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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me she was having a baby

47 replies

shakeituntilyoumakeit · 21/12/2019 01:09

Totally prepared to be told AIBU but a very long standing friend had lots and lots of trouble ttc. I had two kids in the meantime but was there throughout all the heartache and waiting and loss for her. Huge long periods where I Would not hear from her and she’d get in touch in the end and i would have invited her things that were not seeing my kids to e.g a band we’d both like and she would say she could not go because of ivf.

She would sometimes tell me what was happening and I would say what can I do how do i do this I don’t want to get it wrong, how can I support you. She said carry on as you are but She eventually got pregnant and didn’t tell me, had a baby and let me know in a whatsapp group and I’m stuck now because I don’t think she wants me in her life anymore but now she’s had the baby im stuch

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 21/12/2019 07:32

I didn't tell my oldest friend I was pregnant and announced my baby's birth by text as this is our mostly used form of communication. The reason was I had announced a previous pregnancy that ended in loss and didn't want to do that again. Nothing at all to do with my friend it was about what I felt comfortable with and no disrespect to her.

Maybe this is about what is best for her and nothing against you. Don't be so self absorbed.

Littlecaf · 21/12/2019 07:33

I had a friend who had fertility problems and only told us (a group of old uni friends) until the baby was born. I was very happy for her and although felt odd that she hadn’t told me/us before it wasn’t about me and I recognise it’s totally up to her who she tells and when.

I do remember feeling odd telling people I was pregnant during both pregnancies especially were you’re not really showing at 3-4 months ish. But you eventually have to tell people, even if that’s when the baby arrives.

Michellebops · 21/12/2019 07:44

I would say congratulations and then step away from the chat or don't bother with her again.

I had a "friend" who was rude regarding my miscarriage and then chose Mother's Day this year to reveal she was. 25 weeks pregnant. I didn't say congratulations nor spoke to her for 6 months as I felt it was out of order.

I have since spoken to her but not in same terms of friendship as before.

Skyejuly · 21/12/2019 08:08

I didnt tell a soul when I was pregnant with my 4th. Only me and hubby knew. We told kids just before but that was it. No one noticed!

Havaina · 21/12/2019 08:16

YANBU. It sounds like she used you, because she leaned on you heavily for support but then couldn't be bothered to send you an individual text to say she had the baby.

I suspect she doesn't want you in your life because you remind her of those days hurt and loss.

Infertility doesn't mean she hasn't been very mean to you as you don't deserve that. I would congratulate her and leave the friendship there, if she wants to be friends again let her come to you, don't run after her.

BalloonSlayer · 21/12/2019 09:01

To give an old fashioned perspective, I am quite old and in my (upper working class/lower middle class) culture as a child, no one ever used the word "pregnant," it was rather vulgar. The word was "expecting." "So-and-so is expecting a baby in December" would be the announcement.

I think your friend didn't tell you because despite being pregnant, because of all her heartache and disappointment in the past, she didn't feel able to be "expect" a baby. She was probably just waiting for it all to go wrong again.

I had three mc before my first baby, and all through that pregnancy I just anticipated another mc. I thought "I won't believe I am having a baby until I am holding it."

Another theory might be that your friend may have announced a pregnancy that later ended in heartbreak, and experienced people asking about it afterwards, and decided not to say anything because of that. Or maybe she thought a pregnancy loss was "her fault" for telling people too soon, all kinds of things run through your head when you are going through this sort of thing.

Bless you though, you sound like a lovely friend.

Emmapeeler1 · 21/12/2019 09:09

I didn’t advertise my pregnancy either. It was because of previous loss and fear and self-preservation. I didn’t even want to tell everyone when I did, and could quite easily have got through the whole pregnancy only mentioning it to people I bumped into. It sounds like your friend has been through a lot.

Iwasneveragoddess · 21/12/2019 09:12

I had friends who had to use a surrogate to have children.

I tried to be their surrogate three times and the third time became pregnant but lost the baby at 15 weeks.

They didn’t tell me they were expecting a baby until she was born. At the time I was so hurt, but I understand now.

Havaina · 21/12/2019 10:03

Everyone is focusing on the friend not telling OP about her pregnancy, which is fine and understandable. But to not send a text to a friend who has supported you heavily , even if it's a couple of months after the birth, is shitty.

73Sunglasslover · 21/12/2019 10:39

I'd consider the friendship over if this happened to me but I'd just let it drift after sending lots of congratulations on the group. No point in making a fuss but I don't think she's a real friend.

Original poster

shakeituntilyoumakeit · 21/12/2019 13:45

Oh wow! Honestly thank you all so so much. This has made me feel so so much better as I feel like I understand so much more.

