happening and I would say what can I do how do i do this I don’t want to get it wrong, how can I support you. She said carry on as you are but She eventually got pregnant and didn’t tell me, had a baby and let me know in a whatsapp group and I’m stuck now because I don’t think she wants me in her life anymore but now she’s had the baby im stuch

OP posts:

Foghead · 21/12/2019 01:13

Just congratulate her, tell her it’s wonderful news and it would be nice to catch up sometime. Then see how she responds.

Original poster

shakeituntilyoumakeit · 21/12/2019 01:15

I’ve said confirmations already but didn’t want to suggest meeting up as I think she will ignore me

OP posts:

Original poster

shakeituntilyoumakeit · 21/12/2019 01:15

Congratulations

OP posts:

Jenny70 · 21/12/2019 01:18

It is hurtful for you, definitely. It has harmed your friendship as well.

But it was her hurt that made her so protective of the pregnancy news/experience that she couldn't share it. She didn't want other people telling her it was all good now she was pregnant, how her infertility issues should be forgotten. Comparing her pregnancy to theirs etc. Her loss/infertility was still raw, and her emotions too fragile. Infertility is like PTSD, it is years of emotional and physical trauma, followed by people telling you it's over, whilst you still have it buzzing inside you.

I also grieved the fact that my children wouldn't grow up close to my friend's children - their children were all older and any that were close in age were the youngest sibling, which is a very different parenting experience.

I guess now you need to decide whether you want to put that hurt aside and pick up the friendship. Offer to visit her and baby, gush over it, don't offer any advise unless asked for and generally make her feel like the friendship has value. Or if you don't want to pick it up, end card and small gift, wish her the best and wait and see if she wants more.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 21/12/2019 01:19

I hardly told anyone of my pregnancy (lots of long distance friends) because i was so so scared that something might go wrong and i couldn’t deal with the weight of their expectations as well as my own.

It was self preservation, not aimed at any of my (actually very lovely and supportive) friends.

Just act pleased and say congratulations - it almost certainly wasn’t about you.

EmiliaAirheart · 21/12/2019 02:08

How are you stuck? It sounds like you’re unfortunately just not close friends anymore. Say congrats and focus your energies on people who deserve them and want to reciprocate.

Oceanbliss · 21/12/2019 03:02

What RubaiyatOfAnyone has said. I really think it's more about her trying to do whatever she needs to do to have a successful pregnancy, make it full term and give birth to a healthy baby. This is much more challenging when you have infertility and going through IVF. Being supportive is respecting when people want you there and when they don't want you there and try not to take it personally or get offended.

She now has a newborn and some people like having people around and involved more or less frequently than others during this time. That's fine. Some people are extroverts and some people are introverts. And some people can be extroverted some of the time and introverted at other times. Different personalities have different social needs. So, don't take it personally, just be a friend. Give her a nice gift, tell her you're happy for her. Relax and go with the flow, some friendships last a lifetime some drift in and out and some just last for a short time.

I remember some of my Nanna's old lifetime friends and there were sometimes long gaps between them seeing each other, weeks, months, years. There were also newer friends seen more regularly. That's life. Everyone has their own lives to lead; lives that include other people. Lasting friendships seem to have a lot of freedom in them, simply enjoying each others company when you do catch up.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2019 03:04

Infertility is so painful. Some women react by battoning down the hatches. Her ignoring you isn’t about you, it’s about her.

It sounds as if you want to reconnect. Is she ok with people dropping by? Has she said if she’s ok after the birth? If all ok, buy a little gift, knock on her door and hand it over. If not, post it or drop her a text and say you’ve bought a little something for the baby, you’d love to meet them and could you make a time to come over?

If she doesn’t respond, you have your answer and you’re actually no worse off than you are right now. You’ll just be able to draw a line under the friendship, grieve and move on.

NB Do try to find a time, when you can see her without your dcs. She’ll want this to be about her, not you.

