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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To enjoy being a single parent at this time of year?!

76 replies

lovemenorca · 20/12/2019 16:33

All the threads angry at partners not pulling their weight
The in law issues
The arguments about what should / should not be done on Xmas day
Which family to go to

Sounds bloody awful.
Thankfully I’m on very good terms with my ex, so I recognise that makes a huge difference (his present from the children and I is brunch at his favourite restaurant on the 28th, and I’m genuinely looking forward to having a chat with him!). We divorced simply because incompatible, no third party and still isn’t on either side 3.5 years late.

But as a single parent (and my parents died in my twenties) I get time to myself (my ex has the children 21 afternoon to 24th morning) to shop, gym, yoga, coffee with friends and then I’m with the children 24th-28th. My beloved brother who the children adore will be with us on Christmas Day. Eat, walk, games, film.
Boxing Day walk and play with Christmas gifts
27th Snow Queen at the theatre
28th brunch
29th-31st - I’m seeing friends, I’m pottering about, spring cleaning before new year (I’m odd, but I LOVE cleaning sorting!), I’ll gym and yoga.

There’s zero stress or tension or arguments. I know that the ideal is parents together and I don’t dispute that - but it does seem that in so many cases,‘parents together means either arguments or stoney silence

Sometimes, sometimes, I genuinely relish being queen of my domain!

Any other single parents feeling the same?

As I say - it’s not perfect. But the common I mage of single parents wanting something different - not always the case.

OP posts:
aggitatedstate · 20/12/2019 20:54

I enjoy being a lone parent ALL YEAR. No dramas, no in laws, no sharing DS, no sharing finances.

Clearly I'm hideously selfish mind you. But I'm safe and happy that I will die alone, single and my DS will be ok in his future.

Mulledwineinajug · 20/12/2019 21:20

You are a single parent, OP, ignore. I have an acquaintance who goes in about how she does everything alone whilst my kids’ dad is still involved so she has it so much harder... but her kids are always at her mum’s and away with grandparents!

I’m with you OP but think I would find it hard if I didn’t see my kids at Christmas like some. I admit though that I don’t understand why they would alternate Christmases and not split the time.

PumpkinP · 20/12/2019 21:26

It’s not always a choice on alternating. My sister doesn’t have a choice as her son wants to spend it with his dad this year.

And as for the kids always spending time with the grandparents again not everyone has family. Some people have absent exes and no family.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 20/12/2019 21:52

I’m with you OP but think I would find it hard if I didn’t see my kids at Christmas like some. I admit though that I don’t understand why they would alternate Christmases and not split the time.

We don’t split the time because:

  1. I have two ex husbands, living in two different cities (opposite directions) a decent chunk of time away, so it’s not practical, or even possible in one case.
  2. I didn’t want to. Having to do a hand over (or two) in the middle of Christmas Day would make me super anxious and ruin Christmas for me. I love that every second Christmas I get my boys for all of it, I can go away if I want or visit family or whatever.

Not saying other people shouldn’t split differently, but it works for us.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/12/2019 07:02

@Mulledwineinajug we alternate Christmas because it's a just a massive hassle splitting the day. Nobody wants to be driving around on Christmas day, it's a day for relaxing.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 21/12/2019 08:18

I don't get why people are being so snippy on this thread. Of course the OP is a single parent, having a dad in the picture doesn't change that.
I'm a widow so my situation comes with other difficulties but we are all single parents doing our best for our kids.

Mulledwineinajug · 21/12/2019 10:22

That’s fair enough! Whatever works.

I suppose I just see friends devastated not to see their kids at Christmas and don’t understand why they don’t just split it. But totally, whatever works best.

MrsJacksonAvery · 21/12/2019 10:33

I agree. My daughter only sees her dad a couple of hours a month and he’s not involved at all otherwise. I was saying to a friend yesterday how I am so relieved that I never have to share my daughter over Christmas - we can do as we please (Wagamama-inspired Christmas lunch this year!). Only downside it that, as I work full-time, shopping alone is impossible. Thank god for Amazon Prime!

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 21/12/2019 11:05

Really happy you started this thread Op! I’m a single parent - I’m a parent who’s single and has 9 of 14 nights so I think I can use that term, even though I’m not a lone parent - as I was beginning to forget all the things that are so great about being single with kids! It’s amazing how quickly the shine of not being with EA ex can wear off and you (or I) can start thinking “if only I had a partner”.... It’s lovely to appreciate all the good things about it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/12/2019 12:05

I think split days are fine if that's what you want to do! But then I'm not devastated about not seeing DS on Christmas day every other year and I don't get people that are to be fair. It's only a day.

cushioncovers · 21/12/2019 12:10

Yep I'm loving it. My dc are older, working with cars of their own. I'm not hosting Xmas lunch. So I'm feeling fine. No arguments about who's doing what who's been drinking too much. Etc Exh never came home from pub over Xmas and when he did he was always pissed.

username1724 · 21/12/2019 15:15

I loved being a single parent (from birth to 6years with my eldest) for many reasons. She was at her dads 2 nights a week, I had complete control over everything, just the 2 of us meant we could decide between me and her what wed like to do. I wouldnt change my partner or my toddler for the world but sometimes I do think back wistfully to when there wasnt so much to consider, so many people to please, and so much compromising to do. Life was much easier back then!

