What do you think of this...?

[Bitofnamechanging]

I've just read a thread and was slightly surprised by the answers. Thought I would pose my situation.

I'll keep my emotions out of it for now but would be interested to gain some perspective.

I am home with the boys during the day (they are nearly 2 and nearly 3). I do the dishwasher, washing, tidying and general kiddy related bits. I do the food shop. Make breakfast, lunch and snacks. I take the eldest to preschool three mornings a week (term time only). I also look after the boys solo two weekends a month. I try to clean but it doesn't massively happen. I also do 99% of hospital appointments for my eldest - although dh often looks after the youngest while we are at the hospital.

At about 3.30, dh takes over. He finishes any tidying up, cooks dinner, sometimes stacks the dishwasher. He baths the boys and puts them to bed around 6.30. From 3.30 I am at work until about 8.30 x4 evenings a week. (This pays quite well). I pay all bills apart from dh's phone and car. He contributes money on an ad hoc basis as he is self employed and works as and when. Aside from that he studies mon to fri. He's dyslexic so it takes him time. He also has to travel one day a week to his uni so misses bedtime and then is in uni two weekends a month.

He does 100% of night wakings. We are also in 12k of debt. Our mortgage is relatively affordable though. Dh paid off a huge chunk of debt in the summer so his lack of contribution financially is only really because his money goes on other family things. Financially we wont be better off if he quits uni as he is a low earner with no way to increase his earning potential. His studying is the only way out of the pit that we're in.

So your perspective? We're both exhausted. I'm resentful. He feels I don't appreciate what he does do. I feel he doesn't realise just how much I have on my plate. Neither of us ever stop.

OP, I think it's okay to ask him to change some of those specific things which would make a big difference to you, but also ask him whether there's anything you could do which might make a big difference to him. But I'm glad this thread has made you feel better about things!

He's not a particularly enthusiastic decorator. He's good but would have a fair amount of time off when he was decorating full time. He gets physically exhausted decorating and often nurses injuries and had a quiet five week Christmas, for example. These days it's very different. He doesn't work full time any more. Just the odd day

What’s he studying?

If he’s studying full time and is on a 5year plus full time course that’s only really Medicine (unlikely given he’s home at 3.30 every day) or architecture.

Is walking into a highly paid job straight from graduation really likely?

I suppose for me I’d feel like if my partner didn’t like their job and was physically limited by it they’d find something else - it’s a big leap to go from unenthusiastic decorator to high-powered whatever rather than a normal job...

Do you worry he’s avoiding gainful employment?

My DH and I both work, him FT, me 4 days. We share everything - bathtimes, breakfasts, lie-ins, cooking and cleaning. If I’m up overnight he takes the morning lead. He does drop off etc.

We’re both tired out but we outsource what we can and look after each other and I don’t feel like he’s coasting and vice versa.

Your subsequent posts make me think it’s not as equal and initially portrayed.

He won't be immediately highly paid. It'll build over a couple of years. It is a medical type degree. It's an odd course. It's technically part time but by his final year he's expected to do 300 practice hours per year and 25 hours self study plus his two weekends of lectures.

I tried to keep my emotions out of it but I feel that I'm getting the brunt of raising two preschoolers on my own, running the house and paying the lions share of the bills. All without childcare. I do 12 days in a row with the boys aside from when he has them for the evenings (but they go to bed at six/six thirty)

Tbb he's done really well to get on this course. He has nothing more than one gcse and a couple if nvq's. He's acing his course and fully deserves to be there. He stopped decorating for a while and walked into a nmw job instantly. It was soul destroying for him. He's a lot more mentally stimulated and fulfilled with this course.

I'm trying my best to be supportive but am struggling with that

Does he have the drive to achieve that level of salary if he can only manage the odd day of decorating and couldn’t cope with a NMW job?

It sounds pretty balanced and all going the right way.

Re washing. I put all of our washing (clean and folded) in separate baskets. They then either put away or use straight from the basket. But once it’s in there I’ve decided it’s not my problem.

Sounds to me like you have a touch of cabin fever. When to you go out and see other people? Actual people. Not tutoring. Socially?