PrettyPurse · 21/12/2019 04:54

A friend of mine has just had an IVF baby. She is an older mum.

She didn't tell many people she was pregnant and didn't put it on SM because she didn't want people "questioning" her about it all.

Due to the nature of the conception (donors were used) my friend had a lot of things to come to term with and to get her head round and she needed to do that before telling people.

It wasn't a personal thing with her.... and l didn't find out until she was over halfway ...and we had been friends for over 30yrs.... it was just what she could mentally cope with.

She was also so frightened of it going wrong that she didn't want to tell everyone in case it "jinxed" it in some way.

Dinosauraddict · 21/12/2019 05:08

I am now 28 weeks pregnant following infertility issues and a lot of people don't know I'm pregnant. There has been nothing on SM, and essentially friends that see me have found out as/when (by seeing the bump, or me not drinking etc) and many have been shocked that I hadn't told them or announced it. It's not about them, and whilst I'm not hiding it (and it's obvious once you see me) I'm not going out of my way to talk about it. The longer distance friends still have no idea. This doesn't mean I don't care about them, or value them, it means that I've had a tough pregnancy, which followed a tough journey, and even now I'm petrified of things going wrong...

Jollitwiglet · 21/12/2019 05:16

I fortunately haven't struggled with infertility, but in a recently pregnancy that immediately followed a miscarriage, only family and work colleagues were told. We didn't tell any of our friends. It was a very difficult time for us and when we spoke with our friends they all said they completely understood

OrangeSlices998 · 21/12/2019 05:18

A friend of mine had 12 years of infertility before her beautiful baby arrived, and she told very few people for fear of losing the baby and because she still carried the trauma of her experiences (miscarriages, failed IVF). With kindness OP, she doesn’t owe you knowledge of her pregnancy she may have had her own reasons to keep it private. Likewise. IVF and TTC may not have been easy or kind to her, and it’s not uncommon for women to withdraw and not want to be as social. When you desperately want a baby it feels like mums and pregnancy are everywhere and you don’t want to be pitied by your friends with kids.

Message her individually, offer to meet for a coffee and ask how she is. I hope she doesn’t ignore you, and it may hurt if she doesn’t have time or energy right now. But I hope she will.

Instatwat · 21/12/2019 05:18

I’m scheduled for a c section in 6 days with a baby that almost no one knows about. Our parents and my SILs know, but not grandparents/cousins/aunts and uncles etc. Some of my closest friends don’t know either (I live in another country to most of them).
I just needed to keep it to myself. We lost a baby at 21 weeks and my feelings around this baby are very complex. We’ll tell people if/when she arrives safely. This isn’t about you, its about your friend’s feelings. Reach our and see if she wants to catch up sometime.

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/12/2019 06:40

10 years infertility meant that when I had my son it was a massive shock to people. Coupled with th fact I didn’t show very much I only told people who were extremely close.

This is about her not you.

Congratulate her, offer to drop a present by it may open the door.

Beautiful3 · 21/12/2019 06:44

Maybe she was scared that something would happen during the pregnancy? Now its born she might feel relieved and ready to tell you all? I would congratulate her and ask when i can meet the baby.

ronniemipperton · 21/12/2019 06:52

Just to echo previous posters - I’m 33 weeks and haven’t told many people because years of failing to conceive and then two losses have made it feel very difficult. I’m also now super cautious about how other people who may be struggling with losses/infertility might react to the news as I know I found pregnancy announcements hard at times. I’m not saying that’s a reason she wouldn’t have told you, but it might have contributed to her feeling a need to keep quiet about it generally. Either way, I wouldn’t take it personally.

