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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed at DH

71 replies

Alte · 20/12/2019 22:28

For context, there is a strict rule in my house that candles are for birthday cakes only, DH and DC know this.

DD is almost 15. She asked for some scented candles for Christmas and her birthday in January. I said no as I don't agree with scented candles anyway, especially not in her bedroom. I came home today to see DH wrapping a box of Yankee candles! I asked him why he got it and he said "it's Christmas and she's a teenager, let her have them". I explained to him why I didn't agree with him, but he seems to think they can't be dangerous or they wouldn't sell them. AIBU to be annoyed at DH for buying them? And should I let DD keep them, or would it be better to give them to an adult that likes candles?

OP posts:
Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 21/12/2019 11:08

You can persuade your dh but you can't order him. Unless you reveal that your family all died in a fire caused by candles. She will buy candles when she leaves home, and will never have used them with any supervision. Has your dh bought the jar ones or the votives? Jars do tend to burn themselves out. The fashion was for church type candles when I was younger, they were far more likely to fall over.
Your dd is bound to spend some time in communal space (the bathroom isn't a a bad idea) and could burn them then.

NotStayingIn · 21/12/2019 11:17

Got to say, I read your first sentence and was already convinced you have some issues. Wonder what your other strict rules are? Do you suffer with anxiety? Maybe worth trying to see whether maybe you are a little overbearing. And I’m not trying to be mean, but you are in a situation where your DH is giving your 15 year old DD a candle behind your back. Not normal really is it.

nowayhose · 21/12/2019 11:24

YABVU, at 15 yrs old, she should be mature enough to manage a candle ! ffs.
I understand the fear of fires, but why can't you put a fire alarm in her bedroom ? ( We have 6 spaced all over the house for safety, as well as a fire extinguisher, fire blanket and fire ladder)

Fires are only a risk if you fail to prepare for one !

We use candles frequently and have never had any kind of fire anywhere in the house, because we educated the DC about fire risk and told them what to do in an emergency and where the safety equipment is. Can't you educate your daughter instead of banning candles ?

If you continue to ban things instead of teaching you DC then she will be at REAL risk when she has a place of her own :(

Jajabinksfeetstink · 21/12/2019 11:33

@Barnseyboyo check your facts FFS

sandragreen · 21/12/2019 11:35

For context, there is a strict rule in my house that candles are for birthday cakes only

Fucking hell! Is there a long list of rules and regulations?

MrsEnglishh · 21/12/2019 11:37

Wow, looks like many people don't trust their teenagers to do anything.

My DC have had candles in their bedrooms since 11, but they are responsible children with very decent fire awareness from Scouting. Unless you teach them, they won't know.

slipperywhensparticus · 21/12/2019 11:38

It's a yankee candle not crack just have a safe lighting policy we only have lit candles on top of the hob because its fireproof already

Jumpi · 21/12/2019 11:44

Did you know it’s a crime to be controlling?

Alb1 · 21/12/2019 11:46

If you just didn’t want candles in the bedroom then I’d say YANBU but the overall rule makes you sound unreasonable. Do wax melts use a candle, if not maybe get her that instead? No point having pointlessly strict rules, she’l just break them, but you could compromise. As it’s also your DH’s house and child it would be very unreasonable to just overrule him and say no to all of it, you are not his mum.

APomInOz · 21/12/2019 12:13

Candles?? Really? You have a rule! Get over it! So someone you know had an accident with a candle? So you don't have sex because someone accidentally got pregnant?? 😂😂

ainsisoisje · 21/12/2019 15:17

@teentree actually I do. But at some point you have to show your kids some trust?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/12/2019 15:27

I understand they can be a fire risk. However I know 4 people whi have had house fires caused by washing machines and 1 who had a fire caused by a coffee machine neither of which people think twice about. I think as long as she is sensible it will be ok. Set some ground rules, candles must be out at keast half an hour before she normally falls asleep and make sure you check.

And have a conversation with DH where you explain he cant undermine you by going against your wishes but you will both listen to each other if you have different opinions.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 21/12/2019 16:02

Oh my goodness all these people on about being controlling and getting all self righteous about op having rules!

It’s not against the law to be controlling ffs.. it’s against the law to be controlling to the extent of abusive so let’s not overreact there @jumpi and last I checked (from years of studying child psychology and welfare) children thrive on rules and structure.. this place baffles me sometimes!

Gatehouse77 · 21/12/2019 16:06

Our outlook is more about teaching responsibility and consequences rather than outright banning. Use the experience you’ve had to educate your daughter about safety, lay down some rules if necessary but to outright ban it means she’s no better prepared for when she chooses to light candles where you’re not in charge.

JaJoJe · 21/12/2019 22:00

She wants to sniff a scenred candle not shoot crack... I think its odd to be this upset about it. There so many worse things she could be into that to be upset about something so mundane.

If your really worried just dont give her a lighter or matches to play with - no unlit smelly candle ever burned a house down.

Spaceprincess · 22/12/2019 08:03

I have twin DDs who are 24. When they were similar age they wanted candles, they shared a big bedroom which was a converted cellar so sort of separate from the house.
I said no candies. They bought them anyway and we had a period of me finding candles and there being rows, and sanctions, then I'd find candles/candle evidence and it would go round again....
Then it stopped. Few years later DD twin 2 confessed to me it was because she'd accidentally set fire to her curtains, put it out herself nearly shitting herself in the process....
So just no

puds11 · 22/12/2019 08:08

Obviously the rule isn’t strict enough if within the year it’s been broken.

I love candles but am definitely paranoid about them! I wouldn’t let my DD have them in her room because she would definitely forget to blow it out.

Umberta · 22/12/2019 11:15

I agree with other PPs about your first sentence. Read it again and then read this alternative: "I think candles are dangerous in the home and I'd prefer it if we never had them, but my husband doesn't agree." Dont impose unilateral "strict rules" on your husband, it's not a good way of approaching an equal partnership. Tyrants create liars and sneakiness, and I mean both your daughter and Dh. I'm a teacher and I've seen it so many times... any dishonest students I've had have really strict parents because they've learnt just to tell them one thing and do another rather than have a frank discussion. Change now before it's too late.

TeamLannister · 22/12/2019 11:21

You're way too controlling. And hysterical. It's a fucking candle! I know they can be dangerous...but so is leaving the house ffs.

Excited101 · 22/12/2019 11:25

There’s not a chance I’d allow a teen to have a candle in their bedroom, I left mine lit overnight a couple of years ago- I’m early 30s, it was terrifying!

NorthernLightsInWinter · 22/12/2019 11:34

YABU to ban candles for a 15 year old in the house. Yes, ban them from bedrooms, that's sensible. But to not let her light one in a safe place in the house? YABU.

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