OP posts:

Melsbell · 21/12/2019 16:16

I actually think it's a valid feeling of the op to be a bit hurt. She certainly isn't being "self obsessed". I would actually say that the suggestion a lot of people have made about how the "friend" might be feeling is self obsessed.
Surely any friendship, regardless of what difficulties or hardships each party might face in life at different times, is about give and take and being there for each other and reciprocating that support and friendship. Not it always being about one person all the time.
Friendships do drift apart sometimes and this may just be the reason your friend didn't share her news with you op but I totally get why after being a supportive friend for years you'd be upset that she then wouldn't think you important enough to share an important life event with.
I can understand that after losses and horrible pregnancy experiences your friend would have maybe not felt like she was able to share the pregnancy news happily with everyone for fear of something going wrong at any point but once the baby was born it would have been nice of her to share her news with you.
Infertility must be awful to deal with but so are a lot of other things in life. I often feel like infertility is sometimes used as an excuse to treat friends and family really badly. Or it seems to be the suggestion on here sometimes.
I have a family member who has suffered infertility and whilst I appreciate it is something I've not suffered, am very VERY grateful for that and have tried to be supportive towards her and excuse her treatment of me, the way she's often behaved has been absolutely awful and at some point you can't accept it anymore. Even now this family member has had children I am still punished in certain ways regarding what I assume she views as the unfairness of how I've not suffered what she has.
I totally get why you feel a bit snubbed op.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/12/2019 16:20

I imagine every stage of the pregnancy was fraught with fear for her, right up to the birth.

She hasn’t rejected you - just approached the most important thing to her in a way that made her feel safest.

SunshineCake · 21/12/2019 22:01

I think Bluntness is very wrong.

Original poster

shakeituntilyoumakeit · 22/12/2019 08:51

Why do you say that?

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 22/12/2019 20:59

You don't have to see someone all the time to feel close and just because she didn't announce the pregnancy it doesn't. Mean the friendship is over. Given all the posts I'm sure it is obvious why I think she is wrong

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2019 21:47

Well I don't think anyone Said you need to see someone all the time, and no it's not obvious, or the op wouldn't be asking, can you explain further?

Original poster

shakeituntilyoumakeit · 22/12/2019 23:12

I’m so grateful for both of your opinions like I’m grateful for everyone’s on here. I thought everyone was going to say I was being self obsessed and selfish and the fact that people can see why I’m hurt but also reassuring me that it’s not my fault has made me feel better.

I think the friendship is over and what someone said above of me reminding her of the horrible times could be true.

I feel like I have invested so much of my life in supporting when everything was going wrong that it feels like a huge slap in the face to be left out now but having never struggled to conceive I acknowledge I have absolutely no idea how difficult it’s been and whilst I can try and understand I never will.

I think I just need to leave the ball over there on the other side of the court and accept it’s probably only going to come over very sporadically

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 23/12/2019 19:21

I think if she fell pregnant and had a baby without you knowing then it means you've not seen each other for the best part of a year, and as such the relationship is no longer close.

Not seen equals not close according to you.

The friend I talked about I haven't seen for almost two years but if I texted her now it would be as if I saw her yesterday. We last texted at the end of November but may text several times over a couple of days.

missybusybee · 05/05/2021 12:00

Unfortunately if she hasn't told you but told many others there is an obvious reason. The reason is she didn't want you to know but others she was happy to tell. The friendship is most likely fractured and at this point you need to think if there is a reason to keep it continuing.

I had a friend who I would update and share information with and this person did the same to me, only disclosing the fact she is having a baby with certain people.

I was told by someone else who was planning baby shower but had an idea for months before. When i tried to brooch it in a way that I could make it less awkward for her if I were to attend her baby shower and I wanted to send her gifts for the baby and make an effort so she felt loved.
When it went pear shaped, she told me that someone must have told you, and that I was basically the worst person out there and I should feel so bad about myself. This is the same friend who had been messaging me and seemed so interest in what I was doing.

I am so hurt that I was made to be the villain for trying to reach out to someone who I regarded as a friend and to be honest. At this point I am more than happy to move on, let it go and invest my energy in people who are more willing to reciprocate.

Sometimes there is zero point in trying to understand motives or allow someone to play games like this. Its not worth your time.

Coop80 · 05/05/2021 12:07

Zombie thread!

Gullible2021 · 05/05/2021 12:31

@missybusybee Do you realise you’ve replied to a post from 2019 and now the OP will be getting notifications about something she’d probably rather forget?

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