Cremebrule · 21/12/2019 06:52

People deal with pregnancy and infertility differently. If had a scare with my second and didn’t really tell people I was pregnant and didn’t really mention it. It took me a few weeks to put something on social media etc. I can imagine that someone who has dealt with infertility might have even more reason to do the same. She’s also adjusting to life with a newborn. Some people like to have space and others to show the baby off. Give her time.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 06:55

I think if she fell pregnant and had a baby without you knowing then it means you've not seen each other for the best part of a year, and as such the relationship is no longer close.

Sometimes friendships drift apart.

custardbear · 21/12/2019 06:57

I had trouble with miscarriages and TTC got there in the end but certainly with my first child some family members didn't even know til I was about to give birth, and some close friends, people I saw at work and home regularly obviously knew but I couldn't talk about it as I was so scared to acknowledge it or talk about it much incase again I had a miscarriage or something worse happened.
Be a friend to her, she's been traumatised and now needs support so offer when you can and let her accept what she wants from you
Good luck

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/12/2019 07:02

I agree this is about her protecting herself and not about you. Don't be hurt. I was similar with my pregnancy with my eldest after a rather complicated miscarriage a few months earlier. I didn't buy a thing for them until I was almost 30 weeks as I couldn't believe I would make it to term and didnt want to jinx it.

Thescrewinthetuna · 21/12/2019 07:06

Some women, even those without fertility problems, are quite secretive about their pregnancies - fear it’ll go wrong, previous losses, anxiety, other issues. So honestly I would congratulate her and leave it at that as it really probably isn’t about you but about her.

randomsabreuse · 21/12/2019 07:16

With my 2nd (so no issues with infertility) I literally only told people who needed to know or as it became obvious- I didn't want to jinx anything. Some close friends found out very late as a result - there were a few pics on FB where my size was probably a clue, but I don't put much on FB anyway- so for some the first they knew was after the birth. Other close friends did similar...

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 21/12/2019 07:22

You are making this about you when it's really not. She has suffered heartache and disappointment in a way that you never will. I work in an area with couples (it doesn't just affect women) who are having pmtrouble conceiving. Do not underestimate how tough it is.

My guess is she didn't announce it to many people because she was so afraid. Afraid first that the pregnancy wouldn't continue. Then the further on it got afraid something would happen. Then afraid the baby mightn't survive. She has had years and years of "bad luck". Through those years she has watched from the sidelines as wimedn around her had babies with no issues.

Conceiving, pregnancy and childbirth for her are light-years away from your experience. This really really isn't about you. Please don't make it be. There is also a chance that inadvertently you put pressure on her at her toughest times. If you are making this about you, maybe you made her other struggles about you too and she just hadn't the head space to cope with you.

I'm nog suggesting you did this deliberately. But really, whatever is going on with her isn't about you. Let things slide for a little while. Sometimes friendships drift apart. Sometimes friends lose touch and reconnect down the line.

Elbeagle · 21/12/2019 07:24

I have a friend who suffered infertility and a late term miscarriage and when she had her baby girl she didn’t tell anyone bar close family that she was pregnant. I knew as I saw her a few times, but she didn’t mention is so neither did I (and didn’t tell anyone else either). I figured she has her own reasons for not discussing it and it wasn’t my place to bring it up.
She’s had the baby now and we’re still friends!

Sceptre86 · 21/12/2019 07:29

I have just experienced this too and was surprised at how hurt I felt. Said friend and I have known each other for 10 years. She was married around the same time as me, five years ago and I have two children. Both times I told her after the 20 week scan. I had never asked her about whether she was trying as I know many of her sisters had struggled getting pregnant and needed help to get there. She mentioned fertility problems once and I offered to listen if that was what she needed. She posted a pic of her babies feet on snapchat. I and another friend messaged congratulations and she mentioned meeting up soon.

We never fully know anyone circumstances so I would pit your hurt to one side and just offer up a congratulations. I wouldn't send anything across for baby and would wait to see if she reaches out to you again. If and when she does arrange a meet up and drop something off for the baby. Remember that it can be overwhelming in the first few weeks and she probably just wants to cherish her newborn.

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