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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you think of this...?

40 replies

Bitofnamechanging · 20/12/2019 16:05

I've just read a thread and was slightly surprised by the answers. Thought I would pose my situation.

I'll keep my emotions out of it for now but would be interested to gain some perspective.

I am home with the boys during the day (they are nearly 2 and nearly 3). I do the dishwasher, washing, tidying and general kiddy related bits. I do the food shop. Make breakfast, lunch and snacks. I take the eldest to preschool three mornings a week (term time only). I also look after the boys solo two weekends a month. I try to clean but it doesn't massively happen. I also do 99% of hospital appointments for my eldest - although dh often looks after the youngest while we are at the hospital.

At about 3.30, dh takes over. He finishes any tidying up, cooks dinner, sometimes stacks the dishwasher. He baths the boys and puts them to bed around 6.30. From 3.30 I am at work until about 8.30 x4 evenings a week. (This pays quite well). I pay all bills apart from dh's phone and car. He contributes money on an ad hoc basis as he is self employed and works as and when. Aside from that he studies mon to fri. He's dyslexic so it takes him time. He also has to travel one day a week to his uni so misses bedtime and then is in uni two weekends a month.

He does 100% of night wakings. We are also in 12k of debt. Our mortgage is relatively affordable though. Dh paid off a huge chunk of debt in the summer so his lack of contribution financially is only really because his money goes on other family things. Financially we wont be better off if he quits uni as he is a low earner with no way to increase his earning potential. His studying is the only way out of the pit that we're in.

So your perspective? We're both exhausted. I'm resentful. He feels I don't appreciate what he does do. I feel he doesn't realise just how much I have on my plate. Neither of us ever stop.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 20/12/2019 16:11

Assuming that your husband doesn’t spend loads of money on himself it sounds fairly balanced to me , you are going to be busy and tired if you make a decision to have 2 children so close in age when you have limited finances , it will obviously get easier as the children get older .

AntennaReborn · 20/12/2019 16:12

It seems that you have a pretty equal partnership there!

In times of stress and when tired it is really easy to be at each other's throat and enter into competitive tiredness, so it's no wonder you both feel unappreciated.

Is there any way you could have a bit of quality time together? Even if it's just a 30 min catch up and a cuppa when the kids are in bed?

Merryoldgoat · 20/12/2019 16:16

Sounds fairly equal to me too.

What do you both do for work?

Freddiefox · 20/12/2019 16:17

You both sounds very busy, and it seems quite an equal share of labour, my only comment would be is the uni course worth be stress and lack of income, will it lead to a better financial situation at the end of it

Myusername101 · 20/12/2019 16:20

I agree sounds fairly equal. But when people are tired and stressed it's very easy to start point scoring. I would take an evening to sit down and talk properly and appreciate what each other does do rather than what they don't.

Hugsgalore · 20/12/2019 16:20

I agree with above two posters... HOWEVER... I also think it depends on how much the kids wake up at night.

I stayed home with my dd but she was the worst sleeper. I never got more than 90 mins sleep in one stint. I spent approximately 6/7 hours just trying to get my dd to sleep. I was incredibly resentful of my husband. I felt that because he worked then it was my responsibility alone to get up at night.
Anyway I think it is tough when you are both working opposite each other but instead of bickering you should both be supporting each other. The weekends he is home please make sure to take time for yourself.

NobJobWinker · 20/12/2019 16:21

It's sounds like you both have busy lives and are working very hard with an end game in sight (your DH significantly increasing his earning potential)

It doesn't sound hugely unbalanced to me

Walnutwhipster · 20/12/2019 16:24

I think the only part that seems unfair is the night wakings.

Original poster
Bitofnamechanging · 20/12/2019 16:26

He'll go from about 12k income a year to a minimum of 40k. Possibly nearer 70k.

He is a decorator. I tutor. I don't earn tonnes but my hourly rate is good and I'm very in demand. It's the only thing that allows us to have the lifestyle we do.

It's interesting and reassuring that everyone thinks it's even. I feel like a spend my life being a domestic appliance and nanny and that makes me resentful. I feel he doesn't do as much around the house as he could.

The two weekends off a month we do have we are often exhausted and divide and conquer just so we can get a rest.

I feel I would find life easier if he were more able to be intimate. Even just if we could have a laugh and a joke or a cuddle. He says by the evening he's wiped and just wants to watch telly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitofnamechanging · 20/12/2019 16:27

With my youngest I did hourly wakeups for 14 months with zero support "because I was breastfeeding". I lost my shit at him one day and refuse to do any more Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitofnamechanging · 20/12/2019 16:28

They sleep through probably 10/14 nights. Waking about once. Teething is sometimes different but then I get up when the little one wakes at 5 due to teething

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 20/12/2019 16:32

I think it sounds pretty equal, which is rare nowdays!