You need time to yourself as well as time together as a couple.

You’ve got two young DC, which will get easier as they get older, you’re doing more as a couple household responsibility wise and more fairly than most.

I'm not sure that you do more as such, Op, but I think that you might have it harder in that you have the kids for most of the day & then work for 5hrs.

He has the kids for a couple of hours & then puts them to bed.

Is he working/studying every day until he has the kids?

Child rearing wise you are at a pretty intense stage right now, mine are 5 and 7 and it's got a lot easier now they can play unsupervised, big one reads to little one, they are at school etc.

On paper it sounds fairly even - I'd cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to take the easy option every now and again too - healthy convenience food like oatcakes and ready made hummus is fine, and so is unhealthy stuff occasionally like freezer tapas (dippers and waffles etc.)

I think you need to be kind to yourself, batten down the hatches and get through the next couple of years. But if it doesn't get better when your kids are older/DH finishes his degree then you need to have a serious conversation with him.

Is he doing a practitioner psychologist pathway or radiology or something, or more like accountancy exams. Are you both being realistic about the pay? It's a long slog for you both for that not to work. DH and I had a similar 'ships in the night/skint slogging our guts out' phase when the kids were little an I retrained Difference was I did loads more childcare so DH could work. I studied nights and weekends when DC was in bed. You say he needs lots of time to study, has he had dyslexic study skills support? The only thing that could change is him getting more efficient at studying, plus some paid childcare kicking in to enable you to work (if you tutor could you exam mark or do open university lecturing?)

I think I remember some of your earlier posts. Is he the one where the two weekends away per month are optional but he insists on doing them?

I agree that you do more as you look after the children all day then work in the evening. He studies all day (hard work mentally but easier than childcare), then has a few hours of childcare in the evening. And on his weekends away he might be studying, but then he will get time to himself and an uninterrupted nights sleep! Do you ever get time to do something for yourself? This is something I struggle with too.

And once he’s qualified is he going to be working junior doctor type hours?

I suppose all I’m trying to say is, family life is important.

My husband wants to be a chef. He’d adore it. However, he decided that he wanted a family more and the time he was considering would’ve involved delaying children and marriage and not buying a flat.

He decided that he’d leave it. He explores cooking in other ways.

I’d not support him retraining now. We have a 7yo with ASD and a 2 yo who will almost certainly also be on the spectrum.

There is zero way I’d cope.

I think a lot of this is about timing but also about how valued you and your family feel - are you just facilitating his dream?

Just found the earlier post.

It’s a physically demanding job, mainly on a self employed basis so he will need insurance, to be able to market his services, premises to run the business from or a car to do private visits and to do his books etc. Lot of evenings and weekends to suit clients schedules too. Are you really sure this is actually going to happen given you say he’s frequently ill and only can work a few hours?

Physiotherapist? Chiropractor?

He's ambitious but had really shitty parents who discouraged studying.

@EllieQ I think you are remembering me but the two weekends a month are his lecture weekends and aren't optional.

I see friends socially but with the children during the day. My "mum friend" support network are incredible and I've worked hard to build my friendships. It's harder now most are back to work though. My eldest, however, is a bit of a nightmare and struggles very much with playdates at the moment which makes seeing my friend tough.

@Merryoldgoat I think you've summed it up. I don't feel valued. He's very focused and I feel there's very little time for my own self care of just some intimacy as a couple.

We think he has coeliacs disease but it's been a long process getting this far. My eldest is "suspected coeliacs" so we're hoping to get both of their health issues sorted in one go very soon. For example, if we get a tummy bug I feel poorly for 36 hours. He is still violently I'll after four days. Same with colds, etc.

I'm going to take over some more night wakings. He's been brilliant this week and has let me stay in bed every morning until 7/7.30 because I lost my shit at him as I had a cold and was exhausted. He's in bed at the moment but will study when he wakes as he has exams in jan.

I just can't work out if my resentment is justified or if I'm being a martyr.

In feb the little one will be in preschool three mornings also not that we can really afford it
I will have two mornings with each child 1:1 and one morning to myself.