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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed at DH

71 replies

Alte · 20/12/2019 22:28

For context, there is a strict rule in my house that candles are for birthday cakes only, DH and DC know this.

DD is almost 15. She asked for some scented candles for Christmas and her birthday in January. I said no as I don't agree with scented candles anyway, especially not in her bedroom. I came home today to see DH wrapping a box of Yankee candles! I asked him why he got it and he said "it's Christmas and she's a teenager, let her have them". I explained to him why I didn't agree with him, but he seems to think they can't be dangerous or they wouldn't sell them. AIBU to be annoyed at DH for buying them? And should I let DD keep them, or would it be better to give them to an adult that likes candles?

OP posts:
PiggyInTheMiddle19 · 21/12/2019 00:00

I have a 15 Yr old. Sibling as she's had candles in bedroom for a couple of years.
Always the jar ones.
And they have to stay In centre of unit away from anything..
It's fine. If she's trustworthy.

teentree · 21/12/2019 00:18

Yes you CAN ban them completely in your own house.

My house is candle free.

teentree · 21/12/2019 00:18

YABU. House fires can happen in many ways - not just candles

Are people really this stupid?

Candles are ok because other things can cause fires too Confused

StylishMummy · 21/12/2019 00:20

Compromise by allowing them in communal areas or while she's in the bath, so they're blown out when she's finished

ainsisoisje · 21/12/2019 00:41

Hang on, teenagers use Bunsen burners at school but can’t be trusted to light a candle in a jar? Almost 15 I think you are trying to stifle her a bit.

teentree · 21/12/2019 00:43

Hang on, teenagers use Bunsen burners at school but can’t be trusted to light a candle in a jar?

Hang on, you don't realise the massive difference between supervised laboratory conditions and a teenagers bedroom?

Heartburn888 · 21/12/2019 00:45

Let her have them, Yankee candles really are the best.

What is your reason for banning them? Is it just since your friends house fire or does it go back further than this

Costacoffeeplease · 21/12/2019 00:46

I wouldn’t have a Yankee candle in the house. Grim

DontCallMeShitley · 21/12/2019 00:47

If she is going to be allowed candles, at least make them decent ones. Yankee are the pits.

KamikazeIdiot · 21/12/2019 00:50

For context, there is a strict rule in my house that candles are for birthday cakes only

What about in your husband's and daughter's house?

Heyduggeefordays · 21/12/2019 00:52

Could you compromise on an electric one? Then maybe take her shopping and let her choose some Yankee candle wax melts to accompany it?

WyfOfBathe · 21/12/2019 01:09

For context, there is a strict rule in my house that candles are for birthday cakes only, DH and DC know this.

What makes it your house and not your husband's house?

I wouldn't let a 14 year old have candles in her bedroom, but an outright ban when your DH doesn't agree is ridiculous. You can set rules together (eg only in communal areas, only when a parent is home) rather than dictating what your DH can give his DD

Equanimitas · 21/12/2019 01:12

Let her have it but say she must burn the candle in the sitting room so you can keep an eye on it.

katy1213 · 21/12/2019 01:20

Absolute not in the bedroom; I wouldn't risk candles in my own bedroom. And not downstairs because Yankee candles smell cheap and nasty.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/12/2019 07:30

Id compromise and return them and get an electric wax melting burner. Safe and scents can be changed as often as she likes.

He’s not wrong to want a say in his daughters gifts and you aren’t wrong for not wanting flames in a bedroom.

Jajabinksfeetstink · 21/12/2019 07:35

I wouldn’t have them either. Not just for a flame point of view, but there seems to be a lot of talk about them giving off power fumes that can cause cancer. I know plenty of other things can cause it too but I don’t see why you would knowingly increase your risk.

Barnseyboyo · 21/12/2019 07:59

They don’t cause cancer ffs

KellyHall · 21/12/2019 08:05

My mum had the same rule. It's to stop your home from burning to the ground - what is a reasonable argument against a rule like that?!

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 21/12/2019 09:39

I really see where you are coming from here OP, having recently witnessed a tragedy involving candles (don’t want to say too much).

I wondered what people thing of this - I have quite a lot of candles in my House but they are for decoration- I never light them and the matches are kept well out of reach.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 21/12/2019 09:40

My answer you your Op was going to be, no burning them in the bedroom though. I think she can still have the present.

whydobirds · 21/12/2019 09:47

When I was about your daughter's age I wanted candles in my bedroom. My mum objected for the same reasons you've given. We compromised on a candle holder with a shade - it's a candlestick with a handle à la Wee Willie Winkie but it has a glass shade like an oil lamp shade over the candle. Makes accidental ignition of anything much less likely. I was also only allowed to have it on a heat proof (cork) mat on a clear surface. Maybe a compromise like that might work?

Ponoka7 · 21/12/2019 09:57

She's becoming a young woman. You would have been better putting conditions in place, such as the area they were going to be used, kept clear of other things and not by curtains etc.

A large jar one would have been safer and would have given her autonomy, which you don't seem to respect.

I'm in my 50's, there were a lot of fires in the 70's. A combo using open flames/chip pans and children left unsupervised. Then the education started about having a tea towel to wet on hand etc and not cooking when drunk. The amount of dangerous fires went down.

Most accidents around bonfires, water etc are because children aren't taught how to do things safely.

Your DH and DD should be able to regard 'your house' as their home and not live according to your anxiety.

Ponoka7 · 21/12/2019 10:00

@KellyHall, because that's only one possible scenario. Which rarely happens.

Christmas tree lights cause more fires every year. She's getting to an age where she should be able to evaluate risk and respond accordingly.

Carmenfortuna · 21/12/2019 10:14

No candles in bedrooms oh my god.
Just not worth the risk.
Also a house rule is a house rule.
Id relax slightly and keep the candles as a family present , to be burned in the front room as a treat when your all together and buy her a wax melt electric burner for her bedroom, they can be quite addictive and there are facebook groups etc.

Your DH though has taken the piss, no discussion just bought them and was going to wrap and give to her Shock .
Charming lack of respect there.
Hes exactly the type that would bring home a suprise puppy Grin
I'd be having words .

Vulpine · 21/12/2019 10:57

We have no 'strict rules' in our house. I'd stop being so controlling for starters.