I think him doing all night wakings is a bit unfair though as I assume he has work in the morning?

What are you resentful for? It sounds like he does quite a bit around the house during the hours he is in. What exactly do you wish he would do more of?

Merryoldgoat · 20/12/2019 16:33

Sorry, a slight aside, but what on Earth can you study to take you from 12k to 40k plus I’m a year?

I think the reality of young children is oppressive and hard. I think it’s a time to ‘get through’.

I do think you always need to talk though, if you find that you’re getting resentful.

If he’s out all day, back to do the drudgery of dinner, bathtime and bedtime alone plus all the wake ups I’m not surprised he’s tired actually.

bridgetreilly · 20/12/2019 16:40

Honestly, it sounds as though you are both doing as much as you can, rather than one person slacking and letting the other bear the brunt. Try to appreciate and value each other, and let your resentment/exhaustion be directed at the stage of life you're in, rather than each assuming the other could/should be doing more. Things will get better, OP.

Merryoldgoat · 20/12/2019 16:40

I’m a bit confused about the low wage too - he can’t work much to earn only £12k...

That’s £230 ish a week.

The decorator I use is reasonable and I paid him £950 for less than a week’s worth of work and he’s very busy.

Original poster
Bitofnamechanging · 20/12/2019 16:40

It's a 5.5 year course. He's not out all day. He's sat upstairs in his office studying and drinking coffee. He says he enjoys it. He only works maybe one or two days a week.

I think I wish he would put away his clean clothes that I wash and fold for him rather than dump them on the floor. I wish he would stop the boys spreading food over the whole house. I wish he would put toys away properly rather than half a puzzle. If I get up in the morning with the boys I empty the dishwasher, make them breakfast, brush their teeth and sort some washing. If he gets up he outs the telly on unit feeds them oatcakes. It makes it feel like he's only doing it half arsed.

I'm actually really pleased with everyone's opinions. It's making me think iabu

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitofnamechanging · 20/12/2019 16:41

He doesnt earn 12k. He would earn 12k if he were working properly. He has his student loan currently and then earns a few thousand a year to top up

OP posts:
Original poster
Bitofnamechanging · 20/12/2019 16:43

@Merryoldgoat your decorator would have also had insurance costs, materials, running his vehicle, etc. The profit for a decorator is a lot less than you think. He takes home about £120 a day but then has expenses on top (not materials)

OP posts:
Dontdisturbmenow · 20/12/2019 17:20

Neither of us ever stop
And that's the reality of the situation. I think you are being humble showing a fair account of both sides of the coin. From what you've stated, you are indeed both very busy, inevitably both very tired, and both doing it all for the better of your family.

I was a single mum of a 1 and 4yo working FT with no help at all. What you described was my life. Most of the time, I just got on with it, at times, I felt so sorry for myself through the sheer exhaustion. However, I also felt great pride of being able to support myself and give my kids the best they could have. I raised them to become adults who valued the notion of hard work, rewards, and learned to be grateful for everything.

It's ok to be both completely exhausted at time and as such to lean on the other to do more. What is not ok is to become so focus on one's own exhaustion that it give right to thinking the other can't be having it as bad.

Listen to each other, support each other, and try as much as you can to accept the situation and even laugh at it, both reminding each other that it will really pay off one day and be all worth it.

Mascarponeandwine · 20/12/2019 17:25

I need to know what uni course can take you to £40-70k in an instant. Sounds amazing.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/12/2019 17:42

So he only works one or two days a week and you work 20 hours a week? That really isn’t much in the scheme of things. Most people work full time alongside parenting and the usual household jobs.

Jeezoh · 20/12/2019 17:50

I think it sounds fairly equal but he shouldn’t be doing all the night wakings, they should be 50/50.

TwoOddSocks · 20/12/2019 18:08

It sounds like you're both pulling your weight. You're probably both tired and more prone to feeling unappreciated.

Original poster
Bitofnamechanging · 20/12/2019 19:12

I guess it's although his paid job is part time (he does work some full weeks and worked full time in the summer) he's also doing his degree/masters (I don't know how but it's a degree and masters combined). So he works part time and studies full time. I have the boys 12 days in a row on my own and also work part time. I cant work any more as we can't afford childcare with what we earn and I need to have the boys so that he is able to study.

I'm going to go and give him an extra big cuddle and tell him I appreciate him. Thank you all for opening my eyes.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 20/12/2019 19:59

@Bitofnamechanging

I’m an accountant - I know how being self employed works.

What I also know is that busy decorators warm more than £12k

If he takes home £120 a day then that’s £27k over a year if one takes 5 weeks holiday.

To be honest after your two updates I can understand the frustration.