AnFiadhRuaRua · 21/12/2019 15:19

Oh I know what you mean OP! My kids are teens and I had tough times, definitely but I cannot imagine having those petty battles about who does what and who goes to whose parents' house and who buys what for whom. I do sometimes wonder if I could be in a conventional marriage and bring a husband along to (wider) family events, but it'd be so weird now, not sure I could do that. But when it's just me and my kids and my immediate family that seems easier. We're all more relaxed.

Bogoffrain · 22/12/2019 09:32

Two more threads this morning about drunk, missing, possibly cheating partners. It just highlights how lucky I feel to have a peaceful single Christmas Xmas Smile

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/12/2019 10:11

@Bogoffrain

Bliss isn't it.

My ex has just picked up DS. I'm off out for lunch later with my friends. Later on I can do all the present wrapping in peace with a glass of wine. I can get everything organised in time for Christmas eve when ex will drop DS back off. My mum is hosting Christmas so I just need to take round some bottles and nibbles. I'm off work until the 2nd of Jan. I love this time of year.

Original poster
lovemenorca · 22/12/2019 10:17

@Waxonwaxoff0

You have an ex husband that occasionally has the children? Ah in the eyes of @Pfefferkuchen you’re not really a single parent!

Anyway, moving on. I love reading these celebrations of single parenting. It’s not without its downsides, let’s be honest, but there can be so much to be thankful for, especially at this time of year! I’ve been for a run, now bath and breakfast and then last min shopping, but even that’s not a stress as it’s me and the children and my very chilled brother to cater for!

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/12/2019 10:33

@lovemenorca yep, I noticed that! 3-4 nights a month on average doesn't really count as "co parenting" to me but hey ho according to some I should be slavishly grateful to my ex. Grin

Pfefferkuchen · 22/12/2019 12:10

lovemenorca
you are the one who started a thread boasting that your ex and you have a lovely relationship, and he has the children so you can enjoy your time off Hmm

it's not my fault if you drip feed that it's actually the only time of the year he has his kids and you are doing it all on your own after all and you don't have such a blissful life Grin Grin Grin

PumpkinP · 22/12/2019 12:44

I don’t think there is anything wrong with pointing out not all single parents get a break. Having an involved ex is very different from one that is absent. So it might be bliss for you but that’s not the same for everyone. I will have to take mine with me around all the shops last minute as no one to watch them and not old enough to be left alone.

And just because there are 2 more posts doesn’t mean that’s all couples! The ones having a nice Christmas just aren’t bragging about it. Like on this thread Hmm

AwakeAmbs · 22/12/2019 12:50

I envy you tbh

My in laws are toxic.

Xmas has become a hell for me

Glitteryone · 22/12/2019 12:56

I agree with you OP, although I don’t get any of the child free days you do (that sounds lush) as I’m not on good terms with my ex and he doesn’t make any attempt to see the children.

However, I really do cherish the time we have together at Christmas and all the memories we’ve made over the years, just the three of us.

Original poster
lovemenorca · 22/12/2019 14:06

As I said, odd!

OP posts:
MiniEggAddiction · 22/12/2019 15:01

Bloody hell. I'm a fully grown adult and I want to spend time with my dad alone without his new wife. Having someone else there changes the dynamic. At 14 and dealing with this of course you should be much more careful to ensure that what little time you have with your kids is special and if including your wife will ruin that don't include her.

Homemadearmy · 22/12/2019 15:20

I hate it, no ex around to pick up any slack or contribute to any presents. No down time. No money to go out for drinks with friends. It's all down to me, buying cooking etc.
But mostly what I hate is the fear of failure, the worry that Christmas won't be good enough and I'll spoil it for my children. That they will look back and think it's been a rubbish childhood. I feel guilty, that my children aren't enough for me and wishing I had someone to share it with. They are my world and I'm lucky to have them. They are fantastic children, non grabby, I wish they had another parent as they deserve more. Not presents but someone there to pick up my slack and live them

cuppycakey · 22/12/2019 16:00

I enjoy being a lone parent ALL YEAR. No dramas, no in laws, no sharing DS, no sharing finances. Clearly I'm hideously selfish mind you. But I'm safe and happy that I will die alone, single and my DS will be ok in his future.

That's what I came on to say Xmas Grin